If She Won't Stop the Affair?

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25yearsmlc
I am brand new to the forum having just found it yesterday. I read your 40 "rules" and have already started taking back control of my life and my self respect. I have read through the rules and know I am going to have a very VERY hard time with several and hope that you can expand on a few to help give me a little direction on how to carry them out to the best of my ability.
I am planning to pick up the DB book today at lunch and I am considering posting my story in hopes to find some support.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
I have already blown this one big. I have had a hard time talking about my marriage problems and I have not talked with any of my friends. I am ashamed, embarrassed and I don't think my friends would really know what to do except take me out to get drunk. Instead, I made what I think is a big mistake and, I told my mother all about our problems and my wife's affair. My mother has been very supportive and has not judged. She has been able to give me great advice and has consistently encouraged me to do everything I can to salvage our marriage.
The problem is now my wife knows that I have told me mom and she is very uncomfortable. I can see now that my wife, who already has one foot out the door, now has another reason to leave. I have told my mother that I thought I made a mistake bringing her into this but I think now she is hurt that I won’t talk to her anymore. I have started counseling but wish I had someone else to talk to as our problems seem to change direction from hour to hour and the one time a week I see the counselor is a little limited. Not sure what you could recommend here but any ideas would be helpful.

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
While trying to work out some of the problems my wife and I have decided to try to spend more time together. We have been trying to go on two dates a week, Wednesdays and Saturdays. Most have gone well and we reconnect for at least a few hours. Tonight is Wednesday and nothing has been said about our date tonight. Should I quietly stop bringing them up? Should I try to schedule something else for myself? Will she not take this as being negative or angry?

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) In short, No Snooping.
This will be the hardest to do! I found out about the affair when things did not seem right. I snooped on her phone and found sexual texts from another man. We talked, agreed to work on us and she swore that it was over. Weeks later while she passionately insisted that they had not been in contact but things still did not feel right I again found very sexual texts on her phone. By this time she became very good at covering her tracks and was deleting all texts and call records from him but one slipped by from him after they had a night together. Again, overwhelmingly passionately she swore she would end it. More weeks went by and all the while she insisted that they had no been in contact and the we were working together on the marriage. Again, something did not feel right and I put a voice recorder in her car. 5 minutes after she left the house she was on the phone with him laughing at how stupid I was. I bet you can guess what comes next. After about a week she found the recorder and we had another talk. Again she said she would break off contact but she has not. My last bit of detective work was to put spyware on her phone that could see who she texted and who she called (at least on her cell phone). It was clear she had not broken off communication with him.
Last night I decided I know all that I needed to know and removed the spyware and told her that it had been removed.
All of the pieces of information that all of these snooping and spying have reviled have been the only truths I have heard for over two months. Everything she says is a lie. If I am to now give up the detective work and she again tells me she has given up contact and plans to work on our relationship how can I tell if it is true? Each time I wanted to believe her so I did. I have told myself I would no longer snoop but I am addicted to the truth and severely skeptical of anything she says. I really do not know what to do on this one. She thinks I’m literally insane for all the snooping but I feel that if she had nothing to hid I would not have anything to snoop for. also I can’t imagine where we would be if I had not snooped and found her lies.

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne/perfume, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. The supposed changes will look like "tactics" to get them back & then they won't believe the changes are lasting.

How do you “act” as if everything is ok??? I am a terrible actor and it is impossible to hid my feelings. I’m devastated, angry, frustrated and 1000 other emotions all at once. How can I be cheerful?

What if she wants a kiss hello or a kiss godby? She will take this and being cold and negative if I do not oblige.
What if she wants to have sex? Although it disgusts me when I think about the two of them together, my desire for her has risen significantly. Will she not take the rejection of a sexual advance and being bitter and angry?
At night she wants to sleep very close and cuddle and for me to touch her. If I stop will this not also be a sign of anger?

She tells me that their relationship is over and she comes home and pretends that we are together. We go on dates and reconnect. I love her and keep naively believing her after each lie until I find proof of her lie.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.