wife hardends heart-3

[planet]

OM would then make some excuse to move into the guest room. He's done it before while I was away in an overseas trip few weeks ago. Something along the lines of needing a man around the house because there are just W, the kids and the domestic help.
I found out about this a few days later when I decided to have the second talk reaffirming my boundaries. That suddenly just came out.
I worry too about their safety because crime/break-ins is a big problem in my country. I don't want to make it sound like Malaysia is not safe but the reality is not. I have burglar alarm system and cctvs installed before moving into this house. A man is needed somehow.

[MrBond]

Have you talked to the OM recently and told him to back off? Right now that's the only thing I can think of you doing since you won't leave.

What have YOU been doing for yourself through all this?

[planet]

no more talking to him since the first confrontation.
he's not going to listen since he's convinced himself as the better choice. W is placing him as close friend. W is not stopping him from pursuing and did say it's not her fault he's like this. No guilt, no remorse of EA. An affair to her would only be physical.

I can't really leave, can I? It's not really a question of won't but how. How to make sure they are safe if i leave.

I have been GALling with a friend after work everyday. I make sure i come back with enough time to spend with my kids. Also spend some time working on my planned start-up.
I began to take my kids out without W on weekends. This W finds annoying but i took them anyway.
I do stuff for myself every weekend.

[MrBond]

Do you and your W talk to each other at home?

"he's not going to listen since he's convinced himself as the better choice."

I don't think you understand. This is not a competition to see who is the better choice. YOU are her H. YOU are the children's father. HE is trying to steal them away from you. Start being more assertive about it and stop encouraging your W from taking advantage of you.

I understand it's hard because you pretty much gave her everything. So let me put it another way. She has everything. What could you possibly offer her?

I would seriously consider leaving and making arrangements to have the children with you 50% of the time. You're not her bodyguard. If she wants the OM, maybe you should give him to her and see what he's really like.

[planet]

I tried to initiate small talks but she's not really interested and gives short replies. Gotten to a point that i don't know what to say to her anymore. She never tried to have a conversation with me.

MrBond
You are right, i don't understand. I am my children's father. I know that. I can't stop W from taking my kids out to meet up with OM and i don't even know when they have plans.
Another talk with OM?
Another talk with W?
Exposed OM's intentions to her family? OM is friends with W's sister.
Please indulge me. I'm in a fog too.

I will be clear on my finances with W. Took newman's advice on seeking another L. I suppose i'll do this one too.

I will seriously consider leaving. I know by staying my situation is not going to change much. A cheeseless tunnel so to speak by staying.

180
this crazy feeling I'm having. This morning I found that we didn't have much for breakfast so I went out to buy some bread and it didn't matter to me nobody noticed. The same thing happened days earlier. The thing is, I wouldn't be this thoughtful before and would have dig out some thing from the kitchen. I would not have thought about my kids not having something to eat!
I'm amazed. Who would have known? I'm pretty surprised with myself and I didn't do this on purpose. Just felt right doing it.
I've been generally nicer in my responses to my colleagues. Greeting people all around. It's crazy.
I kinda like myself now. I'm not sure if I can keep this up.
What is happening? Is this my consciousness reacting to my state of mind now? I don't feel happy though since BD and suddenly I'm acting out of character. Is my hormones acting up?
I so freaking confused right now.
How do I keep this up if I want to be the better 'me' right now? Do I need to be a little bit depressed all the time?
MrBond, I have read in one thread, you mentioned some techniques that could help to 'change' permanently. Or something to that effect.
Anyone can explain? Have anyone gone through similar changes?

MrBond. Please comment.

[newman7977]

Planet,

I agree with MrBond especially making arrangements that the children be with you 50%of the time.

IMO, it's not healthy for your Ds to see OM comes and go in your home while daddy is still in the house. You say OM will move in if you leave and you are concern of the crimes, etc...then the more you should fight for your children, they are better off with you at least 50% of the time.

How will you make this happen? If I were you, I'd retain a L. talk to a L about Supplementing the "unrestricted visitation" with a "schedule" that your children will stay with you 3 days of the weekday with alternating weekends.

If this is not possible then null and void the current D agreement, of course with the blessing of your L...let the L tell you more about this law:

"In Malaysia, if one doesn't show up in court in 6months after filling the joint divorce petition, the judge will consider the divorce null and void. Or the L could inform the judge of the change in mind."

OR, talk with your W and see if she will agree to your proposed "visitation schedule".

It's really concerning to me about your W's suicidal threats and tantrums, especially her breakdown when she couldn't comfort your D3. Take notes of these events. From what you post, I really question if she is really fit to care for your children full time.

Be prepared, I suspect your W will not agree to these proposals so it's better if you have a L that will talk to her L.

Take care,
Newman

[PatientMan]

no more talking to him since the first confrontation.
he's not going to listen since he's convinced himself as the better choice.

Make him listen.

-PM

[planet]

OM doesn't come over my house if I'm around since the last confrontation. The last time he's here and i was at home was by invitation from W to help out with something with W's sister and friend which was few days ago.

These few days W has been preparing meals for me. Yesterday we had a conversation about plumbing needs for the house. She paid to have the water filter changed which is quite expensive and asked for my opinion if we should have the water tank cleaned as well. My opinion???
All this niceties had me put on a cautious hat. Bad feeling something really upsetting is going to pop up.

[MrBond]

Yes clean the water tank.

How about slowly increasing the interaction between you and your W. I understand she isn't talking now, but don't let that discourage you. In my sitch, my W took 3 years before she even talked to me.

[planet]

what did you do then in all those 3 years?