Your bottom line about legally protecting yourself is a good point that should be taken into account related to the overall goal. And there are lots of ways of protecting yourself legally and still remaining easily negotiable and saving the marriage.
The DBer should FIRST determine their goal.
We should NOT tell someone what their goal should be and related actions should be decided on based on the DBers Goal.
You talk about statistics and 'the majoritiy' without basis. And about boundaries and follow through. Without respect to what the DBer themselves want and without knowledge about what may work for them except for your idea of what their goal should be to move forward on their own and enforce boundaries whether or not this saves the marriage.
DBing is quite the opposite.
First--the DBer determines the goal FOR THEMSELVES. Then--they break that goal up into smaller goals. Then--they work on the most likely outcome to achieve those goals Setting boundaries is AFTER the Last Resort Technique--meaning when all else fails and you are really really really ready to give up the marriage. In NO WAY is this an early on option for saving the marriage and in fact, it may well END THE MARRIAGE.
There are so many options to try first. Some are spelled out in DR and on this site.
What other options are there to try first, if the WAS has moved out and has OS or is just sleeping around with anyone and everyone?
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I thought you might want to start a new thread since yours is over 100 postings.
Here's a message that was posted over on the MLC Forum from the dmod:
As is the tradition on this forum per JTB---
Please self moderate related to large threads. If your thread is over 100 posts, please start a new one.
We greatly appreciate that some of you are notifying us in this instance, and yet there is no need. Just start a new thread if yours is large.
We appreciate all of you on this forum. So many of you are vets....folks that have been thru the ringer and have been with us a very long time.
We appreciate you so much.
You represent love at its best, enduring at its hardest.
We send our love from us at divorcebusting.com to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Caughtup, Can you start a thread so that we can provide guidance/assistance to you? Tell us a little about yourself and what you are experiencing.
I would suspect that relationship between his wife and the om is still going strong. Generally, the affair has to die a slow and natural death.
I think he is very wise in keeping the focus on his children and himself. Unfortunately, we are forced to begin taking it one day at a time, one step at a time and starting new lives w/o our spouses participating in them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
25yearsmlc I am brand new to the forum having just found it yesterday. I read your 40 "rules" and have already started taking back control of my life and my self respect. I have read through the rules and know I am going to have a very VERY hard time with several and hope that you can expand on a few to help give me a little direction on how to carry them out to the best of my ability. I am planning to pick up the DB book today at lunch and I am considering posting my story in hopes to find some support.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. I have already blown this one big. I have had a hard time talking about my marriage problems and I have not talked with any of my friends. I am ashamed, embarrassed and I don't think my friends would really know what to do except take me out to get drunk. Instead, I made what I think is a big mistake and, I told my mother all about our problems and my wife's affair. My mother has been very supportive and has not judged. She has been able to give me great advice and has consistently encouraged me to do everything I can to salvage our marriage. The problem is now my wife knows that I have told me mom and she is very uncomfortable. I can see now that my wife, who already has one foot out the door, now has another reason to leave. I have told my mother that I thought I made a mistake bringing her into this but I think now she is hurt that I won’t talk to her anymore. I have started counseling but wish I had someone else to talk to as our problems seem to change direction from hour to hour and the one time a week I see the counselor is a little limited. Not sure what you could recommend here but any ideas would be helpful.
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. While trying to work out some of the problems my wife and I have decided to try to spend more time together. We have been trying to go on two dates a week, Wednesdays and Saturdays. Most have gone well and we reconnect for at least a few hours. Tonight is Wednesday and nothing has been said about our date tonight. Should I quietly stop bringing them up? Should I try to schedule something else for myself? Will she not take this as being negative or angry?
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) In short, No Snooping. This will be the hardest to do! I found out about the affair when things did not seem right. I snooped on her phone and found sexual texts from another man. We talked, agreed to work on us and she swore that it was over. Weeks later while she passionately insisted that they had not been in contact but things still did not feel right I again found very sexual texts on her phone. By this time she became very good at covering her tracks and was deleting all texts and call records from him but one slipped by from him after they had a night together. Again, overwhelmingly passionately she swore she would end it. More weeks went by and all the while she insisted that they had no been in contact and the we were working together on the marriage. Again, something did not feel right and I put a voice recorder in her car. 5 minutes after she left the house she was on the phone with him laughing at how stupid I was. I bet you can guess what comes next. After about a week she found the recorder and we had another talk. Again she said she would break off contact but she has not. My last bit of detective work was to put spyware on her phone that could see who she texted and who she called (at least on her cell phone). It was clear she had not broken off communication with him. Last night I decided I know all that I needed to know and removed the spyware and told her that it had been removed. All of the pieces of information that all of these snooping and spying have reviled have been the only truths I have heard for over two months. Everything she says is a lie. If I am to now give up the detective work and she again tells me she has given up contact and plans to work on our relationship how can I tell if it is true? Each time I wanted to believe her so I did. I have told myself I would no longer snoop but I am addicted to the truth and severely skeptical of anything she says. I really do not know what to do on this one. She thinks I’m literally insane for all the snooping but I feel that if she had nothing to hid I would not have anything to snoop for. also I can’t imagine where we would be if I had not snooped and found her lies.
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne/perfume, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. The supposed changes will look like "tactics" to get them back & then they won't believe the changes are lasting.
How do you “act” as if everything is ok??? I am a terrible actor and it is impossible to hid my feelings. I’m devastated, angry, frustrated and 1000 other emotions all at once. How can I be cheerful?
What if she wants a kiss hello or a kiss godby? She will take this and being cold and negative if I do not oblige. What if she wants to have sex? Although it disgusts me when I think about the two of them together, my desire for her has risen significantly. Will she not take the rejection of a sexual advance and being bitter and angry? At night she wants to sleep very close and cuddle and for me to touch her. If I stop will this not also be a sign of anger?
She tells me that their relationship is over and she comes home and pretends that we are together. We go on dates and reconnect. I love her and keep naively believing her after each lie until I find proof of her lie. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
M-44 W-33 Daughter 7 M-9 D-Day 1 (06/08/2013) texts found D-Day 2 (07/10/2013) more texts found
sw-1234, please start a new thread and tell about your own situation, so people can give you individual advice. good luck! you are among friends on this forum!
Hello all .Im new here and have a very complex sitch.My wife of 18 years has been having a affair for over three years . T his is very complex turns out the 2 year 3 month old D is not mine and that breaks my heart even further!She has a list of bad relationship offences that are a mile long which are basically communication breakdowns on my part.We are both 42 and have been together 21.5 years with a step D 22 S20 S 17 She has cheated repeatedly on me plus obviously got pregnant to the OM. She left me after me disputing the paternity orally .She expects me to take my personal effects and give her the house .She initially gave me three weeks to move out but I refused she then moved in with her mom . Sons want nothing to do with her. Sitch is bad as I'm attached to daughter and she is making it hard for me to see her . She hasen't filed yet either and it's been 26 days since she left!She works for a Christian school as a preschool teacher and I called her pastor and told him the sitch and told him I want R . given the circumstance he is given her the choice of repent and reconcile or basically job loss and excommunication from church in about three steps.Today went to pick up D and OM was at MIL so I introduced myself to him a major conversation ensued and I pulled him aside and tried to explain the gravity of the sitch to him very calmly basically every thing got aired out and she said she would not go back to me under no circumstances listing every reason that you can imagine. Now what do I do ? This is so hard because of kids involved also she states I never loved her! Any suggestions please
