Considering everything, I think you did a good job, T. The most attractive thing I thought you said was when you told her you weren't planning to sleep on the couch. Of course, I don't how your tone of voice was, but it was a great answer. Manly and sexy, b/c you weren't hinting or acting needy or standing around waiting to be told what to do. She could take your answer to mean you were going home to your own bed or you planned to be in hers. Either way, good answer.
Maybe you could check with her a few days before your next "alone" plans, to make sure a babysitter was a sure thing. Ic you both have stress with the kids, I'm thinking it may be difficult to get reliable babysitters. Is there any after-hour and weekend day cares there?
One thing I wanted to point out about her not waiting for you to finish your run and then shower and go get food.......I can see her point. I am not one who wait very long for my meal. I don't know if my blood sugar gets a little low, but I don't do well once I get really hungry. It's a family joke that mamma gets mean when she's hungry-(ha).
But she did sound like she was putting a little more effort into you being there. I really think it's b/c you are making positive decisions. When I first started reading your post, I thought "oh no", but as I read it, I could see that she appeared to follow your lead. That is really a good sign, T. She doesn't want you to dictate (as she said, telling each other what to do), but a W will respond to her H's leadership when she feels attracted to him. You didn't come across as sounding like you were bossing, but stepped up and was the leader.
I know it must have be disappointing, but I certainly don't think it was a,wash. Plus, it may have took that time together with the kids to know you two aren't ready.
I am proud of you. I might add, I'm impressed you could hold out on sex again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
