NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[lovethehub]

I guess I have made it easy but at the same time I believe I have stood my grounds in regards of not helping her move, the financials, the talk to the children and so on. I do feel I have kept my boundaries but then again it is sometimes hard to evaluate your own sit.
I haven’t worked against her and this could be the reason. I see that now.

F, we didn't mean you did anything wrong, we just meant that don't mistake her being so nice to mean something else when she has no reason not to be nice.

I agree to this and in here is also one of my big problems!
I understand she got fed up with me! Coach told me that she properly moved out in anger and I understand this as well. She got enough and I pushed her away. This was prior to BD.
Few weeks after BD I changed totally and started working 180s, PMA and all of that and I have done this for five months. I can without any doubt say that if we didn’t have a history she would be attracted towards me today.
But if she is stuck prior to BD this will be almost impossible to R.

You spent a long time doing 180's, your W sees what you are capable of and knows what you want. Keep up your 180's for you. It may not be too late to R, however, this most likely will not occur until she senses she may LOSE the new, improved F.

We have been talking about this over and over
I have been withholding myself so much for the last months.
This has been coming for so long and you didn’t see.
It is not fair that you tell me you feel cheated because you didn’t get the chance.
Funny enough you are not angry in the mornings anymore
IDLY
You have been pursuing me for sex – I don’t believe how you have gotten through these months
I have given you everything you wanted
This already started when before D4 was born.
You have gotten it your way since BD

Many WAW's feel this way. It most likely took her a long time to get to the point where she was so lonely/angry/sad/frustrated/whatever that she couldn't live that way any longer. It can be even more frustrating when you are finally so fed up you are leaving and that is when the LBS takes notice and shapes up. She sounds angry that this is what you did. She knows you have changed. It really seems like time to give her the space to figure it out, let her see you moving on.

She is in the fog and this is not something she will miss.
So how do I make her miss me?
Can I do anything but focus on me, GAL and detach because that’s what I am doing.

You are focusing on you and GALing, however, you don't seem detached at all. You are in constant contact and still doing many things together.

Should I address her anger at some point?
For now I feel I shouldn’t address anything at all and just let her be! She is all excited about her new life but in a few days’ vacation ends and that’s when real life will happen. The summer has been beautiful but soon fall will hit. Financials has been easy on her with the new bank but soon daily life and expenses will come.
….and so on!

Do not address it. You gave her your apology letter, that is all you can do for now. See what happens as her new life sets in and she is a single mom trying to handle work, school, homework and bills.

I won’t and I don’t believe she is cakeeating at the moment. I believe she would like to eat dinner and do familystuff at least once a week but for now I don’t do this. At the same time I wonder if this is exactly what I need to do. It would give me an opportunity to show the new me and for her to realize that children has two parents for a reason.
That’s why I have made the 3-1 rule!
Am I doing wrong?

She has seen the new you...I cannot say you are doing wrong, this is what your coach is advising. I assume there is a reason although per the books you would normally be detaching and moving on... What does your coach say about why she is recommending this approach?

I am doing this. I want to be a part of the children’s life! I am already facing a problem:
D6 is a girl scout on Wednesdays for 5PM – 6.30PM and this present a problem. Scouting is 15 min from here and this means that D4 will have to spend an hour in a car and that our eating time will be very late.
When W asked me about D6 attending I told her that this could be a problem. W got disappointed and a little angry. In fact she ended up telling me that I have to call D6 and tell her that she can’t scout because of me. (Funny when compared to the not blaming her for BD) I instantly backed out when she got angry and just told her that we can discuss this matter at a different time.

I don’t think the scouting will work and in my head I trying to formulate a rule that I might follow. Something like:
I will do all the good I can for the children but doing good for one should not hurt another (to much).
I don’t know if this makes sense and would really like your comments. (It feels like W doesn’t realize that D will have impacts on the children!)

I agree with the suggestions Hotwheels gave. Scouts is a lot of fun and there will be many things your children will be involved in over the next 10-12 years that will require the schedule to be bent or thrown right out the window. If you don't like the shopping idea (which is great, esp with picking up food to eat on the way home) you can try to find another parent to share driving with - you drive one way, they drive the other. If you don't want to leave D6, hang out. I had a GS Troop for 3 years and often had younger siblings at the meetings and we just included them in anything they were interested in - D6's leader may feel the same way.

Think about it this way...what will be more important in the big picture? D6's scouting memories and the values she will learn or D4's schedule? It will all work and it won't be that bad.

How and when should I pull back?

What does your coach say?

How do I earn respect?
How do I go from respect towards feel in love?
How do I show the manliness you talk about?
How do I attract her from here?
Do you believe coach is right about the anger that W feels?

You earn respect as Sandi2 said be nice but stand up for yourself. Also, have an opinion. Sometimes people think they are being nice/kind by saying 'okay, whatever you want' but it is a huge turnoff.

How do you go from respect to love? You can't, your W has to make that step.

How do I attract her? I have to defer to your coach because she must have a reason for not telling you to pull back.


You need some vets to answer these questions..I am sure they can add a lot more!