How can you mend a broken heart?

[Raine]

The lead up and anticipation is always going to be so much worse than the actual event, at least that is what I found every single time. It's always going to come down to your choice. You still have the power in all this. Russia is going to be the wake up call he sorely needs. This is going to be good for you to have this time without having him around all the time. You really can take this as a break to focus on you.

[uRworthy]

My friend, Rosa, I know how hurtful this trip is. I know because I lived through a trip, too. The thing of it is that if you believe your h is in crisis, then you have to really and truly believe that this is part of it. Now, I always said that MLC is not a get out of jail free card. They are ultimately responsible for their actions. But I do believe that this crisis has broken them.

I also know that when you are severely depressed, which is a huge part of a MLC, you are desperate for relief. Desperate. It becomes almost manic the way you search for a cure. You hope for anything that can help you feel better. But because they are so broken, they do not have the energy or the capacity to turn to normal means to get help. They just want their life to feel better. They want a life completely different than the one they have. They think that is the only way to fix what's wrong. Clearly, when you see people act completely opposite of who they have always been, you can see the clutches of this crisis.

FY is right. We always have control over what we do, how we react. I copied this from my thread. I hope it helps.

And Rosa, I promise you this trip is not going to go the way you think it is. I came to find that out in my sitch first hand.

When we are given a challenge like the one we have been given, there are a few ways we can go.

We can give up, cut our losses and move on.

We can fight with all we have until we cannot any longer.

We can learn and grow and become who we were meant to be.

We can accept that life sometimes is really tough or rail againt the devil and blame him.

The thing to remember is this. We, all of us, may sometimes feel like we have no choice in this and blame it all on the MLCer.

But we pay a huge price when we do that.

We do not look inside. We do not do the work. We continue to blame whomever we blame.

But we sell ourselves short when we do that. We lose an amazing opportunity when we do that.

We miss out on taking control of us and OUR life.

And in reality, that is the only thing we have control over.

So, yes, this succks. It really does. It's hard and it's heartbreaking.

But when we begin to understand that we have control over our part of the journey - whether we quit or not, whether we grow or not, whether we accept or not, man, what power we have. What an opportunity we have, what great lessons we can learn.

When it gets really tough, take some time, back away, regroup, find some peace in whatever way you can at that moment.

When you are ready, get back on your path. Dig deep, find your footing, stand strong.

The single most important thing to remember is that we get to decide how we are going to act. We get to decide who we are and what we stand for.

We have power in all this. We do.

We have choices we can make. We can choose how to behave, what to feel, how to love.

I will tell you this. No matter what happens, you will not regret that you stood if you do the work.

You will not regret that you were someone who loved so much you were willing to let your spouse go.

You will not regret that when you realized you could do it no more, you were able to look back and see that you acted with dignity and courage and strength.

This is a journey you were meant to go on. I believe that with everyting I have.

And though it is so very hurtful at times, soul crushing at times, impossible at times, it is also powerful.

[sweetbabyred]

I agree with KML. I don't think his experience is going to be as wonderful as he thinks it is.

[nero]

hey hi linda dna forever-

i agree a whole lot. it's knowing i can just walk out anytime i CHOOSE - that enables me to choose to stay yet another day.

it's all in knowing ultimately you're makign the decision and not just havign it all thrust upon you.

which - btw - is exactly how it does feel most of the time- they're shoving this all down our throats and we're just tryin not to choke on it.

BUT YOU'RE RITE. IT IS OUR decision to stand. nobody has a gun toour head.

i also remind myself all the time- it does help. that and telilng myself that if i'm to have some wonderful OTHER LIFE - "in the end" - there's no rule that says it will not present itself while i'm still in this life standing. i mean- who does know? no body says the only way to get on with your new life is to be out of your old one-

perhaps while i'm here standing- something new will unfold and i'll just wend my way down that particular road.

maybe it all is happening "as it should" in the universe and we'll be presented with the new choices and paths as the time is rite for us.

or somthing like that (i'm very bad at putting this universe - new age junk i happen to buy into anyway (or religion) into words()

i just think there's a whole lot more going on "out there" than we can know about.

xxo

[nero]

i'm inclined to agree about the cluster-f also.

throwin in my two cents on that. how the heck can you be sick, need tests, etc, dental work!! ?/ for cripes sake- in a new country- when you don't feel well anyway- with someone you don't know all that well- i'd be sooo miserable i can't even imagine how he can imagine he won't be.

just sayin

[nero]

in response to y our question - "how to mend a broken heart" - i've forgotten a million times to say "plumbers goop" - or for that matter - any of the goop line of glues. i'm pretty sure they're all the same stuff- i love it-

[brobafet]

Rosalinda,

Hey I'm reading through your situation right now. I wanted to thank you for writing to me with out hijacking sweetbabyred's thread.

I don't think she is in a midlife crisis, I think she is a product of her environment. Having grown up with abuse seeing her parents, aunts, and uncles all cheat on each other. I think the first time could have been a MLC type situation but being 27 the first time and 30 now I don't know. And Now I realize that I'm hijacking your thread. I'm sorry. Thanks for reaching out.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Linda!

Oh yes, it's me, TVS - she's baaaaack!

Just catching up with you. Had some thoughts -

~ how is your eye? Is it any better?

~ I think you should perk things up for your next thread title - maybe something showcasing how wonderful you are like "More Than a Woman". You are more than a woman to us!

~ you know I know about "big" trips with the OW. I definitely had a lot of stress and anxiety about it. I wondered - what would happen when he got back???

It ended up being pretty non-climactic. His demeaned had changed, he was definitely more down and depressed when he got back. But nothing major actually happened - at least that I knew about.

I'm not gonna lie... I still hope that one day I will know the truth about that trip.

I am guessing that there are some slow, long- term effects from their trip. And I don't think they are good!

My advice is keep as busy as possible, have fun, pamper yourself a bit. Whether its true or not, imagine them being miserable together - I know that helped me lol!

There's so many scenarios you could imagine... Him getting his tooth pulled in some back alley dentist... Fermented oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner... RT being a b!tch and getting on his nerves...

You get the idea

~ I read the Munson book early after bomb. It was very helpful to me at the time. I think I had made a comment here long ago about that being the shortest MLC ever, and someone (Cadet maybe?) suggested that it was more likely a MLT (midlife transition).

There was a part early on in the book that upset me.

She says something about wondering if her husband was into something shady like drugs or another woman. Then she stopped herself and said something to the effect of "Did I really think so little of my husband?"

I remember bursting into tears, because yes, I did think so little of my husband. And it made me feel bad.

Truth is, I had every reason to think he was having an affair. He was/is. That's not thinking so little of him so much as facing reality.

So read the book, take what you can from it that helps you. Toss the rest out!


Hope you are feeling better and having a good day

[RosaLinda]

Nero "in response to y our question - "how to mend a broken heart" - i've forgotten a mi llion times to say "plumbers goop" - or for that matter - any of the goop line of glues. i'm pretty sure they're all the same stuff- i love it"

Plumbers goop eh? That will put all those shattered bits back together? Some of 'em are pretty much in smitherines, having been trod on and kicked around a bit too. 

Nero "throwin in my two cents on that. how the heck can you be sick, need tests, etc, dental work!! ?/ for cripes sake- in a new country- when you don't feel well anyway- with someone you don't know all that well- i'd be sooo miserable i can't even imagine how he can imagine he won't be."

Me too. He is SO miserable. I hope he feels free to take it all out on RT like he does with me. He won't be able to keep a pretense and false happy loving face up for 30 days, no way, because that is just how he is, not part of his MLC at all.  Poor ole slut doesn't know what she's in for. But she probably doesn't really care either. What is a little nastiness when you have that coveted green card as the Prize?

Brobafet "I don't think she is in a midlife crisis, I think she is a product of her environment. Having grown up with abuse seeing her parents, aunts, and uncles all cheat on each other. I think the first time could have been a MLC type situation but being 27 the first time and 30 now I don't know. And Now I realize that I'm hijacking your thread. I'm sorry. Thanks for reaching out."

You are welcome to post amything you want on my thread, any time Bro. Never considered hijacking!

If you don't think your W is having a MLC, she'd be a WAW then right? I am not up on the difference in how you handle that sitch. What are your plans?

A MLC can go on and on you know, and go thru many manifestations. My H has been at it for 4 years this minth, and I often have the same thought - this couldn't be a MLC after all this time. But then I look at his actions. He's either in a MLC or crazy. So I'm standing the best I can for as long as I can. 

TVS "you know I know about "big" trips with the OW. I definitely had a lot of stress and anxiety about it. I wondered - what would happen when he got back???

It ended up being pretty non-climactic. His demeaned had changed, he was definitely more down and depressed when he got back. But nothing major actually happened - at least that I knew about.

I'm not gonna lie... I still hope that one day I will know the truth about that trip. 

I am guessing that there are some slow, long- term effects from their trip. And I don't think they are good! 

My advice is keep as busy as possible, have fun, pamper yourself a bit. Whether its true or not, imagine them being miserable together - I know that helped me lol! 

There's so many scenarios you could imagine... Him getting his tooth pulled in some back alley dentist... Fermented oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner... RT being a b!tch and getting on his nerves..."

T! Glad you're back! How was your mini vacation? Thanks. I know your H taking FT on that beach vacation was so hard for you. I'll try to imagine your funny scenarios, your post made me laugh. But I bet these WILL be true RT is a bitch and will not be able to hide it for a month. My H is horribly crabby when he's sick and she won't let him take his medicine and will y him with fermented oatmeal instead. He wanted a taste of living like a Russian - he's gonna get it!

Wonka  "Linda, it's the fear of the unknown. Time for you to sit on the discomfort sofa and sort through these feelings. Also it is part borrowing trouble as well. Trust us when we all say that the A will burn out eventually and the trip to Russia will do your M a world of good. If not immediately afterward, then it will in time after H returns from the trip. There are just too many negatives about the trip and RT that they will eventually pull down the R and burn out. 

Be prepared for many bumps before the trip and after H returns home. Keep this in the back of your mind and remind yourself that it is not about you.

Thank you Wonka, I needed to hear this. I have a hearing this morning and was listening to the video "The Secret" in the car, about positive thinking and the law of attraction. I'm going to take their advice and stop thinking about things I'm afraid of and don't want. Namely my H no longer loving me and leaving me. For the Tramp or anyone else. And take your advice and camp out on the discomfort sofa for awhile to sort out my feelings and stop borrowing trouble. Good advice. 

I think I need focus on exactly what I do want, and visualize it like the video says to do. For the next 7 weeks I will try to visualize my H returning from Moscow with a new love and appreciation for me, emotionally and physically loyal, and ready to rededicate himself to our M. And that I regain my inner peace and happiness. whew!

I have a new GAL, just applied for a pistol permit! I've always wanted to try target shooting. Pretty excited!

[chasingpavements]

Hi Rosa Linda,

Just catching up on your situation. My only advice is eat healthy! My H left for a long weekend with the kids a while back and I was left alone in the big empty house. I was sad that H had left without me, as I am part of the family, and he was just feeling uncomfortable with everything that was going on. I felt like an outcast in my own family! Anyway, my point is, I ate mac and cheese for dinner every day so my advice is to (not do what I did) and try to eat healthy and take care of yourself.

I agree with others to pamper yourself and do things that make you happy. It is great that you are able to do some self-reflection and work on regaining your inner peace and happiness. Do whatever it takes in order for yourself to feel happy again, you deserve it, you are such a nice person!

-cp