Husband Threatened to Leave, Don't know what to do

[Lll54]

Things have been going ok. We had another big R talk and he said he has been doing a lot of reflecting lately. And has a few realizations that were naming him unhappy and he hasn't been following them he last few weeks and feels happier. He re-instated our marriage isn't at 100% cause he still has a lot of anger and resentment towards me. How do I help him get over that? I feel like I'm doing whatever I can and have made such a good change and we are doing great that way. But he still seems "distant" and he told me he has nothing to hide and that he anything he may be doing differently lately has nothing to do with me but to do with him wanting to be happy.

I can tell he is trying and I'm trying and for the most part is feels good. But he is definitely inventions new social like that doesn't include me but includes some young single guys from work. He told me they are easy to hang out with cause they are always available to hang out with.

I trust him. He definitely tells me everything they do in a night but not see by this need for sudden outings. It's not like him. Or maybe it is and he has been faking all thes years to make me happy....

[TrentC]

He re-instated our marriage isn't at 100% cause he still has a lot of anger and resentment towards me. How do I help him get over that?

You don't. As has been stated numerous times, you can't fix and him it's not your job to try. (More to the point, stick to your changes. Only time can heal those kinds of wounds.)

I can tell he is trying and I'm trying and for the most part is feels good. But he is definitely inventions new social like that doesn't include me but includes some young single guys from work. He told me they are easy to hang out with cause they are always available to hang out with.

He likes hanging around younger guys that he has very little in common with and staying out till all hours of the night? To me, this seems like a huge red flag.

I trust him. He definitely tells me everything they do in a night but not see by this need for sudden outings.

Because people who are cheating on their spouses never, ever lie when confronted.

I almost wonder if he isn't going through some kind of midlife crisis? This is starting to sound awfully familiar. Bizarre mood swings, anger, depression, drastic changes in behavior, uncertainty about life choices, hanging out/identifying with younger people...

[SoLostandAlone]

My H also started going out with friends - which he has never wanted to do because he is not a social person - for all hours of the night. I know drinking is involved, so I simply ask if he can at least text me on his way home so I know he is safe or to let me know if he needs a ride at the end of the night. That is apparently asking too much since he doesn't. Makes up reasons why he has to leave the house. To go back to work, to let someone's dog out, to give a friend with a broke down car a jump. Yeah. He must think I'm a complete moron. And since he's already decided we're getting a divorce, there isn't anything I can do about it but bide my time until our bankruptcy hearing in October and then give him what he wants - me gone - 1300 miles away to live with my sister and her family. Nowhere near him or our kids. Thanks for ruining my life.

[SoLostandAlone]

I'm so sorry for what your going through. If H gets his way - D - then I assume I will feel worse than I already do. And since I feel like the man I married died and has been replaced with this new version of himself, I don't see how much worse this could feel.

[MrBond]

"How do I help him get over that?"

You can't. HOWEVER, you can push a little and ask him what he is still resentful of and just listen and validate. AFter he talks, go and give him a hug and tell him you understand.

[Lll54]

You can't. HOWEVER, you can push a little and ask him what he is still resentful of and just listen and validate. AFter he talks, go and give him a hug and tell him you understand.

Yes. I did that....he seemed to respond well to it. Just said its gonna take time. We had a night out last night for my friends birthday. He was very social and affectionate towards me. We left and finished a mini date night by seeing a movie. He held my hand the whole time. Made me blush as we never hold hands at the theatre.... Then we came home and completed our date...great day.

I feel time is all I can give him. Seems to be helping. We also had a family date with one of his friends and his family. We went to a ball game. It was great. And he initiated and set the while thing up.

We have been intimate quite a lot lately as this is one of my permanent changes I have made. He still does crack the occasional comment...."still trying to get used to this new wife of mine!" or "why did this take you 7 years..." I don't ever have a lighthearted answer so I just tell him to get used to it.

[Lll54]

Oh and he has been sleeping good lately too! Full nights sleep and hasn't been moody since Saturday so that's a nice change...his days off with us seems to make him happier. He did tell me he has a new way of thinking moving forward. He wants to make me happy but at the same time not at the expense of making himself unhappy. For example, when he goes out he said in the last he has felt like at a certain time he needs to come home. Csuse that's what married men do. He has realized that that doesn't make sense. If he is having fun there is nothing wrong with staying out. He stills contacts me through the night and let's me know where he is and when he thinks he will be home so that's all that matters according to him. He does do this...I always get a 2 am text saying where he is and when he thinks he will be home. Even since this has started. He has been very respectful of my feelings. I understand what he is saying. Cause when I am out and having fun I don't think it makes sense to leave at a certain time especially when you H is at home sleeping! So he just explained to me that he doesn't want to do things in his life cause society makes it out to be right or wrong. He wants to do things according to what makes us happy with who we are and want to do. He said he is tired of changing who he is and acting certain ways cause he is married. He just wants to be himself and be the married man he wants to be and that I want him to be.

We seem to be making progress. Time seems to be on my side. And he is appreciating my changes and in turn seems to be respecting me more...

[MrBond]

"So he just explained to me that he doesn't want to do things in his life cause society makes it out to be right or wrong."

I'm sorry but this is just idiotic thinking in my opinion. It's not "society". It's his own morals and ethics. For example, if he thinks he can go out and have fun and stay out for days without letting you know, then that's him being an @$$ and not because of "society". I would watch out for this type of thinking on his part.

[TrentC]

I'm with MrBond.

If he really believes that he has a right to do whatever he wants, society be damned, that's pretty much the dictionary definition of antisocial personality disorder—in other words, one of the hallmarks of being a sociopath.

This is all starting to sound like classic midlife crisis. How old is your husband again?

[TrentC]

He did tell me he has a new way of thinking moving forward. He wants to make me happy but at the same time not at the expense of making himself unhappy.

This is not necessarily a bad thing; putting your partner ahead of yourself in all things is a good example of codependant behavior.

So he just explained to me that he doesn't want to do things in his life cause society makes it out to be right or wrong. He wants to do things according to what makes us happy with who we are and want to do. He said he is tired of changing who he is and acting certain ways cause he is married. He just wants to be himself and be the married man he wants to be and that I want him to be.

But this, on the other hand, is very immature. When you get married, you DO agree to give up some "freedom" in exchange for the emotional and physical security of being in a committed relationship.

Like it or not, you two ARE accountable to each other—and especially so since you are the parents of three children. What about THEIR needs? Maybe they want a dad who will be home and spend time with them when THEY need it?

He gets you to make the changes that he says he needs in the relationship, but then he's decided that "society is bogus, maaaaan" and that he needs to be free to live as he really wants? WTF is that about!?

Your husband needs to suck it up and put on his big boy pants. He got you all riled up and terrified that you're going to leave, but then he kinda maybe decides that he's going to stay; but he is going to hang out with young, unmarried guys at all hours of the night, leaving you by yourself with his kids. And he is sure that you're afraid to push the issue because then he'll pull the trigger and walk out.

Maybe the next time he tries that, you should surprise him and say "I can't keep you from leaving" and let him walk out. His dreams of being a carefree bachelor will come crashing down when a divorce court orders him to pay child support for HIS THREE KIDS.