H and I went to Retrouvaille 1 yr. ago. I thought it was great but H wasn't in the right mindset for it and so here we are. I am glad that it was so beneficial to you!!!
Just curious, how did you handle living with a WAW? My H is still thinking about moving out to an apt. I just wonder if I can handle acting like friends if he decides to not move out yet.
Thoughts??
nik
Nik,
Living with a WAS is never easy and I think more difficult than DBing to get them home.
Here are some tips I learned: - Come here to vent, keep from venting in front of a WAS. - Learn what real unconditional love is and love your WAS as Jesus loves them. - You have to face that you will be carrying the R for some time and need to be strong to do so. You MUST do this out of LOVE, decide to LOVE your WAS and do so without resentment. - Lower your expectations, there is no perfect mate. Compromise is key to a sucess R. - Don't make this about you. Getting angry at a WAS for not meeting your expectations is a losing proposition.
I will give an example of this that may help and was the begining of my realization of how to really LOVE someone. My W and I had planned to have dinner together that I would cook. She was going to be home by 7:00pm. 7pm came and I called to check to see if she would be home. I got voice mail, and left message that I was starting dinner and hoped she would be home soon and that she was having fun (loving tone and message).
I cooked the meal and set the table for 2, dished out dinner and had a nice meal alone. After dinner I left her plate out but covered it and wrote a note: "For my loving wife, wish you could have eaten this with me. Love Reuben" I cleaned up the rest of the dishes except for her meal and glass of wine.
She came home late and saw this and realized what she had done. She came to bed and said she was really sorry, and felt guilty about missing dinner. I didn't get angry or really say anything other than I love you and glad your home.
This allowed me to be who I am, a loving husband who cares about his wife. We cannot control their actions, but by not getting angry or judgemental, we allow our WAS to be responsible for their actions.
Hope this helps. I would also suggest if you haven't to try dialoging together with your H again. Maybe even visit a CORE meeting. Retrouvaille can and does work if you both put the effort into it.
natif, My original sitch is linked in my first post in this thread.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
