Hey CP, I created a new user profile as my kids had told me my spouse was reading my thread.
Question: In regards to the job, was this supposed to be in conjunction with staying together? Cause if he still doesn't know if the marriage is gonna make it, then what does it matter what job you have as far as he's concerned? How can you find out what he's thinking w/o breaking several of the 37 rules?
Is there a way, maybe the vets can chime in her with some help, a way to say my job status is the least of my concerns for the moment, I have several issues that need to be addressed before I worry about that step? I don't want to keep putting the cart before the horse. Not sure a good way to bring it up?
Try your best to get back in the hot dog line, cause it sounds like the roller coaster is taking off for another round.
I hope this post gets off mod before it becomes irrelevant.
I'm not sure what you mean by "was this job supposed to be in conjunction with staying together" and I don't want to misinterpret what you are asking. Do you mean that he is wanting me to go back to work so he can separate without worrying about finance?
BTW you are right, a job prospect IS the least of my concerns right now. In the grand scheme of things, I think family and relationships are more important than money.
My H is right though, things are changing at his company and his job is at stake, he could lose it at any moment. I do not want to be selfish at all and I want to do what's right for my family.
Just curious.. what job did you think sounded better?
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Why is it important for him to have a say, like you said is it so he feels like he's leaving you in better financial shape if he leaves, or cause if you stay together, he wants more of a commitment from you financially if you stay together? I know you don't want to mind read, and you certainly cant ask him either. He's obviously not thinking straight yet.
Guess the question was more pointed to the vets, on how you could ascertain some info on why, without breaking some of the rules or progress. After thinking about it, I guess it probably doesn't matter, as bad as he pushed the issue, if he doesn't get an answer soon. He'll either forget about it, or shove it right down your throat again.
I don't envy you, its hard to be neutral/detached/PMA'd when its in your face pushing for answers, that are A. unimportant right now B. Might not have anything to do with him C. Takes your own goals out of your life, as if you don't have a say. D. Comes off as a "Do as I say, not as I DO".
Best to back off a for the next few days, and if he pushes it again, try your best to say "I'm thinking about what I need to do for me, my goals, and my happiness" ???
I am feeling much better today.. strange how that goes. We have still not had our talk about finances yet, and I am hoping to have a few days to think about my decision. I'm sure I will probably end up going back to my old job because it makes the most financial sense.
Had my first IC counseling session. I meshed really well with her, and she gave me a lot of insight and things to think about. It really made me put everything into perspective. She has given me a few things to consider.
I told her that my main concern was that I was in this limbo, and it was having an emotional toll on me and my well-being, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could take it. She has helped me to create a personal boundary, a timeframe in which I could remain in this limbo, feeling how I do, before I have decided that I have had enough. So I have now set that boundary for myself. I also told her that if things start to get better, and I start seeing improvements, that I could hold off for longer.
She has also suggested (as others have), that I should talk to a lawyer for that free initial consultation, just for peace of mind, and to figure out what kind of options I have for housing and such. I do think I might feel some relief after I figure out some of my options, and then I can stop worrying about "Plan B".
Basically, I am not happy with my relationship right now, and neither is H. Something has got to change or neither one of us is going to be happy. She also mentioned that I could have a brief talk with H, explaining that we cannot remain acting how we are now, that things need to start changing in order for us to go anywhere. Because what we are doing is not working for either of us.
She was glad that I stood up for myself and told him that he was treating me unkind, and that I would like for him to be nicer to me around the house.
I ended up going shopping after my appointment to get some neon clothes for my Color Run (our team is wearing bright colours). I am not sure WHY we are wearing colours when we are going to get sprayed with spray paint and look like a rainbow by the end of it anyhow! haha
When I got home from shopping H and I were both in a great mood and had a really nice evening together.
This all still feels like the Twilight Zone to me!!!!
Peace, cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Flyonthewall.. I am going to back off discussing the job issue for a couple of days so I can think about things. One of the reasons he is pressing me is because the kids start school in the fall, and we would need to find a daycare very soon if I were to go back to my job. He has stated we cannot afford for me to stay at home with the kids anymore, which was the original plan.
He believes we might be spending more money than we are currently making, now that he is not allowed overtime at work. In all fairness, he was worked extra long hours for the past year so we could make ends meet and so that I could stay at home.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Aren't the good days great? Wish there were more of them.
Yes! I agree! And thankfully we have been having good days more often lately. Having the good days definitely makes this whole situation more tolerable. H has been acting more nice to me around the house lately which is helping things.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Just catching up on everyone's thread. The job you were offered sounds wonderful CP, right down your alley. Money is important, but how wonderful to have a job that pays a little less but that fulfills your soul. How long before you must give them a reply?
Would this new job cover any day care costs? I know that can be pretty expensive too. Maybe you could brainstorm on ways to save money so that you can take the job you love! It will be more money than if you stay home as a stay at home mom anyway. Good luck my dear! Sorry you're going thru this.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
ChasingPavements, you need to consider what is best for you. This may be the new job. Consider all the possible future scenarios and what could happen. If H leaves you, and then you're stuck in a job you don't like, you'll be even more unhappy?
Also, I always felt that only one of us (Me or my W) needs benefits since there is usually little advantage to both spouses have health insurance through work. Something to consider too.
The job you were offered sounds wonderful CP, right down your alley. Money is important, but how wonderful to have a job that pays a little less but that fulfills your soul. How long before you must give them a reply?
Would this new job cover any day care costs? I know that can be pretty expensive too. Maybe you could brainstorm on ways to save money so that you can take the job you love! It will be more money than if you stay home as a stay at home mom anyway. Good luck my dear! Sorry you're going thru this.
Aw, thanks Rosa Linda I was really hoping someone would tell me to go for the new job..hehehe . There are actually a lot of advantages to taking the new job. It would allow me to walk my 3 young children to school every day. And also, I would be able to stay at home with my 4 year old son, as he only goes to school every other day. (which also means I would not have to pay for child-care). And I think that I would really enjoy the job. They are contacting me in a few days for an interview.
I think a good plan would be for me to go to the interview and if it turned out that I didn't get this job, I could go back to my old job.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I was really hoping someone would tell me to go for the new job..hehehe 
. There are actually a lot of advantages to taking the new job. It would allow me to walk my 3 young children to school every day. And also, I would be able to stay at home with my 4 year old son, as he only goes to school every other day. (which also means I would not have to pay for child-care). And I think that I would really enjoy the job. They are contacting me in a few days for an interview.