Things starting in right direction, NEED TIPS!

[cruiserrg]

Cathy,

Thanks so much for the replies. It helps to hear others in the same boat. I am trying to do the same thing by detaching from the sitch. Wow its amazing to hear someone say once a week is trouble, when for my W it has been 3 times + a week.

I too am worried about the driving. I think she is too, because she was in a really bad DUI accident a few years before I met her. She nearly killed her two best friends and I know she still feels bad about it. One of her friends says she still apologizes every time they talk.

When she comes home she doesn't seem drunk. I think she stays out later to melow out and sober up a bit before returning home. I worry about it, but I am glad she is coming home now and not crashing a different places.

I has been coming up in conversations a bit the last few days. She is the one to bring it up as I tend not to approach it. Of course she says "she doesn't have a problem" or "She's english and can drink a lot." "She's a social drinker and drinks slowly." I know she feels uncomfortable about it, because she hasn't ever seen me drunk. I maybe get that way once a year if that, and if I do drink I am really responsible about the driving aspect and I really don't like to be drunk.

She told me last night she likes the feeling because it takes her edge off. She told me I don't have an edge to deal with. Of course thats not true as I have an edge dealing with the sitch, but I look to other places to release the tension.

I did tell her last night that I would feel better if she felt the need to get drunk to have me along. (At least then I can keep her safe). I am taking this slow and not doing anything to confront her about it.

Thank you very much for the input and support. I do know this will come to a head at some point down the road, I just hope I can be there for her when it does. I also pray she come to me for help before she does hit rock bottom with this.

[cruiserrg]

Update for Today,

Last night went well. My W had C individually that was a bit before our MC. She asked me to ride together with her which was good. As she was in C, I talked with our MC alone. I basically brought him up to speed on our sitch, and he says its going really well. We did talk about the drinking some, but we both feel its not the time to approach and hopefully she will confide in her C and she can help.

MC and I then went down to meet my W to finish the session. It was obvious that my W had been crying, probably for her whole session. I comforted her, and MC asked if there was anything we wanted to talk about fo rthe last 15 min of session. My W didn't, and I decided not to as well. MC left us alone, and I comforted my W with a big hug, as she cried on my shoulder. She told me she was scared, and I said I know because I am too. I said we will get through this together, and she nodded. After she cried a bit, she composed herself and we got up to leave. I gave her a hug again and she held on for a long time. She then kissed me and said ILY and I said IYL2.

We then headed into town and went to VS to get her new undergarments. It was a great time and she tried on a lot of sutff and showed me in the dressing room. We must have been there for an hour or so and I bought her lots of nice stuff for her, which I of course get to enjoy too!

We then went out to eat and had good conversation. She talked more about her C and said she is basically scared of everything. I asked if she was scared about us, and she said yes. I told her I understood, and I was scared about us to. I said I don't feel as scared as before as things are really going well for us right now, and she agreed. I said the time we spend together is great and is really helping, and she agreed to that as well.

She also talked about her MS stuff a bit and she feels overwhelmed by running her support group. I listened, and empathized. I told her if she needed help to feel free to come to me. I also said I was hoping we could go to the support group together. She said she understood, as I have MS too because she does (not literally, but it was good for her to acknowledge it affects me as well).

There was a lot of other conversation, and some of the drinking stuff is above. Its going well and she wanted me to stay with her in her hotel everyday she is in training. She even said she is going to have a fashion show with her new sexy stuff we bought and even ML!

I hope everyone's sitch are going as well, there is still a lot of work here, and I still have fears about her (especially the drinking and how that will affect our M going forward). And I'll end with 2 very interesting things:
1). She came into my office to talk and noticed I was on here. I was reading other post that I was repling to in newcommmers. It has quoted things I said and the reply for the thread's originators. She asked about which was what I said and I told her. I didn't hide anything. She read something specific I worte about feeling she came home beacuse of being uncomfortable in her living sitch. She asked me if I knew that wasn't the only reason. I asked why what were your other reasons. She replied "I wanted to be home with you and the cats, because I love you". I thanked her and gave her a kiss.
2). She then also saw my audio CDs for "What women want men to know", and asked about them. I said I got them because someone on here suggested that we listen to them together. She was intruiged and suggested that we do so. This made me feel good as well.

Marc, thanks for the reply as well I tend to like to relax at home because I travel a lot for work. Its how I unwind. I am getting fairly good at detaching were I just go on with my own thing when she skips out. I don't get angry because like Cathy mentioned it about her. And she knows this and I feel thats why she always says she feel terrible when she does get home. I'll check your thread out in a bit.

[marc_d]

Reuben,
Just got up to date on your new happenings and Im very happy for you. I am very hopeful for you and Im sure you and yours will be together always. She really seems to love you a lot. Your doing great! Such an inspiration for the rest of us!

[stopping_the_cycle]

Cruiser-

I haven't visited for awhile, but it sounds like things are going well. I am happy for you, a little jelous, but still happy.

My dad is a recovering Alcholic and I can empathize with the drinking thing. Don't push too hard and have her run for the hills. I know you want to keep her safe, but you can't control it. I know that sounded kind of bad, but I mean this in the kindest way possible.

Thanks for your kind words on my thread, I really appreciated them. I have been kind of avoiding the BB because I really don't feel like I have much advice to give.

Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and catch up.

Oh yeah, when H finaly gets his act together would you mind giving him the VS idea?

One last question...What is the Retrouville(sp) you were speaking of?

[cruiserrg]

Rachelle,

Thank you so much for stopping by, you always have good advice for me so stop by often.

I hear you on not pushing too hard on the alcohol. I have good training in this from DBing, NO PRESSURE. I just worry, and I let her know how I feel with judging. She is brining it up more than I am. Maybe its a sign of her trying to sort it out.

Retrouvaille is a marriage building weekend with several meetings afterward. You can check it out at www.retrouvaille.org
Basically couples who have reconciled their marriages run the seminar on things to help you work together. It also involves a priest. I am excited about it and like the fact that you don't discuss your trouble in a group setting, they give you and your spouse time alone to discuss things after each presentation. I'll know more once we go through it. It is a Catholic program but is open to anyone, and I believe they try to keep it ecumenical.

As far as the VS idea, when the time is right, bring him with to help you pick something out. Cool thing is when you get their CC, they send a "sexier by the month" booklet with discounts each month. I told my W we could go get something for her each month, as long as we also get a sexy something for at night.

Update for today: I went to Madison to be with my W since she is staying in a hotel for her training. She said it was lonely and she didn't sleep well alone. I offered to come up each night she was there.

We had a nice dinner, and great conversation during. I said it was great when we spent time together. She agreed, but said she does need time with her friends. I said I don't want to keep her from her friends, I just want her to let me know whats going on and try to include me once and a while. She said friends are important and I should do more with my friends. I said well the way I approach that is that I value our time together the most, I plan things if I know you are doing something. I said this is just me but I prioritize things: God, Me, You, Family, Friends, and everything else. I said that friends come and go, and even does family at time, but we are forever. I give you priority above all of them because of this. I said I don't want my grave stone to read "he was a good worker or good Friend, I said I want it to read He was a wonderful and loving husband". I said I will be there for you always and that is why I prioritize being with you first.

She said that was deep, and I said that I am a deep person and want to share that with you. We then went back to the hotel. I went to the front desk for more towels and came back to my W in her new lingerie. We were affectionate to a while which lead to ML I was so nice, and we then fell asleep together in each others arms.

Things go really good when we are together. I hope this continues to grow more and more.

[TKKC1]

Reuben, Congratulations on your progress!! A great thread that helps boost PMA! Would you be so kind as to take a look at my sitch and provide some guidance? I deeply appreciate it.
TKKC!


http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=654370&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1

[cruiserrg]

Todays Update,

Well I went up again Wed night to spend the night with W in her hotel to keep her company. We had a good time at dinner and just relaxing at night.

In the morning we somehow got on the discussion on ML, and W said she still has things to work through, and there was a reason she stayed away from home. I said I understood. She said thats why she is still going to individual C.

A while after the conversation, I said I needed a hug (the comments before just got me thinking and brought me right back to the past when she was gone). She snuggled up to me since we were in bed ans gave me a hug. She asked if she said something that upset me (in MC we talked about sharing more when we need support from each other). I told her that the comment about there was a reason she left just got me thinking about the past, I wasn't upset just needed a hug. She hugged me tighter and told me she loved me, and I said ILY2. I said I just want us to be together, and she said she wants that too. It was really positive to have her reassure me like that.

I helped her load up from the hotel, and we went our seperate ways. She said she didn't know when she would be home last night. I asked if she would call me so I would know if I could expect her for dinner.

She actually called me at six and said that she was going out with a friend and to have dinner on my own. I asked when she thought she would be home, and she said around 9.

She actually called me, which is a big positive, and she actually came home when she said, again a big positive. We has nice conversation and watched a TV show we liked together. I did tell her I really appreciated that she called me and came home before I went to bed.

Really good positive steps, and by her calling me I didn't worry about her and it wasn't on my mind all night. Its this one little thing that helps me be OK with her being out alone.

We do have plans for dinner with a friend tonight and to do shopping. And we have tickets for a concert tomorrow night. So it should be a good weekend.

[cruiserrg]

Update:

Yesterday was very interesting to say the least and actually somewhat difficult.

First W, and I went to luch at a place a GF of hers works that I have never met but W has been spending a lot of time with. It was strange because we sat at the bar for our table and W had a beer at lunch and the 3 people at the bar my W met at another bar. It was kinda wierd because my W didn't introduce me for sometime and when she did she didn't mention I was her husband (I hate this). She was sharing pictures with them from the bar they met at, which of course I have never been since my W had gone alone.

During luch we sat in her GF booth amd we got to meet. W never really introduced me, so I introduced myself. Luch was good, and we actually met another waitress that has MS and was having a bad day. W and I spoke with her and listened to her troubles, and we exchanged numbers and said we would have to go out to dinner with her family sometime. It was good and even gave me a chance to help by saying if her H wanted to talk about her MS with me he could call. I think W may have liked it. Plus they are M and I feel its good for us to go out with M couples rather than all her new single friends.

Then my W GF got of work and they wanted to hang together. They were thinking of where to go, and I suggested hangin out at our house. I think W was suprised but jumped at the suggestion and they came back here for a bit. W showed her GF all the new stuff I got her for V-day which was nice.

Then they left and W said she would be back by 4:30 to go meet her other friend for dinner. Well W didn't get back here until 5:00 and kept me waiting, and her GF waiting at the place we were going to meet. I didn't really say much about it, but W made me call and talk with GF to tell her when we would be there.

Dinner was great with my W, her GF, and I. Her GF and I actually talked a ton about her difficulties with her boyfirend. She was describing classic WA syndrom and was already close to leaving. She asked me specifically how I dealt with all of our sitch and to give her insight into her own sitch. We talk a long time, with my W mainly listening and giving input a few times.

There was one point where her GF and I we talking and I was explaining the difficulties I had gone through and what it took to get back, and I was tearing up a bit and so was she. We seemed to have a really good conversation and connection going.

One other interesting thing was her GF mentioned something I said that sounded cold. She was reffering to how I explained that "I had to change myself to be a better person and husband, and concluded that my W was the only one wh could chose between being with the new me or seeing me share that with someone else." I said "I know I want to be married, and I need someone improtant in my life, but my W had to make the choice if she wanted it to be her or someone else". When the GF said that it sounded could I said I could understand that, but I guess its about my fears. My W and GF inquired more about my fear, and I said I don't know if you (W) want me to share or I feel comfortable. She asked for me to explain. I said my main fear right now is that I will go long enough without my needs being met by my W that I may be the one to give up and Walk Away. I said I fear that, but I hope that I will be able to talk with my W about it before I do. I said I don't think you understand this (directed at my W).

There was a lot of conversation about both the GFs and My sitch. It was sureal because it was like we were having the conversation and my W was listening in as a third party hearing some of my deepest feelings and advice I would give people here, and how I worked hard to change myself and how I fought for my M. It felt good to talk about, but I was uneasy with my W hearing all of it.

The other really strange thing that night was my W guy F stopped in (he's the one she stayed with while sep). He came over and sat down and we all introduced ourselves. He needed to talk with me and explain some things (I think just to make himself feel better about the whole thing). I did thank him for giving my W somewhere to stay (Man this was hard). He said he wanted to get together with me and just talk, maybe go out and have a few drinks. I said yeah we could do that and to give me a call. I think it was good, but it just was a bit unsettling to me. I do want to talk with him one on one. Not to be mean or anything, but maybe to get insight into what was going on. We'll see how that goes.

Later in the night I brushed the snow off my W's and GF cars, and even checked out her GF car for her (had been running rough earlier). Warmed them up in the WI snowfall while my W and her talked more in the resturant.

W and I then went shopping and had a good time there. When we got home W and I talked a bit about the conversation and W opened up to me a lot. She said she was scared to. I assured her together we could work this out and she agreed. She did say at one point that "I don't love myself, and there I said it". I gave her a hug, and when we went inside I hugged her again and she cried on my shoulder. I told her how much I loved her, and hoped it would be enough to help her love herself more.

I am not sure exactly what to make of the whole night. I know I have been uneasy and emotionally drained ever since. Plus it didn't help my W said a thing or too that were triggers to some pain. My W easily saw this, and inquired about what was wrong and even helped me by hugging me.

We are becoming more and more open, I just worry about how the conversation and things that happened last night will affect her and me. I mean, the things her GF was wanting her BF to do were the exact things I look for and need. I was almost angry because I give my W an abundance of those needs, and she doesn't respond. Almost makes me wish I was M to her GF and not my W. I know this is temporary as my W (hopefully) will be reciprocating more of what I need, but things like this make this struggle even more confussing.

Any help, advice or analysis would be great. I practically opened up everything I had inside last night to her GF and my W heard most of it. My W did comment about how she liked to listen to me talk about it, but I still am nervious about what she really thinks and feels.

[PJS]

Reuben,

Just stopping by.

The whole deal w/ GF would have been just too weird for me.

I would NOT talk to your W's former room mate. My W would view it as snooping. I think if my W talked with the firends I've been hanging out with while we have been sep I would probably consider it snooping too; but there is nothing on my side to hide.

Reuben, you are doing good. I'll say a prayer for you for continued success.

Unfortunately, my sitch cannot be saved by me. I've detached and moved on in everyway except for dating. I still love W and her sons but it is definitely different. Forgivness is complete, trust must be earned.

Keep doing what you are doing. I wouldn't be surprised if your W withdraws some after digesting what she heard. It would probably be temporary. Do not despair if that happens.

Take Care and God Bless,

Patrick

[cruiserrg]

Patrick,

Thanks for stopping by.

I don't know what to do with the Guy Friend she was rooming with. My W seems to indicate that it may be a good thing and that she wants me too. I will give this some more thought and prayer to see if God will give me direction. Maybe I need to ask my W is she wants me to and if she would feel it is snooping (which I know it would seem that way). Maybe if she wants me to I may suggest her coming along, but then again that might be tramatic.

You are right Patrick the talk with her GF was just too wierd. I got the feeling that she admired what I have been doing and needed to know how I did it. I think she was even seeking so good advice on it that she knew my W could really give because of her being a WAW.

The other wierd thing, is it seems like I am the one withdrawing, not my W. She seems to go on her happy way without a second thought, maybe that will change in a few days.

I completely understand about the trust being earned. I am struggling with that myself. I like you have come to forgiveness, but I can't do anything with the trust. My W is getting a little better at doing things to help me trust her, but I also feel sometimes she is testing me as well.

I fear though that she will continue with her ways that don't build trust in me. Like going out alone, and making new single male friends. I just don't believe someone who respects their M and Spouse does those things. And I know that she would not approve if the tables were turned. Part of me just wants to give her a taste of the crap she gives me. I hope I can fight those urges and she changes some of her ways as well.