Blindsided Part 2

[AnotherStander]

For the past few weeks, he has been initiating much more (like 4 times a week, which is more than since we were teenagers!).

Wow, that's crazy. I really don't understand someone who drops the bomb, but then keeps living at home and ML with their LBS like everything is fine. There's really no telling what's going on inside his head. There's a chapter towards the end of DR that talks about ML with a WAS, you might want to go back and read it. If I recall, she says it's OK as long as it's not upsetting you emotionally.

[chl0901]

Thanks, AS, for your response. I got DR in the other day and planning on starting it tomorrow. It doesn't upset me; in fact, I much prefer this over not ML. Obviously he is very confused. Just wish I could know what he is thinking!

[chl0901]

So, I made a big backsliding mistake today and checked our phone bill online because I've been getting to feel "too" comfortable with how things are going lately between me and H (expectations). I felt like I needed to see how often they were texting (since it was so much before) to see if they had slowed down or stopped. I didn't see OW's number for the past 2 weeks and felt really happy (for a bit). I then saw another number I didn't recognize over and over for those past two weeks, so I began to suspect she changed her number. I panicked (dropping from my happy feeling) and was contemplating asking H about it tonight after work. Well, H called me right after this happened and I told him I have to ask him something later and he said to ask him right now and I said no because I'm at work. After going back and forth a bit, he said well text me then so I said okay. I text him and said, "I'm not trying to make a big deal about anything or accuse you of anything but what # is 555-555-5555?" He at first said, "Don't recognize the number. Is it in my phone?" so I said, "Look it up in your phone. It's there." He said, "That's [guy friend's name]'s new number. Why?" He then sent about 6 text messages asking, "Why?" and "What's the problem?" while I was deciding on how to answer. I finally responded, "I'm not trying to make you mad. I was paying the phone bill and saw over 100 text messages this week with that number and didn't know who's it was so I was wondering." We went back and forth a little bit with me apologizing and him saying he's p*ssed (surprise, surprise) and then him trying to say I'm the secretive one with my phone and he never says anything (WHAT?!). I told him he can look at my phone anytime and I have nothing to hide. He then asked me to tell him if I've cheated on him which I said no. This is still going on now. What a cluster#%*!. I knew I shouldn't have said anything, but I let my emotions get the best of me. I still don't even know if that number is his friend's or hers.

[Mimi00]

Hi Chl0! Sorry things took a negative turn with the snooping. I admit I snoop a lot too...but my H has no idea and I plan to keep it that way....that info is for me to know and him to never find out bc it looks really bad on me lol. I hope you're are to clean it up...maybe when things cool down apologize and let him know you were wrong and leave it at that?

[chl0901]

Well, what a rollercoaster I am on! H was upset with me Friday night after the whole phone bill conversation. I did find out that the number IS his guy friend's (who he said it was), so I started all of that for nothing. Then the past (like when we were dating/breaking up on/off for a week at a time type thing) was brought up and he started giving me a hard time about a date I went on with a guy over 6 years ago when we were broken up (we did kiss) and wouldn't leave it alone all weekend. It started to really annoy me but I let him go on and answered his questions, etc. (he decided he wanted to know every detail of the date and guy, etc.). Yet he wanted to ML Sat. night and TWICE yesterday (haven't done that in YEARS)! He opened up to me a little last night after we ML and said he was giving me a hard time because he was jealous (over something that happened sooo long ago) and that he was just worried because I am so pretty. This is from the man who told me not even two months ago that he is not physically attracted to me anymore and wants to divorce me because of that. Soooo confusing. It did make me feel nice to have him tell me I was pretty at least last night! Last night really was great though. Today we have been very flirty through text messages so we'll see what tonight brings. Getting hard to keep up with the bumps on this ride!

And thanks for stopping by, Mimi - I did apologize to H Friday night about the whole phone bill thing. Will not make that mistake again! Hope you had a nice weekend!

[chl0901]

So, H has been really sweet and loving towards lately (especially the past 4-5 days). He has wanted to ML every night, wants to kiss me and hold me close (which has not been our "norm" in years). I'm still doing my 180s and GALs. The past few days H has told me how pretty I am several times and how much he loves me. I don't know what is going on with him, but I obviously like it.

I am trying not to get my hopes/expectations too high because I know he is still probably confused and could do a 180 at any time. He text me this morning that he loved me and I said it back, then he text me, :I'm so happy where we are. Never been happier, I want to just be with you and [son] all the time."

I don't know if H and OW are still seeing each other and talking so much, and I'm not going to make the mistake of snooping again after last week's debacle!

[Mimi00]

I'm so happy he didn't let the phone thing get to him too much and let it go. Its great to see you both are in a positive place and that you're still being cautious. Keep working hard on your 180s, I hope everything continues to get better and better!

[lovethehub]

Yes, I do not feel comfortable setting any boundaries at this time, because I feel that would push my H away and he would also deny, deny, deny. I guess I am just hoping deep down that his whatever relationship with OW will fizzle out and things will improve with us to the point where he doesn't feel the need to stray or have inappropriate relationships like this again.

Smart thinking, now is not the time to set boundaries. AS is right though that it will need to be addressed at some point when the two of your are on firm ground.

Well, what a rollercoaster I am on! H was upset with me Friday night after the whole phone bill conversation. I did find out that the number IS his guy friend's (who he said it was), so I started all of that for nothing.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. We all make these mistakes but DBing most of the time makes a big difference over spending every day acting this way - which is what most of us would be doing without DB!

I am trying not to get my hopes/expectations too high because I know he is still probably confused and could do a 180 at any time. He text me this morning that he loved me and I said it back, then he text me, :I'm so happy where we are. Never been happier, I want to just be with you and [son] all the time."

If this keeps up it will be hard on your to keep your expectations in check but you must. Things could be over permanently and he may have realized what he wanted or he could 180 just like you said. Be careful, us WAS's can be back and forth, back and forth for a while.

There are many positives in here, so even if he is still confused and F's up again, it doesn't mean it has to be over.

Keep on keeping on!

[chl0901]

I'm so happy he didn't let the phone thing get to him too much and let it go. Its great to see you both are in a positive place and that you're still being cautious. Keep working hard on your 180s, I hope everything continues to get better and better!

Thanks, Mimi! Me too...it took him a few days, but he hasn't mentioned it in the past couple so I'm hoping he's let it go. I also hope to keep going in whatever positive direction this seems to be as well. I'll keep updating!

Try not to be too hard on yourself. We all make these mistakes but DBing most of the time makes a big difference over spending every day acting this way - which is what most of us would be doing without DB!

Thanks, lovethehub, that's so true! If I hadn't started my DB journey, I would definitely be a hot mess and driving my H crazy with my questions and nagging, etc. Thanks for the reminder.

If this keeps up it will be hard on your to keep your expectations in check but you must. Things could be over permanently and he may have realized what he wanted or he could 180 just like you said. Be careful, us WAS's can be back and forth, back and forth for a while.

There are many positives in here, so even if he is still confused and F's up again, it doesn't mean it has to be over.

Keep on keeping on!

I hoping this change in direction is where we continue heading, but am definitely cautious while also enjoying what's currently going on. Thanks for stopping by!

[RealityTrip]

Just a little snoopy fumble but a nice recovery. It happens to the best of us. I'm an All-Star snooper myself. Rehabilitated of course!