One giant leap forward! - Part 4

[T1000]

Today was the day we were taking the kids to the zoo and last night W and I were going to go out for dinner.

I don't think it went all that well but it did give me (and W) some perspective.

For whatever reason W couldn't get a sitter so we planned to stay in.

I got there early as my appointment beforehand ended up really short (got a speeding fine quashed, yay!). W was at the gym when I got there and her SF was watching the kids.

SF left and I watched the kids. W turned up about an hour or so later. Mood was light and pleasant.
I told W about my brother adopting and us not being able to go to Retrouvaille. She was happy about my brother and disappointed about Retrouvaille.
We discussed what to do for dinner. I offered to get a chinese.
W joked about me sleeping on the sofa. I said I don't plan on sleeping on a sofa. She joked a bit and said she was winding me up.
W fed the kids and I put them to bed. As W was going for a shower I said i was going for a run.
She asked if I was going to pick up the food on the way back. i said no I will order it when I get back and pick it up after my shower.
She said she was hungry. I didn't fancy standing in the takeout for 10-15 mins after a run when I could be showering.
She sort of blew it off and said OK.

Just as I was just about to start my run she text me:
"Don't worry about getting me any dinner. I'll just sort myself out....too hungry to wait."

I had no idea whether she was trying to control me or she wasn't bothered.
I left it and went for my run.
1st time I had done that particular run. Went really well. W gave me her best time beforehand and I managed to beat it by quite a bit.

Got back W as in a good mood (I was expecting negative after the text). She asked how I got on, drying her hair and making her dinner. She asked me if I wanted to watch a movie after dinner and I said yes.
I went for a shower then nipped out to get some food myself. W asked me to get a bottle of wine.

We sat down to watch a movie. We sat fairly close. We had seen it before years ago.

W spent quite a bit on her phone texting. Her friend she met through her sister (only 20 yo) was going on a date and W was worried about her.
Because we never ate together, W was on phone a bit and there wasn't much effort it wasn't what we needed it to be.

At one point we were discussing something about the kids where we had a difference of opinion. W challenged me and it felt just like old (bad) times. I managed to catch myself just before it kicked off. I tapped on her wine glass and said:
"We are not having this discussion at this time of night after you have been drinking."
W lifted her hand up (for a high five). I gave her the high five and she said:
"That's progress."
It was dropped after that.

The night carried on fine for a while.

Just before we were going to bed W got a message from her friend. She was trying to give her friend some advice about the situation she was in. Basically her friend had met a guy and after a really short 1st date she was going to his house for sex, as rough as she could get it.
W mentioned that her friend doesn't want to feel a slut. I mistakenly said that ship had already sailed. It was what I thought but I didn't need to say it. W spewed a little about me judging people and stormed off….to bed.

As I hadn't slept there in months I wasn't comfortable just going to her bedroom and getting in her bed after what happened.
I laid on the sofa for 10-15 minutes contemplating sleeping on the sofa. I decided not to. I thought I'm not leaping here, I'm not just going to get in her bed and I'm not going ask to get in her bed (felt pathetic to do that).
I went upstairs (she was in bed nearly asleep with the light off. I woke her and told her I was going home. I meant it, it would be great to sort it out but I'm not going be controlled like that if that was what she playing at. I walked out into the hall and starting putting my stuff in my bag. W shouted me back and asked why I was leaving. I said I'm not comfortable just getting in her bed after being so long and after what had just happened without being invited.
She asked me to stay and come to bed. I agreed.

We slept with our legs touching most of the night.

I noticed that the kids are different when they are at W's compared to my house. They settle really well at mine, sleep really well. Not so much at W's. I think it might be because I'm very consistent in how I put them to bed etc. where W not so much.

I let W sleep another 30 minutes, she has had the kids for the last 8 days so i didn't mind getting up with them.

In the morning W asked me how I slept. She was in a really good mood. We got ready and went to the zoo.
It should have been great day and it was to a certain extent but it was also hard work and very draining.
After the zoo we dropped the kids of with W's SF. We were going to spend it doing something together but it was only chance for W to get seen about her earache so we sat in the hospital for 45 minutes.
We joked about it being a date, it wasn't in anyway but we did talk about stuff.

I brought up about the going for a run and her being hungry to know what she was really feeling. She said she was disappointed that I would rather spend time going for a run when we planned to spend the evening together. She also said that doesn't want either of us to be telling the other what to do. It wasn't what she wanted but she decided to do her own thing until I was finished, it wasn't ideal but it wasn't a problem.
I liked her change in attitude and how she dealt with it. I admit i didn't give her enough credit.
I said tbh I could have gone for a run in the morning if I wanted one that much. In future if we have made plans I wouldn't do it.


It had been on my mind and rightly or wrongly I asked W if there had been anyone else since we were last together. There wasn't. She has been asked out a lot though.
Out of interest I asked how much does she find flattering and how much does she find just annoying.
She said it's about 98% annoying and 2% flattering. I asked if the 2% flattering was if the person was attractive and the 98% not attractive and she said yes.

W said she finds it hard to know where we are and what she should or should not be doing. She mentioned the whole "1 toe in" thing.She said she doesn't get any attention from me and it doesn't feel like there is anything there. If I'm not interested why wouldn't she go out for drinks with someone else.
I don't know if she used what I asked to force me into a position.

I said that for me personally I'm not dating anyone until I know it's over between us. I also said I'm obviously still more committed to the M than she was and she agreed.

I mentioned that we need to spend time together with no kids and put some effort in. She agreed.

She mentioned on the way out of the hospital that she finds it hard on a day like today to be evenly remotely attracted to me as she is tired and just see's me as the kids F who is helping out. I validated what she was saying and that I felt similar.

I went back to what I had just said but added to it.
We needed to cut back a lot on time together with the kids for now. It needs to be just me and her and doing something fun or lighthearted.
Today and last night we just went back to "normal life mode" and we are nowhere near ready for that yet.
We need to get to a good place before can start stressing out with the kids together. I'm not saying don't do anything but it has to be more about us and less about the kids for a while.
She agreed.

W said we should go out for dinner on Sunday night. I agreed.
I was talking about learning to swim properly and she said maybe I could teach her on a Sunday afternoon as something to do together. I thought that was also a good idea.

I said the it feels like the last day or so has been a bit of a failure but at least we have spoke about important things and we know where to go next. Again she agreed.

We took the kids for dinner. Then I set about leaving. W asked me if i wanted a hug and I said of course then I left.

I messaged her that i got home OK. Not heard anything back and that annoys me but trying not let it get to me.

It has really opened my eyes how important the "me and her" stage stage is before family days or any normal life can occur without causing a backwards step.

It's like time between W and I needs to be built up enough so we are able to get through a family day without it hurting our R.