My mother is dying. XW wants to be my friend.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks for the responses.

Yes Delboy, they are f*cked up.

The only reason that I can come up w/is that she feels very safe now in contacting you and your family members because she has remarried and there are now no expectations for you to think about.

Yes but, these are people that she NEVER talked too. One of them she hasn't talked to since we were teenagers. (We married young.)

I certainly hope that they are not telling her what you are doing as it is none of her business any longer.

I don't think they are, but who knows?

She is NOT the same person and you can see that. She is also trying to heal in HER own way. One that seems to hurt you, but it's possible she has blocked so much that she doesn't understand (at a conscious level) why you are hurt and not happy for her. Kind of like she had an emotional stroke or something.

"Emotional stroke" is very true AJ. She is nuts beyond belief. Sometimes, I'll think that maybe it really was just me and then I remember all of her craziness when this all began. I really do think she is nuts and mentally "not right." Something is definitely wrong. She even sent me a text one day from work before she moved out that said: "I know something is wrong with me, but I don't know what." What an emotional mess.

You asked about my mom.

She is not good. She knows that she is on borrowed time and has started giving things away. She wrote her obituary yesterday. Beginning tomorrow, Hospice will be coming in to help her. She fell the other day. She told the doctor today that she wants no more Chemo. She is just tired of feeling bad. She tells me not to be sad and that she is okay with dying. I felt like asking her "how can you be ok with it", but decided not to. I'm of the belief that she MIGHT have 6 weeks. This is a terrible time of year for me and this mom thing just makes me hate this time of year even more.

August 30 - Wedding Anniversary

September 23 - My brother kills himself.

October 1 - My grandmother died.

Octomber 10 - Bomb drop

October 25 - Mom's birthday and my birthday.

October 28 - S20's birthday.

Ug.....

I'm just hoping it isn't one of those dates.

She has also started giving away her money. I think the doctor gave her a time frame and she just isn't telling anybody.

She has requested that my brother and I go to Church with her "one last time" this Sunday.

God is sort of on my sh!t list right now, but I will go for her.

I'm so down.

Tad

[Rick1963]

Sorry about your sitch Tad. My dad died 5/24/11 and I remember my ex saying she was sorry from afar. A month later we separated. The rest is history. The one thing I know is that I didn't have time or energy to grieve his passing since I was in the middle of my own crapp and severely depressed. Spend time with her. She sounds like a very strong lady. God bless her, and you

[sunshinelewis]

Tad I sure hate to hear you talk like that about God. Whether you realize it or not, you couldnt have gotten where you are at without him. Just because things arent going the way WE would like them, certainly doesnt mean God should be blamed.
God will stand with you and hold every tear you cry in the palm of his hand. He's right beside you Tad, dont give up on him.

As for mlcers remarrying soon.
Mine met the woman and remarried her 5 mths after divorce was final. He left in around Oct., Divorce in Dec. and he met her in Jan. They married 5 months later (i think).
She also got pregnant the same month they married (or before).

It has happened alot Tad.

Sorry to hear about your mom. I buried my mother 3 weeks before my xh left. I was a complete mess. But today, Im good as GOLD!
Thanks to Jesus!

Hugs,
Renee

[MrBond]

"God is sort of on my sh!t list right now, but I will go for her."

I agree with sunshine. God didn't cause this. People did.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks for the responses.

It is not that I'm really angry with God, I'm just questioning a lot of things right now.

Update on mom:

She isn't going to be here much longer. She has really taken a bad turn. It was so bad last night that we thought we were going to lose her overnight. I was overcome with so much emotion last night. Unfortunately, I found myself really missing XW.

Today was much better. She perked up for Church. She wasn't well enough to go, so her Church came to her. It was nice. I can tell that they really love her. We had musicians and everything. After Church, she kind of sunk again. She is lethargic and hanging on ever slow slightly. She says some really weird things and some things you can't understand. Today, S22 and I were visiting with her and she says:

"XW called me."

Me: "What?"

Mom: "XW called me."

Me: "XW called you?"

Mom: "XW called me."

A few minutes later, I called XW only to see if mom was telling me something that was true, or just a weird thing like she has been saying lately.

ME: "Hey did you call mom?"

XW: "No. Would you have gotten all angry with me if I did?"

I then explained why I was calling. She then says:

"Was she happy or sad or angry when she said that?" (Giggles)

Me: "She wasn't any of those."

XW: "Oh. She was the one that cut me out of her life."

Me: "Do you blame her after what you did?"

XW: "I guess not." This was a response that I would have NEVER expected.

She then went on a slight tirade about how I broke her heart, how she is moving on with her career....blah blah blah.

I didn't really fight her and told her it really doesn't matter right now. She calmed down and we said goodbye.

About 15 minutes later, I get a text accussing me of breaking her heart, told me it would take too long to explain everything I did.....told me she has a good man that doesn't control her, judge her, try to change her....blah blah blah.

My response:

"Whatever."

Anyways, that is about it. I still stew over my XW from time to time, but right now, I have to concentrate on mom. I know she is going soon. I'm so so sad. I can tell myself in my head "mom is dying" a million times and still not believe it.

I know that I am going to die. Everyone is going to die. It is a part of life. Everyone dies. My parents are going to die. My dad will die. My mom will die...but for some reason I STILL thought she would be here forever.



Tad

[AJM]

I feel for ya Tad. It is heartbreaking to lose a loved one.

Very happy to hear that her church family came to her. That says a lot about them and what they are about. She is lucky indeed.

As for the rest? You're right, you don't have the time or energy to worry about the rest. In the scheme of things, it just is not important.

Focus my friend. You won't get this chance again and it's important to you all.

Peace,
AJ

[tadpole1025]

Very happy to hear that her church family came to her. That says a lot about them and what they are about.

Very true my friend. I also believe that it says a lot about her too.

As for the rest? You're right, you don't have the time or energy to worry about the rest.

Right as well. Anyways, I'm really starting to see how much of what she says really is garbage and how truly messed up she really is.

Update on mom:

She is still hanging on. We've thought that we were losing her a few times and she has perked up.

I'm torn. On one hand, I do not want her to go and on the other, I want her to be free of pain and to no longer suffer.

Tad

[AJM]

I'm torn. On one hand, I do not want her to go and on the other, I want her to be free of pain and to no longer suffer.

I get that. On my 14th birthday, my mom was diagnosed with leukimia. She went through he** for the next two years. That was back in the 80's when they didn't know much difference between leukimia and AIDS. They put patients on the same floor. She also didn't want her kids to see her taking drugs and was scared of becoming addicted to painkillers. She suffered a lot for her beliefs. It meant a lot and was truly a gift to see her go through that although that wasn't what I thought at the time. I learned a lot from my mother

When it was time for her to go, I had very mixed emotions. I was very sad, I missed her, I hated how it affected (and still does to some degree) my father, but I also didn't want her to suffer any longer. She hid it from me as much as she could, but I knew she was going through a lot. The mixed emotions were difficult, and I felt guilty for some of the feelings. I was glad she didn't have to suffer any longer. No matter how much I miss her, I would never want her to go through that another minute longer and would much rather she be happy on the other side with God.

As contrite as it sounds, it helped make me who I am today. She gave a lot for me and my sister. She set a high example of how she believed a parent should be even while suffering. Neither of us ever forget that.

I am sad for your loss, Tad.

Peace,
AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks friend.

I feel so bad for her. She wants to go home so bad. I think she wants to go there to die. I'd like for her to go home too, but know that it is much better for her where she is at.

Her breathing is slightly labored these days. She says she can almost feel the cancer growing inside of her and putting pressure on her lungs.

It really blows not being able to do a damn thing for her. I feel so helpless and hopeless.

I'm really all she has these days. There were three of us brothers. My younger brother committed suicide a few years back and my older brother is a drug addict and a compulsive gambler. He doesn't even really seem to care.

It seems like just yesterday that she told me that she was sick...

XW had always told me in the past that she would help me take care of mom and look after her when the time came.

Guess it's just me and time is getting short.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
Have you given any thought that when she says that she wants to go home that she doesn't mean her physical home? Many people who are near death speak of wanting to go home. My father spoke of going home a lot during his final 7 months on this earth. One day, it finally hit me...he's sitting right here in his home, but what he was referring to was heaven. That was home to him.

Listen to what she has to say and comfort her the best way you can. Her time is growing short and she needs to know that you are okay and that it's okay to let go.

I'm so sorry that you are having to face this pretty much alone. It's tough, but the many memories that you shared w/her will help you through this time.

My thoughts and prayers are w/you and your family.