Re: The greeting cards. W saved them all. B-day, Anniversary, Holiday, Get Well, Just Things of You. After sitting out for a couple of weeks, she would put them in a trunk. Neither of us ever went back and looked at them, but I thought maybe we would one day in our retirement. Many were dated. All were signed with hearts and kisses.
A few weeks after bomb drop, W got in a cleaning mode and cleared out a bunch of stuff. Some went to charity, some, like the trunk of cards, to the trash. Yep, 30 years of memories carefully saved, tossed out in an instant. Have to get rid of the old life I suppose.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
How sad that she threw all of the cards in the trash. I'm certain that one day she will regret what she did, if she remembers I can picture it now, the two of you at 85 years old sitting in your rocking chairs on the front porch, reading each others cards. In my opinion, you have a better than 50/50 shot at doing just that only with the new cards that you'll be giving each other between now and then. I'm not giving up on you so you can't either!
I'm not sure if my h has every one of the cards that I gave to him but at least 2-3 years worth are in plain sight for not only me but him to see. I doubt he even notices them any longer. He dated everyone of the cards that he's given me and it's interesting to read the cards from the last 18 months. It was a slow but sure change. In several of them he even mentions "his journey" which I find absolutely fascinating. He knew and he was even telling me what the future would bring but I had no idea that his journey would also include a journey for me!
More to update but I've got an early day tomorrow and need some rest.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
While the cat's was away, the mouse continues to play.....
It's been an Interesting week. A bit confusing if I let myself think about it so I've tried my best to just let it all go. I haven't been posting any updates because I didn't think that anything that was noteworthy. Until Thursday and Friday's conversations.
It started with the BBQ on Sunday as I mentioned a few pages back. Then Monday the invitation to his house for dinner. Tuesday he worked very late but texted a few times and called when he left work saying he was on his way. What I didn't expect is that he'd come in but he said he had to send some work related emails. He spend nearly an hour here talking. He rehashed the Sunday BBQ with our daughter and again seemed to be very relaxed and casual about everything. It was nearly 10pm by the time he left.
Wednesday I received several calls and texts again one of which h asked me to go out to dinner. I declined but told him that maybe we could do that later in the week. He stopped in on his way home again in the early afternoon but I rushed him out telling him that I had somewhere to go. Later, around 8pm he calls and asks me what I'm doing. He asked me to come over. Apparently he had purchased one of those patio heaters and wanted company???? He had candles burning, champagne (as if we were celebrating something) the heater going and even a little throw blanket sitting on my chair in case I got cold. Again he was calm and relaxed and it seemed like old times. It was all very confusing to me. I only stayed for about an hour but did have a nice time talking about whatever he wanted to talk about. Nothing was said about us or the ow, just casual chat. I kept getting the feeling that he was trying to convince me to like the new house. He kept comparing the two houses and their good and bad points.
Thursday, I was running errands when h called. I waited until I had finished and called him back. We talked for about 1/2 an hour. Most of it was a conv. about finances and our future. He thanked me for setting up all of the financial investments that I set up so long ago for us and how doing that has worked to secure our future. He told me how much money he's saved and invested in his 401K since returning to work, assuming that I haven't been looking at our finances. Silly man!!! It was almost as if the ow didn't exist. He talked about how he was going to attempt to work until he was old enough to earn the maximum benefit with SS and had checked out different ways to take it when we were ready so that we'd both get the maximum possible. Then he said that he wasn't sure that he really could make it that long. He was talking in the same way that he did before the nightmare started. I am leery of believing a word of that conversation but it was interesting. It could also just be lip service to throw me off from whatever he's planning to do next. He asked me to meet him for dinner then followed that with but you probably have a hot date tonight. I laughed and told him that I was having dinner in the city so I wasn't sure when I'd be back. He let it go without asking with who.
Friday he called at 9am asking me if I would meet him for breakfast. I declined but told him to check with me later for lunch. He did and we had lunch, did a few errands, shopping and then picked up our daughter from work. The only mention of the ow was when he said that she was supposed to be away for just 3 or 4 days. That she keep delaying her return due to "business" but was looking forward to coming back. I think it's been a week and a half now since she left. In the late afternoon he called and asked me if he could come over and if I could make Martini's for us. It's what he always liked to drink on Friday afternoons. I said sure come on by but then looked for the Vodka and realized that he had taken it. I texted him and told him to bring the Vodka if he wanted a Martini otherwise I had other things that we could have. He showed up without the Vodka confused as to why I didn't have any. HA! Cause you took it bud!!!! No, I didn't say it out loud. It was a pretty good sized bottle of G.G so he must be drinking a lot! More casual talk about work but there wasn't much else to talk about other than some neighborhood gossip. It's hard to carry on a conversation with an mlcer when you don't think you have a future with them. The usual conversations about vacation planning, upcoming long weekends etc just can't happen!
At times during the conversations he had a softer tone in his voice. Can't explain it but it's very different than his usual tone.
Not expecting anything from him as I think it's too soon for any real progress. He is testing waters or maybe this is how they are when they take a peek into the light of day. Or is this the "nice" before the next BD? Time will tell. It's too late for popcorn but I'm going to make a big batch tomorrow and wait for the parade.
Almost forgot, kml.....I planted the earring!!!! I just hope he doesn't find it before she comes back. He might even figure it out. I found one in my jewelry box that my daughter lost the match to years ago so I don't think he'll recognize it.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
NLT, You are doing great! You've handled each and every conversation and visit very well. I think he was not only testing the waters, but checking your pulse to see where you are at. He's still trying to figure out if you are seeing someone. It's really bugging him because he keeps bringing up in different ways. I do love the way you responded to his comment about it. I like the fact that you didn't always jump on his invitations but worked around them for later times, etc.
I have to wonder how he'll be once the ow returns. Could he have been lonesome and wanted company? Time will tell once she returns as to where his heart is. I do hope that he doesn't discover the earring before the ow returns. I would love for her to find it and get her panties in a wad for a change.
I'm sure you'll have another parade marching down your street again one day. The parades tend to get more interesting as time moves along...hopefully your parade will be a small one and not much fanfare.
NLT, you are doing great! Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
lmost forgot, kml.....I planted the earring!!!! I just hope he doesn't find it before she comes back. He might even figure it out. I found one in my jewelry box that my daughter lost the match to years ago so I don't think he'll recognize it.
Excellent!
I love how he keeps referring to you dating, and you keep mysteriously avoiding the topic while letting him know you're busy.
It's driving him crazy, thinking you might not be available as his "Plan B". And he's starting to wonder what he's doing.
Next time he calls, you might ask him if his "girlfriend" knows he is spending this much time with you?
Thanks for the confidence boost! I'm with you, he's testing the waters and watching my responses very closely. He wants to know that he can do as he pleases and that I'm not "telling him what to do". That's been one of his many mantras through his journey.....NO ONE is going to tell me what to do. And then there's the thought that he still wants me to be plan B.
I really am busy most days. Busier than I like but it does have it's advantages. No time to think, no time to worry and I'm doing what I want and need to do. I've met more friends for lunch and dinner over the past few months than I have in a years time. Volunteering 2 days a week, checking in on my daughter at least once a day to be sure everything is going well with her and then taking care of the house is a full time job.
I thought about the earring. He may very well think that it's hers. I hope she finds it and maybe she already has. I believe that she must have returned on Sunday. It's been very quiet since then. Even considering that they haven't seen each other for nearly two weeks it's unusual for him not to send me a text or email or even call for this many days. He either hasn't gone to work or is working at home or something else is up.
I know that he doesn't like to be alone for too long although he's not a needy person or at least he wasn't before. He use to be able to take care of himself yet would call and tell me to "get home as soon as you can, I miss you" the times that I was gone for more than a few days. So I do think that loneliness may have something to do with his constant contact with me while the ow was away.
As you say time will tell and I hope you're right that the next parade will be a small one.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Thanks Sailing. There are moments when I don't feel like I'm doing the right thing or enough but no expectations is pretty easy for me now. It helps to minimize the frustration, anger and emotional melt downs. Listening to and reading the advice from the "old-timers" on here and those that have been here for longer than I have has made a big difference on how I approach this. I do have to keep telling myself that things will happen on HIS timeline, not mine. Also reminding myself daily that the ow is just another symptom of MLC just as anger, depression, confusion and a host of other behaviors are part of the journey helps me from focusing on her and the betrayal that I felt in the beginning.
You seem to be doing pretty well yourself, S.A. From what I've read on your thread, your w is doing some pretty serious work on herself since moving home. I haven't read your early threads but I do read yours when I get on the forum here, just haven't posted. Thanks for stopping by here and nice to meet you!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
kml, you are a terror! So many devious thoughts and ideas. If I asked him if his gf knew that he was spending so much time with me, he'd be speechless for a few seconds then tell me that she doesn't need to know. When I helped him finish up one of the many projects that she left unfinished when she left the first time she took off and went home, he asked me not to tell her that I helped him. Yeah right, like I'm going to call her and tell her that I helped him clean up one of her half finished messes. What is he thinking?
His response to my comment on putting the ow on his health insurance through work made about as much sense as me calling her. When I asked him why he would risk losing his job and getting himself into some serious trouble for defrauding the insurance company, he said it was only in case of an emergency. The added that as soon as ow's h started his job that she'd be covered again under his policy. He knows that the insurance company isn't going care WHY. Just another symptom of mlc....stupidity.
You know, I should have set up a nanny cam the last time I was over there....it would be much more exciting than guessing how the conversation went when she found the earring. Although, he will confront me if he even suspects that I planted it.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I can picture it now, the two of you at 85 years old sitting in your rocking chairs on the front porch, reading each others cards. In my opinion, you have a better than 50/50 shot at doing just that only with the new cards that you'll be giving each other between now and then. I'm not giving up on you so you can't either! 