What makes this so tough is that I am the cause of all this. I neglected and abused my wife. I was such an idiot, such an $#@!. I do have a lot of positive things going for me and I should be happy with that.
She keeps talking about future things she wants to do around the house like put new flooring, etc. So I guess that is a good thing. She keeps telling me that I need to finish school and do well so that the sacrifices the family made are not for nothing.
One thing about this process is that it is teaching me to love unconditionally. Although my wife is cheating on me, I am still her husband and that does not excuse me from acting like one. I must do what works and not react/go by my emotions. I must think each action though and really be there when my wife needs me without being pushy or needy. Right now I just want to pour my heart out to hear and tell her how much I love her. Our anniversary is coming up and all I want to do is go all out but I know that I probably can't/timing won't be right. Each day I must choose to ignore what I know and love her the way she wants to be love right now.
Right now it is hard to believe that my wife will ever love me again. God gave her back to me once and I feel like my chances are done. I keep thinking about what she said the other day how she almost divorce me in May but wants us to work. She mentioned that she is messed up and needs to go see a counselor. She already had the name and # of a place she wants to go to. Last night I was asking her if she thought she was ready to go. She didn't answer the question but said it was too expensive. I told her that when it comes to health there is no budget and to just send me the bill. I want her to be whole, to be complete. To fill loved, joy and happiness - with or without me I want her to be happy. She was really hurt that I did not push her to go see a counslor when she was going through all her personal issues with her past/family. This cannot be about me. It has to be on what her needs are (time, space, freedom to explore and find herself). She told me back in May that she lost herself and that she was going to do things on her terms so she could figure out things. Then maybe after she worked on herself she would consider working on the marriage. All I know is that I want her to get the healing she needs, of which a lot of the damage was caused by me.
