Enough - time to move on

[25yearsmlc]

Having not read all your thread , i am not sure if this has been covered but i also believe that as well as age approriate truth, kids need to see the emotional fallout.

If you try to be strong and tough, you run the risk, that they think this sepersting/ divorcing as easy and okay. They could also accuse you as not caring.


I strongly disagree with almost all of this, in total ^^. It's one thing to show his kids that his pain is deep BUT NOT ETERNAL and it is NOT FATAL... those are crucial things to demonstrate and model for his children, and his pain has been very visible to his daughters and the public. He posted about his wife's behavior and his moral disapproval, on FB. So Rock can hardly be accused of hiding his feelings or being "too upbeat."

He must show them that their betrayals in life (which we know they'll face) are more than survivable.

Furthermore, his pain will burden THE KIDS, (unfairly) and NOT appear attractive to his wife at all, should reconciliation still be an option.


Looking and acting miserable, even when it's truly how you feel, is usually either unhealthy wallowing, or a tactic to shame or guilt the other party. It almost always backfires. I cannot think of a single time it has worked. It has gotten WASs to call for psychiatric help but that isn't the way to reconcile...Indeed, wallowing in your pain "to show you care" fails b/c it comes off to some WASs and kids, as a self centeredness. It makes First, the WAW want to flee faster, and then second, makes the kids squirm with discomfort and want to flee you more as well. Sometime listen to Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You" in which she discusses her MOTHER'S pain at being left by her h, blocking her mom from caring about the children's pain or what THEY were going through...

And it's an easy thing to rationalize. Hey, we WANT to show the WAS our pain. Part of us wants them to feel it!

But it's not coming from a place of light or love within.

Dust, I strongly urge you to read the Div Busting book again on why MWD suggests we have a PMA and focus on GAL and being spouses, only a fool would leave. She specifically says NOT to show how sad and needy you are.


Being morose and "devastated", is simply not going to get them to want to come home and it's terribly hard on the kids. You do the kids NO favor by showing them how rocky things are with you.

The children, have already lost one parent. The other parent must be stronger than ever now, not weaker. The kids are the priority.

But even if reconciliation were the main goal, you could communicate how you feel BUT that you also know you'll be fine and happy again, b/c you are a great catch & have a good attitude about your future, which you soon will I hope.

Rock, Your regret should at least in part be aimed FOR HER b/c she is the one losing the most, not you Rock.

I don't mean to minimize your loss but as it is now, it's not a joyfilled loving marriage anyhow. More importantly, perhaps, is that She is damaging her r's with the kids much more deeply than she realizes, and you are doing the opposite. If this were a contest, which it sometimes feels like, She's not "winning" here.

I have seen this happen to a friend. Her H left her for anothe rwoman. She kept it together for the kids... and as adults when the converstaion turned towards what Dad did years later, they were shocked at the pain and suffering of their mother and that they had alwayd believed their mother had not really loved their father ( hence the not caring , when he left ) and it sort of justified their Dads behaviour.

To me Dad got a ' get out of jail free ' card.



DUST, I mean no offense, okay?

But wow...
that statement is like saying "the H did not get punished" enough AND it is simply NOT as important as the arguments made above AND in the DB books. Did you read the Div Busting book or the Divorce Remedy book? Both books address this.

Your friend was right to be strong but we have no idea what she wasz like BEFORE he left. OR what she means when the kids said what they said, or how she acted.

But your comments seem to be making this about "winning" and being "right". That's NOT our goal. Also, meting out justice or "teaching a lesson" is NOT the spouse's job. Life does that for them. And later on, God.

I am putting the kids needs and what is in their best interests according to two child psychologists I asked, AND the chance of reconciling, ahead of all else.

And JUST so you know and don't oversimplify or twist my views,
NO, I am NOT suggesting he tell his kids "all is well, mom will come home soon!" OR "Hey we are both happy about this!"

Those words would be lies.

NOR should he say he is "okay" with what is happening.

But you are suggesting that Rock spend more time condemning the mother of his children, (never honorable)



and making those comments about their mother, TO THEM, as if there is ANY chance they don't know how he feels about it all. Heck, Rock posted his feelings on facebook AND TO his kids...and he regrets it.

and he has daughters, whose main role model will always be their mother. She is a part of them and when you condemn HER< you condemn them. \

That's how it feels to them psychologically speaking...

AND they do NOT need to know how sad and filled with sorrow HE feels...not at all. That will add to the weight they already carry on their shoulders.

EVERY kid thinks they played some role in the demise of a marriage. Bad enough to deal with that. But to see the LBSer walking around and appearing suicidal and or so morose, the kids feel they cannot be excited about THEIR love lives or the prom or winning the game, b/c "dad is so sad"...

OR worse, they feel THEY must "make dad happy again"...and when they "fail" to do that, it makes their self esteem take another hit.

This is what the child shrink told me back in 2006. It really helped me stay positive in front of my kids, which helped me practice it, and then it became more or a reality for me. I eventually DID see the upsides to his departure (less tension for one thing) and then my GAL helped big time and I became happier...and fully detached, on my own, but happy.

I believe that was a huge factor in our reconciliation.

But making the LBSer's grief another thing for the kids to face and see every day, another thing for them to worry about, will scar them, perhaps more than her behavior.

WHEREAS If he can show strength and honor and a quiet dignity in the face of betrayal, how much more they'll learn about grace and faith and what manly men of God, do.

This is NOT about him being "more right" but about him becoming the best man he can become b/c he knows his children need him more now, than ever. Why would he concern himself with lies his wife says?

His wife will NOT tell the kids that their dad is "just fine" BECAUSE of how he acts or what he says or does. She does not care at the moment.

If anything, I think if she sees him move forward, OR sees that OWs may be involved in her children's upbringing when they date Rock, or "just hang around" him, she will see him in a different light.

And no mother is "just fine" with OWs around their children, even when she is galavanting around the world.

I think if anything, she will be VERY VERY uncomfortable, to say the least. I think if there is a chance for her to wake up, it'll be by her fear of losing him. Rock, I know you won't date or even have female companions until you are good and ready. That's healthy. I am simply saying, do not worry about the impact on YOUR Wife...only your d's matter with this issue. And they may want you to date soon, for reasons implicit in my above comments.

Dust, I wasn't there at your friends house or in their marriage, so I don't know what vibes she put out or if a lack of affection OR too little sex (which means too much rejection) was a problem in the marriage.

I think if they were then to portray themselves as distant and "detached", it would play more into that very problem. In other words, MAYBE she did not do any 180s?

I don't know and won't judge, but if the way you describe the situation is accurate, it is imo, very RARE and that is why your advice is NOT consistent with MWDs book's advice.

She says to do 180s... Therefore, if over distance and or growing apart or a lack of affection happened inside the marriage and was a marital issue, then being detached while separated, would NOT be a 180.

In fact it would be more of the same. And it makes me wonder...Maybe the kids in your friend's marriage had not seen much affection before the divorce? Do you See my point? If she had been overtly loving and affectionate BEFORE the BD, the kids would have noted a change. But they did not.

We don't know the situation you are referring to, but
For the MOST PART however, DB advises GAL and having a PMA as more healthy and more attractive to the vast majority of LBSers.

Plus it makes US happier, faster. That counts too. I did not want to keep wallowing in my feelings of rejection and pain and rage. It kept me stuck, which is yet Another reason NOT to do this.


So when my H finally left and i was devastated , my kids knew to a point on how hurt i was. They saw the pain and they saw the survival. Perhaps the only up side for children of divorce is that they learn that there is survival when adversity strikes in your life.