Last night my wife was tired so she tired go "walking" to see OM. She went straight home and straight to bed. At around 3 am he sent her a text. We sleep in the same room but in separate beds so I can tell when she is on her phone since the light goes off in the room and she moves around to hide what she is doing, etc. Anyway, after about thirty minutes I got about to go to the restroom and when I got back I asked her if she was up since she was moving. We talked for about thirty minutes. The conversation was light and friendly for the most part. Earlier she had wanted me to help her with some work stuff but she was asleep when I got home. I was teasing her how she likes to punch when I try to wake her up. She laughed. My wife has a lot of past issues with her family and the mental abuse I gave her earlier this year opened up past wounds. She has been wanted to go to counseling at a local church to deal with her issues but always brought up how it is too expense. So yesterday I paid for several sessions and told her last night about it. She was appreciative. I told her whenever she is ready, whether that be today, two months and two years - its available for her to use. I told her that I want her to be healthy both mentally and physicially and that there is no budget when it comes to health. I also asked her if I can take our son to church on Sunday when she goes walking on Sunday. She told me that she would like to take him to a different church on Sunday evenings (she hasn't gone to church in over 4 months - probably since the affair began). I asked her if I can go and she said she guessed I could go. Somehow that lead to a discussion about God. I told her that I've been learning to trust and depend more on God. That I've given Him my wife, my daughter, my dreams, etc. When I told her that she quickly jumped in and said "hey, you don't want me or our daughter." I told her that I do but that only God can give me that. That unless God is the center of our marriage and house, that it would never work.
In the morning I had to wake her up since she was very tired. She asked me if I could help her with some work stuff. So I tired for about an hour (I was 30 minutes late for work today but I was glad I could help). She called me twice later at work to help her over the phone with somethings at work. Apart from that, I really haven't heard much from her.
Today was more productive than the last several but the pain is still there. I am still very sad and feeling hopeless. I cried pretty hard today doing lunch (drove around before finally eating). I am thinking about talking to a lawyer (not to get a divorce) but to make sure I have things in order in case it doesn't work out as I don't want things to get nasty. Don't know if I should at this stage. A friend of mine suggested I get a licensed private investigator to gather evidence in case of a divorce. At this point I am expecting the worse while barely holding on to hope. If it wasn't for the OM, I would be in must higher spirits (and I was until I discovered the affair).
At this point I am really scared and afraid. I mainly think about my daughter and what is best for her. I don't want her to experience the pain of separated parents. At night I read to hear and spend time with her and it is so hard not to cry. I am definitely going to fight for joint custody if the divorce goes through. This is so tough. I will write later.
