Things starting in right direction, NEED TIPS!

[cruiserrg]

Things have been so up and down the last 2 days. Thurs. I was hoping my W would come home right after her training. She told me in a very sort phone conversation she didn't know when she would be home, but would call me. Well I got no cal, no return to my call and she got home after 10.

When she got here I was nice like I usually am, but it soed hurt that she didn't call to let me know what was up. I ended up not going to bible study since I thought she might come home. She did snuggle up nicely with me last night, and she did say she missed me a lot. She even complained about being alone in the hotel and eating alone. That felt good, but underneath it all I kept thinking she would have come right home if she missed me or at least called. She ended up going to the bar with her friend who visited her the night before up at her hotel (and spent the night). She even was complaining that she didn't get up early enought to shower.

Well this morning was really nice, we had breakfast together and talked a bunch. She got ready to go to get her oil changed, and she even walked around undressed like she used to. It was also funny she noticed a new picture frame I got thats in my office, I showed it to her (she was naked) its a love frame with a picture I took of her a week or two ago. SHe love it and thought it was really nice. She hugged me and we were a bit affectionate. It made me really happy. We did plan to go out tonight and she said she would be home at 4:00.

Well here I sit now at 10:00 at night. She isn't home, hasn't called, and didn't return my call at 6:00. What really bums me out about this was that tonight we set up as a result of MC asking what we could do to improve our M by a point. I said spending time together on a weekend night when I have more time free. She agreed, and we set tonight as that time. I am so hurt and disappointed by this. The worst part is it is really feeding my fear of not wanting to be with her. I mean I am thinking I am going to be the WAS soon. I don't understand how she can go from being so loving with me when she is with me, and then wreck it all but standing me up and not letting me know whats going on.

I spoke with my C about it this morning (about last night). I told her about my fears and how its hurting my feelings for my W. My C said that I should be careful of not putting everything I need (respect, love, affection, ect..). My C said I have to let her know some of this stuff like boundries I need, before I get to the point I walk out. I know I would do this, but I really fear my W not accepting it and working with me to make it better.

We decided that I need to be careful but to discuss it. I plan to approach it in MC monday and come at it from a trust perspective. Saying "I need help with something I have no control over. I know you want me to trust you. My trust was severly damage by your actions before you moved in. When you stand me up, not return my calls, not let me know whats going on, and not keeping your word, you continue to errode my trust in you. IF you want me to trust you again, that can only be gained by you doing things that build my trust in you again. I feel right now you are not doing a very good job at that, and there is nothing I can do to trust you more. Trust is not given, its earned."

Thats where my thinking is now. I don't want to go into the depth of my fears of not wanting to be with her. My sincere hope is that the further we get down this road the more she will be the loving W I married. I just fear that it won't.

Tonight when she comes home is gong to be really telling. I am going to do my best to be loving like I always have, but I know I won't be able to not say "I am hurt and disappointed you didn't go out with me" I just have to say my feeling, I can't keep hiding them. I am not going to get angry, but I have to tell her this.

Tomorrow is going to be a day that will be pivotal in our R. Its our 5 year aniversary. I have been going this long, holding off any decisions about what I am going to do. My C and I talked about it and I told her I probably will continue to do what I have been (DBing). IF it goes terribly, like she stands me up again or doesn't spend more than just dinner with me, I don't know if I will be able to go on.

Everyone, I need help and direction. Its probably just the Aniversary, but when she does this stuff I feel like I am falling out of love for her and possibly don't want her in my life. This really scares me. I do know i will be fine, and I don't NEED her in my live, but I just would like to be with her. Help give me some insight.

PS I know I haven't been at this long, and there are real positive things going on, its just so hard to see when every positive step forward comes with a step back.