The affair is not a deal breaker for me. By mentioning his changes...I just feel like sometimes on here it's OK that he had an affair because I didn't dress right or go out enough. I know nobody really feels that way. I was just feeling grumpy that day. smile
It's never okay. I think because we do the work here, we sometimes grow to understand how it can happen, where our own faults lie, etc. but we aren't excusing him.
The best way to help your H get over his confusion is to continue to work on you and become a better version of your old self. Be steady, don't backtrack or blow up!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Yes, I can see how we had both lost touch with ourselves and each other. But of course that doesn't justify his actions. I get it. Like I said, I was just grumpy that day.
I think his girlfriend getting out of the picture would help him get over his confusion too...but I can only control myself, I remember that.
Sounds like you are doing great at working on your GAL, keeping busy and working on yourself. It's also good that your H is starting to notice these things. It is probably at the point now where he is starting to wonder if the changes are going to stick, so keep at it! Make the changes for your own benefit, of course, but he will take notice!
I had the same thing where my H was questioning whether the changes I made would stick. My DB coach told me if I get the "too little, too late" speech to just reply "just enough, just in time." and leave it at that. Or just say, "the changes that I have made have stuck this far." Try not to get drawn into saying much more than that.
It is hard for us because we are doing so much work on our end. But it is ultimately helping us, so we will always have that.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Yes, I feel really good about the changes I'm making and my new friends. If I get my marriage out of it too, that would be even better. Time will tell.
Can someone tell me about cake eating. I'm pretty certain that's what's going on over here...but I'm not sure how to be certain or what to do about it. I've never been too great at enforcing boundaries.
I think cake eating would fall under something like, he was still having sex with the OW but expects to get to have sex with you too? Along those lines anyways for an example.
The concept is to not let him have everything he wants from both relationships. That your boundries would be, you cant have both, cause im moving on to bigger and better. Without it coming off as an ultimatum of you asked for a separation, this is what you get!!! I'm not here for your emotional plan B cause your plan A had a bad day. Take care of you emotional needs, without being treated like a doormat cause your only interested in saving the marriage. You'll gain no respect from him or yourself. But at the same time, address your issues within the marriage by listening and validating what got you there, but that your changing into a new person that would be worth getting to know.
I could be wrong, I am many O times. But that's the gest of it. Decide what is too much for you, only you know, and when the boundry gets broken, you have to enforce the treatment/disrespect. For example, don't take his calls/texts for a week, make him email in advance for options with the kids.
I've done a good job with GAL. Guess that's what I need to address next.
He calls me every day, it's really weird. This is not how divorce is supposed to go. It seems very much that he feels he missed something because we have been together since we were very young...and he wants to go see what he missed...but make sure I'm here waiting if he changes his mind.
He actually said to me yesterday that he is confused as he!! and doesn't know what he wants...and that was totally of his own accord and not something I asked for.
I can tell from his comments and behavior he doesn't know which way is up...but he's continuing down this path so the comments don't really matter.
StH, Fly is right - do not take all of his calls. Make him wait a while, don't always call back the same day. If he asks why just say you were "out" or "busy". Be vague.
Confusion is common for the WAS, if you "move on" but leave the "door open" you are actually helping your M more than you know. Moving on will make your H get clear on what he wants instead of being in limbo forever but leaving the "door open" will let him know that the M has a chance. It is the ultimatums and the pressure that mess everything up!
Keep focusing on you..
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
I'm starting to feel like the affair is a deal breaker. The longer it goes on, the more I would feel like 2nd choice and like I was lacking self respect if I took him back.
Do I really think so little of myself that I would wait a year or more for his affair to die? Why is that OK?
