Surviving Separation

[slow_it_down]

My due date is in a week and a half so S could really arrive at any time. I don't think H has any strong sense that he needs to see me before delivery... So I'm not holding my breathe. He's also been offering to do a bunch of favors lately which "sounds nice" but once again I'm not holding my breathe until he takes action.

I'll take it as a positive that he's feeling like he ought to help, but after he's back to being flaky again today I'm glad that I still don't feel lulled into thinking I can count on him for anything (at least not yet). I still get the sense that some of his behavior is contingent on something outside our relationship (like the status of things between him and OW) and his running hot or cold will continue to be unpredictable.

6 weeks, wow, I'm sure it feels like forever for you Confluences. Good for you keeping the communication strictly on business. Who knows what tomorrow will bring so stay strong. I've had many days of feeling hopeless like my H was gone forever only to have a complete change come about the next day. Too bad we don't have a crystal ball to tell us how long we have to wait in between those good days.

[Confluences]

It was not too hard to be very brief with her and it was the right way to handle the situation. It is what it is right now and maybe it's a phase that will improve and maybe not but there is time to sort it out.

You got a lot going on right now, so that is good that you're approaching things with the appropriate expectations. As challenging as my situation is right now, I feel really small compared to the amount of courage you are having to maintain during your journey right now and it is very admirable.

The crystal ball would be nice but I guess we just have to settle for faith in our beliefs, knowing that we are proactively trying to manage our emotions & reactions in the best possible manner. It's putting faith into action and not wandering around lost in the wilderness, which is what I did for 90 days prior to finding out about DB/DR and this forum.

[slow_it_down]

Ok, so maybe I don't know everything... And have some room to grow in the not making assumptions department.

I got a call (yes a real phone call) from my H today, not just a text, to explain why he didn't come yesterday as planned. His reason seemed like an excuse yesterday but after talking it sounds pretty legit that something came up. He also brought up lunch again and said "I just thought it would be good to get together once before you are in labor." So I guess lunch is back on for later in the week.

Part of me is happy he called and set my mind straight to what I thought was happening w/o him realizing that I thought he seemed flaky yesterday. The other part of me feels a little bit sad because it still feels like he's happy and content w/o me in his life. Like things are just "fine." Regular contact and the absence of malice/arguing is nice but feeling no signs of being missed continues to be hard to swallow.

[Confluences]

I would say that a call is not bad but it is like totally being thrown off your game after working under the guise of text messages & e-mail, where you feel vulnerable to saying something that you'll regret saying.

It would be weird to get a call from my waw right now. The hard part for you will be to "act as-if" you don't care either way about the situation when you meet him for lunch, which would be hard for me too. Just keep the expectation level down about lunch and maybe he'll surprise you there too.

[MileHigh]

My W and I have never been good on the phone. It's always awkward pauses and interrupting each other. :-/ So, for us, texting is the norm even when times are good. If she calls me, it's got to be an emergency.

At least texts and emails give us time to thing about our responses.

[slow_it_down]

It looks like I earned myself my first picture text from H since we separated! It wasn't of anything exciting, just something funny from work, but unexpected nonetheless. MileHigh I was having a very similar week to yours where my H proposed getting together and then went quiet. The fact that he texted me a picture first thing today and seemed chatty by text was nice after the silence. Whoever came up with the squirrel hesitantly coming out for the nut followed by getting spooked a few times in the process really nailed the experience of a spouse in the very early stages of coming around.

Unrelated, I'm enjoying a fringe perk of separation today by keeping the kids home while I work remotely from the house. Allowing them to make a complete disaster of the house while I work w/o me stressing about a spouse coming home to a big mess is certainly nice every now and again. And Lord can they make a mess...

My H asked about getting lunch again so as of now we are still on for meeting up tomorrow.

[Confluences]

Yeah sending a photo via text takes enough extra effort that shows he wants to do something more beyond a normal exchange. I would consider that a positive move. That is good that you're meeting again for lunch, let us know how that goes and stick to your game plan.

I had lunch yesterday with one of my best friends (his Wife is really good friends with my WAW) and he basically reiterated that they cannot believe how long we have gone without talking to each other. He told me again that most of her girlfriends are really not impressed with how she is handling the situation and think she should be making more of an effort to work things out. I think there's a certain amount of anger + some guilt that has to work itself out over time with her right now.

Slow, I thought this was your first kid that you're getting ready to have or do you have more?

Keep us posted

[slow_it_down]

Confluences, I have two kids from a previous relationship.

An update on today's lunch. I was pleased that my H went ahead and texted a time and place to meet first thing today so that I didn't have to wonder whether we were still on.

Lunch went well and lasted nearly 2 hours. We kept things light and I noticed he seemed to linger a bit bringing up new topics to chat about whenever there was a lull long after we had finished eating. He was in no hurry to end lunch that's for sure.

No R talk, just felt like catching up with an old friend. I feel much better going into the delivery room now that I've seen him in person for the first time in 3 months.

Lots of smiles during our conversation and he was quite talkative (he tends to be introverted). I dont feel like this meetup got my hopes up, things still feel pretty much the same, but I was really pleased at how at ease he was around me.

When I look back at notes/journals from a few months ago I had set myself a goal of not making things worse so that at the very least we'd be comfortable around one another come my due date. I'm proud of myself for reaching that goal. Whatever happens I think I did the best job possible since we separated in May and this continues to be in Gods hands to decide what comes next.

The only drawback to today's meetup was hearing about his plans to paint the babies room at his house this weekend and his plans to pick up a crib. It's like I know he has his own place and isn't coming back but hearing about plans like that give this sitch a feeling of permanence that I'm not used to facing/accepting.

[Confluences]

That's good that you kept the R talk out of the conversation for 2 hours. 3 months is a long time to go without seeing someone, I'm coming up on 2 months right now and it's surreal. I hate reading that last paragraph about feeling like the sitch is feeling permanent but hopefully that will evolve in a more positive direction with due time. I agree with you about having faith in keeping it in God's hands because my WAW's favorite saying for us was "God always takes care of us" and I still here her words in the back of my mind. Keep your spirits up and take solace in accomplishing your short-term goal of seeing him with the right mind-set.

[slow_it_down]

On to the next challenge! As I head into my last few days of being pregnant I'm wondering how the next few weeks will pan out. Some of my PMA and sanity saving life savers are being taken away while a whole new level of challenges lay ahead.

I'm no longer reporting to my office for work until after maternity leave.. After only a few days at home I can already see that finding ways to connect w/ other people (adults) is going to be priority #1 when baby and I are ready to leave the house. Maternity leave is lonely when u are on your own! Who knew I'd miss going in to work so quickly

Ironically, for at least the first two weeks after baby arrives my H and his mom will be spending a significant amount of time here at the house. I'll go from complete and utter independence/ alone time to having two very awkward people here 24/7 back to being alone again for the most part. Where is the chapter in DBing for how to handle that I wonder... I better start making a long list of small talk topics now, ha ha!

Also, in addition to losing the companionship of co workers to keep my sanity, I'm also losing the ability to get meaningful exercise. I'm hoping to be out walking soon after the baby, but right now my daily walks are the shot of energy, positivity I need. Me being up all night w/ a baby plus not being able to exercise for a little while could be a recipe for a moody disaster.

I feel like the next two weeks or so are like the finals for a big college course on DBing. Can I remain detached and act as if I'm fine on my own when I'm seeing my H daily? Can I remain somewhat cool and collected when I'm running on no sleep being up w/ baby? Can I avoid R talk w/ him and definitely avoid it with his mom? Oh boy, it will be interesting.

Throw in there the awkwardness of all of my family and friends stopping by to visit in the hospital. They've always been very courteous to my H through our issues but I know his level of discomfort will be off the chart. I will do what I can not to take it personally if he can't deal w/ it and leaves when people visit, but I'm just interested to see how it all plays out.

Wish me luck!