Living in the Now(or how Ruby got her groove back)

[Valeska19]

Sorry Kate - but it's not a necessity. Convenient - yes..

but you could stay at a hotel.. and that's what you would have to do if you two were not on good terms as a separated couple.

Many people might think you are lucky that you two are on such good terms.. and to some extent I agree... but you learning how to lean on him in appropriate ways would be good for you.

When my X cut me out of her life... it was probably the most painful 1.5 yrs of my life. I was in a car accident, she did nothing. She cut me off financially I couldn't believe it.

But through that I learned how to take care of myself. It forced me to make the changes I need to make within myself. I also learned how to lean on folks in the right way.

Ultimately it's your decision and I'm not trying to push you to change your mind..

.. but I see you wanting to change your boundary and I have to ask why?

Is it truly a necessity? Or is it because there is something going on inside you?

Sometimes a boundary is more difficult for the person setting it than the person who needs to adhere to it.

Just want you to see another perspective.

[Positivespin]

I would assume that h ' s T is working on creating boundaries with his family then focusing on putting himself first. If this is correct then he just took a step forward - at your expense.

Are the two of you too entangled currently for him to take the journey of self discovery that allows him to realize just how much he loves and cherishes you. The old " absence makes the heart grow fonder"?

Lord knows you have grown so much and gotten stronger- what has he done other then jump to two women he doesn't seem to give a damn about other then being something different?

I think,right now, you are simply light years ahead of him.

[JuneReN]

I see it and I do recognize it. I could have stayed in a hotel, but not financially feasible.

When he was with MG, I would do anything to connect, including staying here, having coffee, etc etc. Now, I find that desperation gone and I don't know why, so yeah, something has changed inside.

I used to connect way more with H, but am sensing him drawing further away. The staying here is not about drawing him back either, I feel he has to let me go to actually miss me..make sense?

Staying here was a choice I made, for my car, for my school etc. I realize that if he wasn't here and I didn't have the choice, I wouldn't be here lol...but he is

Had my friends been back, I would have stayed there. I am trying to dissect it, but it comes down to just being tired and overbooked, I think.

Val, when you mentioned your accident, it actually hurt me when you said she did nothing. I am so so sorry. Makes me put into perspective my own crap.

[littleGTO]

Hi, Kate,

Understand about your choosing to stay at H's place in the city. Glad to know you are in a different place (in your head) when you are there and why you stay there.

You have some very deep and insightful thoughts about what is going on with you and your H. And, I think you are right that H needs to distance himself from you....maybe the path away from you is the only one to lead him back to you down the road. Make sense?

Sending good thoughts and prayers your way!

BTW- I agree with you about Val's sitch (accident & all)...also, when Tori had to put emergency contact info on a form recently and couldn't think of who to put.... so sad. Perspective is everything.

[JuneReN]

Good stuff to think about PS, Val and Turtle. You all give so much. The best thing about these boards is the fact that everyone has an opinion and if you can take it all in and think about things, you can't help but grow immensely.

I thought about Tori's emerg contact too. I wanted to say "Pick me!" I can fly out, drive out ,walk...lol

PS- yes this is at my expense for sure, but as I told H, I am in his corner. He had replied that when he told me about having to be selfish and work on him, that he wasn't asking my permission lol, and it wasn't me or anyone else involved in this decision.

I said I know, because then I wouldn't have the feelings I do, if I were driving the train. I purposely left unsaid the feelings are hurt and loss and sadness. But I have chosen this path and by letting those feelings come, but not letting them weigh, I am happier and more peaceful (Back to Tori's happiness/sadness and happy as she has been in a long time discussion )

H has said he always feels at peace when he is with me. This is something I have to be careful to continue, I think. Especially now. Perhaps he will seek it out, if we are apart for a bit. My hope is he can find it in himself.

[MrCAS]

Yes, the "In case of emergency" thing is a tough one. I know what it feels like. It is a pretty empty feeling when you have to put your mother down and she lives over a 1,000 miles away. Cripes, just having to use my mother's name stinks. Sheesh.

[JuneReN]

Are the two of you too entangled currently for him to take the journey of self discovery that allows him to realize just how much he loves and cherishes you. The old " absence makes the heart grow fonder"?

Yes. That is why I am in this "space" of discovery and letting go

[Valeska19]

Val, when you mentioned your accident, it actually hurt me when you said she did nothing. I am so so sorry. Makes me put into perspective my own crap.

I appreciate that. I've actually truly let it go and for the most part have forgiven her.

I thought that was hard - but that was the tip of the iceberg.

Now it's dealing with the instinct to want to protect myself and cut her off now that she is showing signs that she wants to participate in my life.

In some ways - I'll take the old life of her not being around anyday. And I NEVER thought I would say that.

Do what you need to do Kate. You have our support always.

((( )))

[JuneReN]

I hear ya Val .

And your advice always make me think...thank you

[RosaLinda]

Ruby "I think I am on the way to losing H for a while, maybe for always. This is a tough path and I can't imagine walking it with people who knew you as you were. It has to be easier to be the new you with someone new...yes?

Oh, this is hard to practice the letting go and the unconditional acceptance of this.

I used to connect way more with H, but am sensing him drawing further away. The staying here is not about drawing him back either, I feel he has to let me go to actually miss me..make sense?"

I don't think that by lovingly  letting H go find himself on his MLC  journey of self discovery, you will lose him forever Ruby. He obviously still loves you. He admits he loves and needs you more than anyone else's H here, except rH's. 

I agree that walking that path of discovery is probably a LOT easier with someone new than with someone who knows you inside and out. But because the MLCer can pretend to be anyone, can try on different attitudes and personalities with someone new. 

But I don't think that he has to let you go completely to miss you Ruby. I think they need to hang on to us, to keep us in their lives, while they are trying on these new personas with these OW. And when it is all over, part of the newness will be there, but they will return to us. If we let them. 

Ruby "When he was with MG, I would do anything to connect, including staying here, having coffee, etc etc. Now, I find that desperation gone and I don't know why, so yeah, something has changed inside."

"I said I know, because then I wouldn't have the feelings I do, if I were driving the train. I purposely left unsaid the feelings are hurt and loss and sadness. But I have chosen this path and by letting those feelings come, but not letting them weigh, I am happier and more peaceful"

It's uRw's cherishing him enough to lovingly let him go. It's US that changes, not them. I'm glad you feel some peace Ruby. I'm trying! Not quite there yet!

Ruby "H has said he always feels at peace when he is with me. This is something I have to be careful to continue, I think. Especially now. Perhaps he will seek it out, if we are apart for a bit. My hope is he can find it in himself."

You can do this by giving him space and validating him I think. You are already apart most of the time Ruby. I think that a boundary has to be for YOU. It's so much easier for you to stay at his apartment and not really possible at all right now. The boundary you gave yourself to not stay there anymore has to be for YOUR emotional protection and well being, so if it would be more stressful to stay elsewhere, give yourself permission to stay in the apartment. In my opinion anyway.