Things starting in right direction, NEED TIPS!

[cruiserrg]

Water, Thanks so much for the reply. I do have to keep in mind she needs to ween off of it. I guess my fears keep me from seeing this all of the time.

T2, I really appreciate this insight. I see this in my W especially using it as an alibi. This gave me a lot to think about, but I don't think I am going to address yet. I am going to talk with my MC about it individually first, as Monday my W double booked counseling and I will have 1/2 with MC by myself before W joins us.

FeelSoLost, I now how you feel. I couldn't read piecing when I was in newcomers because I didn't see much hope. I know my complaints and frustrations must drive you and others crazy. I do know things are going in a great direction, but even when you get to this place there are still things to deal with. But its good because your DBing for the R and not just to get your Spouse back.

Update for today:

Valentines day was good and was also our 5 year anniversary. We had a nice breakfast together and we were nice and affectionate with each other. What amazes me through all of this is that we talk much easier with each other. Maybe its just us avoiding the difficult stuff, who knows but its good.

We opened gifts in the afternoon. She got me some nice drawing stuff. I really appreciate it because she said she wants us to draw TOGETHER! I don't know how she read my mind but I have been thinking about this.

She opened her card and two gifts. She was really touched by my card and what I wrote. Then she opened her V-day gift which was two Orange County Chopper tank tops, and OCC undies. She loved them and has been wanting some for a long time. Then she open her Anniversary Gift which was a antique oriental jewelry box. She love this also, and got teary eyed, and so did I. She went right away to put her jewelry in it. Then she tried on her tanks and undies to see if they fit. We were hugging and kissing and flirting with each other when she says to me "wanna have a quickie".

I was so surprised. I of course said yes. In my mind I didn't want a quickie, but didn't say anything. Well we ML for a long time. It was wonderful and we both talked about how much we missed it. Our sex life has been one of the best things in our past R, and now I feel like its going to be the icing on the cake as we reconnect. The look in her eyes while ML really made me feel so connected with her again.

We then went to dinner (nearly missing our reservation because of the recreations). I took her to our favorite restaurant.

The really hard thing for me was on the way to dinner we pasted the restaurant where her GF works. My W said that her GF wanted to go out after work with her and was thinking of going. My heart just sank. I told her that is I would be disappointed and hurt if she did. She was like whats the big deal. I then said its not like every day is our 5 year wedding anniversary and we also had talked about watching a movie together later. She replied with well we will have many more anniversaries (I did take this as a good sign, but didn't help my feelings). I then asked how she would feel if I said I planned to go out with my buddies instead of spending my Anniversary with my W. She said he understood and would think about it. I said the decisions up to you but it would have the consequence of me being really hurt and sad. She then reached over to caress my head, to which I instinctively pulled away.

She then said I was acting really strange. I said I just feel that our anniversary is important and my W should be spending it with her H. She then said she probably wouldn't go. I said if you want to go do so. We then went into the restaurant. After sitting down I apologized for getting all weird, but I just needed to let her know how I felt. She understood and said its OK.

We had a wonderful time after that. Great conversation, holding hands while the violins played. I told her how much I loved her and she responded with the same. She talked about how much more open I am and she feels like she isn't as open. I said I could see that, but as we got closer and connected more she probably would. She said she feels like I am way ahead of her with it, and I said I could see that but that if we work together we will catch up together. Later on during the dinner she told me she would be with me tonight, and I thanked her.

There was much more to it, but if I had to describe it...if you saw us together last night you would have thought we were newly married. And I feel that is how we are both approaching it.

We went home, and I ran out quick for to rent a movie. When I came home my W had many candles lit in the living room, including our wedding candle. I said it looks nice and asked about our wedding candle. She said we should have been lighting every year, but we will start now. (I didn't ask about it further, but I think that really is a sign that she is committed to work with me on this)

Last night I also approached her about what I would like for my Birthday which is later in the month. I told her about Retrouvaille, and that there was one in March locally. I said I would like my B-day gift to be for us to go to this. This morning I gave her some materials on it. She read them and asked if its what I wanted for my B-day. I said yes and that I think it will really help us. She said OK, and actually thought it would be a great idea too. She said to fill it out, and she would write the check and we could send in next week

This request was something I really wanted, and I kinda think was a test in a way. The fact she wants to do it (even though its my b-day gift) is a really positive step. I have heard so many good things about it, and feel a dedicated weekend for us to work on our R and M will benefit us greatly.

Last good bit of news is that she said she wants to start going back to church with me during lent. I mentioned about ash wed. and since she is in Madison for training she said I could come up and visit and stay with her each WED to help her load up in the morning, and we could go to ash wed. mass together. This will be the last thing on my list that she will have done that I said would first indicate we are starting to go in the right directions.

If you haven't already made a list like this per the DR book, I really suggest it. It will help clarify what things you will be looking for your Spouse to do it indicate things are moving toward reconciliation.

I'm in a good place. I know I didn't handle the talk of my W going out like a true DB'er would. I did take from it that my W does truly care for my feelings (her reaching out to me physically to reassure me). I think it also continued to open her eyes to what is really important which is our M. There was a passing discussion about her having fun to get out before she was in the nursing home. I said yeah I think thats good, but don't forget who is going to be there for you when you get there. Your H is the one who will be there through it all with you. She agreed and I think she understood. This was right as we got into the restaurant and before she said she was going to stay with me.

Thank you all for the support. I keep praying that everyone here can see the blessings I have, and that God will help me get through my fears by keeping the positive things going. He is helping me through this by having all of you here to reassure me and point out how my W is really starting to come around.

God bless you all, and thank you.