Questions without answers...answers with questions

[albamarie]

Hi all,

Your all right in saying I am to stay back, be cautious and let him win me back.

Winning me back is not on his agenda just yet. I really think I am still dealing w a person who is so depressed he doesn't know which way to turn.

He told someone the other day how much he hates himself, he want's to suffer. I stayed quiet as he said he didn't want to be here anymore, my thoughts were, here on earth H?

He's a hot mess and never going to get better w/o help and meds.

Days off are spent in despair, depressed and angry about what he can't have in life. Good days are spent talking about all the things he's going to do on days off to improve his life.

I am not on that cycle. Today he throw his sandwich down the stairs and said you don't understand my anger, D19 spat "I don't give a F***" when he realized she was even in the room at the time he started to clean up real quick.

So was the theatrics for me. He told her he wasn't talking to her, and I said well I think she summed it up real well.

I don't want this. As I continue to say he can leave today. When there is not H there what am I holding on to, I can hold a memory better when he's not here squashing it.

I have not concerns of loosing him as there is nothing left to loose, I grieved the loss a long time ago.

I provide him a safe, clean, loving environment, he is a creature of comfort, but he is trying to gnaw his own hands off at the thought of being here, literally. Eating everything in site, lazy, and then speaking one word sentences with a long face of despair.

Tomorrow he works a gig, and will be "turned on" until he slows down again.

I am doing a wonderful job at living my life, doing everything I love again and more. I have started cooking big meals again as the weather has broke, and am stashing away every extra dime.

Spent the day getting D19 ready for class, kissed the baby and made plans for tomorrow even. Today H's friend said H is truly a bless man, to bad for him.

He knows it he says, he just can't enjoy it!

Nero, I wish you could contact me when you feel you have something to say.

I am in a good position regardless of what he decides SailingAlone, and even if I am the one to decide.