Waiting For DR book from Amazon, SO my story...

[workinprogress]

Yesterday was a VERY VERY tough day. My youngest daughter was moving officially into her first apartment. She has been with me since day two of separation. We have gone through a lot of emotional moments together over this and been each other's support and gymn rats. My WAS/MLC spouse and I are purchasing her a car with the funds from my accident. I rolled my truck, and it was totaled. Anyhoo, yesterday was packing and loading the SUV and me dealing with my sorrow. H phoned several times yesterday, once while I was cleaning up beds in the front of the house. I didn't answer. Once while at the gymn. I didn't answer. Then he bubbled me while I was on a piece of equipment. I did respond, " ..tied up will get back to you soon." When I got home and D was in shower , I phoned him back. I was behaving "as if" and we got through the conversation. Normally I'm pretty positive and upbeat. I wasn't negative nor obviously down, but just didn't feel it. The discussion was mostly about getting the funds together for D's car, logistics, a little about his job offer coming in.

Things I've stopped doing on my own:

Saying " Love ya "

discussing relationship
crying where he can see or hear me
offering to get together (did it twice)
asking anything about what he does, other than job sit.

Things I've stopped doing since reading DR :

Answering the phone immediately
responding immediately
less frequent thoughts about his life ( where abouts )

Things I'm trying to do:

Working on me ( accepted job, joined dance classes 2 x's a week, trying to go out with friends (even when I don't want to)
Staying light upbeat and friendly on phone with H
Getting off or hanging up phone first
Taking care of body and making better food choices
Working on yard and gardens again
Focus on school when there
Journaling and getting emotions out

Things with which I'm having difficulty:

180's
Goal setting
Birthday is coming up Sept.8
Wondering where this is all going
Vacillating between empathy for him, anger, and despair
Frustration over his use of we, and our, when "we" are apart from each other
detachment/moving forward ( I moved most of his clothes out into storage facility ) Considering painting a room and reusing/redecorating it.

See much of what he "said" he felt was about coming 2nd. Not feeling as if he counted or was a priority. Sex was almost non existent, I "never" initiated and he stopped. I really don't know how to initiate. Feel awkward and uncomfortable. Much had to do with feeling alone, as if other's were more important than I (friends, family) I raised kids and was alone a lot. Whenever I attempted to have us do something on a regular basis there were always excuses. Yet he managed to schedule basketball, golf, now bowling and poker, on a fixed schedule. This hurt me over the years, and I really felt as if others were more important. I was the primary caretaker of the girls, and even if I did something, it was my responsibility to make sure they were tended to. He feels or has said he feels, as if everyone came first, me and the girls. I am able to concur somewhat when it came to decisions about financing schools, or the type of home. Yet as I really look back, he wanted to join a C.C. and that required an initiation fee and regular dues. He made sure he had all of his activities, yet couldn't make time for us. I facilitated the relationship between the girls and himself. When I tried to work on our sex life or romance, he wouldn't read anything or even try. I stopped trying because it hurt too much and I just figured he didn't care.

As I write this today, I even ask myself why? There is a core part of me that was hoping we could reunite during "empty nesting" but it was so awkward. He says he isn't sure about "working on our marriage" that he wants it to be about him. I now realize, a lot HAS been about him. He believes counseling will ruin our friendship, and I now wonder , what friendship? I can look back right now and say : WOW! I reeeally don't want to go back to that. I realize that I've self medicated with my children, activities to stay busy, friends to stave off loneliness. I don't want THAT marriage! I even see myself as going through a MLC! Thinking about driving a wee sports car and travel. Part of me wants to tell him about how I feel and my insight. The other part, committed to God, and to him. I have two daughters, who are very affected by this. I don't want them scarred by this.
I am feeling so hurt, for this is just more of what I felt when under the same roof; and that it reinforces what I have buried for so long ( 29 years of marriage and a couple for four years prior ). Do others come to this kind of epiphany? Am I going through a phase? Part of our problem was that neither shared our hurt or feelings. We avoided. I am more confrontational, but when one doesn't know how or is afraid to admit something out of fear of hurting the other, how does one go about it?

A real 180 for me would be to tell him how I've felt and why. But that is against the
" don't talk about relationship issues"

I am very confused, yet I do know I don't want that guy or marriage anymore! He has said he didn't feel accepted for who he was, perhaps I was seeing things and pushing him away unknowingly?

At this point conversations are pleasant, friendly, neighborly. No talk of divorce or even where we are going. He still talks of immediate future, but that is about jobs, and getting me a new car. He made a point of telling me that he went online looking at the Nissan Juke, (D told him we thought they were adorable) So he is still trying to please, but WHY? He does love me, and I him, but desire has dwindled. I think I'll stop now, this is not helping me keep a pma. I think I'll go talk to God.