Emotional Connection and Attraction

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IMHO, I've seen it work both ways. I've seen the LBS detach and separate from the WAS and have the WAS both come back and also some thought they liked being single and free and hooked up with someone else.

Totally agree with this! Once you open the door, either they'll walk back through it, or they won't!

My argument is that if they are in the second category where they like being single and free and hooking up with someone else, you wouldn't have kept them anyway, so dropping the rope sooner just shortens your suffering waiting for the inevitable. If they are in the first category and likely to return, dropping the rope sooner shortens your wait.

What would you do in my sitch?

I would pursue a "controlled separation". There is a book out there that will guide you through this. A controlled separation basically means that you're going to work together to take a break. The "controlled" part means that it's for a pre-defined amount of time, and you agree how you will conduct yourself while separated. i.e. you agree on whether you will date others or not, how you will handle finances, how you will handle custody, how you will handle contact between the two of you -- you lay it all out up-front. This greatly reduces the uncertainty and therefore the anxiety. At the end of the controlled separation, you reassess and decide on your path forward. Simple as that. To make it work, you really have to treat it like a separation, however, and live your own life.

What would your daily interactions look like?

I would strive to be less emotionally available until I had a reciprocal commitment. I would be friendly, pleasant, funny, but not emotionally intimate and the opposite of needy. I would not pursue AT ALL.

How would you try to incite some passion or fill the void she's missing?

Can't. That's a recipe for self-torture.

LONG TERM you could embrace the MMSLP type philosophy, start working out religiously and develop a killer physique, dress better, etc. which should improve your self confidence. Would that work? MAYBE, it might make no difference at all, but it's certainly not a quick turnaround, it could take a couple years.

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Here is something very useful that I read -- "in love" feelings are based in fear. It is the fear that provides the high, just like extreme sports give you an adrenaline rush.

When you're dating, you don't know if the person will call you back, you don't know what they're thinking, you don't know what they think of you, you don't know if they will reciprocate your advances. You don't know the other person's full story and there could be some horrible skeleton lurking in the closet that you haven't come across yet. All these things are risky, and the risk imparts fear of failure. The fear fuels the desire, and the reward is the sweetest because of the fear that was overcome -- i.e. high risk = high reward.

That's why affairs can be so powerful emotionally -- the risk and the secrecy are even higher than regular dating, it's intoxicating.

Now look at "long term husband":

Does she know what you think of her? Yes
Does she know if you'll call her back? Yes
Does she know if her advances will be reciprocated? Yes
Does she believe there are things about you to discover? No

So where is the fear? Where is the risk? There isn't any.

What can you do about that? Not much.

You're not a date, you're not an affair partner, you're a long term husband, so you CANNOT incite the passion that those other types of players will incite.

Unless you separate....

Now she doesn't know what you're going to do, if you're going to come back, or if you won't, and the fear and uncertainty can come back, igniting the passion.

OR, to Mr. Bond's point, she can decide she doesn't care what you do or if you come back, in which case, I would argue, you're done either way.

Acc