it is the biggest thorn in the universe. it's like one of those awful- unseen - splinters that you just have to wait around and assume it will fester eventually and slide it out and fix itslef. (we hope).
i share your misery about this crappola of living w/ow. it's maybe something they "need" to do- idk. i 'm mad about it each time- (in a small way or a giant- but it's always there - the awareness and feeling uncertain and miserable about it. ) it doesn't "stop" me from living like in the beginning. i don't think we have a choice - THE FINAL FRUSTRATION. NO DARN thing in the world to do about it- total - TOTAL inability to save self from it or him from it. (well- there's running away- but then you'd always have to wonder - what would have happened if you stayed the course) darn it!!!
idk about this letting go stuff- it's something forced down our throats , wouldn't you say??? i mean- we're letting them go do what they want- that's letting go to me- it stinks still since i'd chose for it to be gone-
so i think you're doing great because you're not fightint it with him and every day. i don't think you get to have "peace" abvout it- i sure don't - i just don't think that's part of our deal - the db thing. we do it, swallow it, put a good face on it and work on halping self keep calm & sane & becoming more self-oriented if possible.
we have to shelve those feelings best we can- get on with life- act as if it's not happening- try not to dwell or obsess and go forward.
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I feel as if I already lost most of my H, the best of my H, and am living with a hollow shell. And now he will be gone forever.
i know- me too most of the time. HOWEVER - THEN I think of the friend's lawyer telling her be very slow and sure before you run out of this m from a known "evil" to an unknown one. if you have noting in particular wonderful to be running to- then what the heck, go slow and ride along. you can always leave tomorrow.
i say that to myself allll the time. it keeps me in place when i think i can't stand it all anymore. i don't k now who my h is anymore. i dont know if like this guy- i certainly don't see him or feel about him like i did with old H. some how knowing he's capable and willing to hurt me like this all, with total disregard- has stopped me from feeling it.
i've got something- no doubt - since i'm stil here. i'm going to try and wait it out- til i know2 with crystal clarity which it is- he loves me - i love him- i hate him, i don't care one darn bit- etc.
it will come - i'm pretty sure - total understanding (of me anyway).
him- i just dno 't know. i can't reconcile who he is now with who he was. i can't say with certainty he'll get past it and even be the shadow of who he was. fingers crossed - but not much hope in my heart anymore.
it's been sooo long - i'm guessing maybe 8 or 10 yeas since he ws normal self- maybe i've forgotten and rewritten who he was- (wonderful) and i'm nuts. oh well.
i figure with time it will all become clear. good luck man- just feeling your quandry too in life- i hope your eye is okay. we've both got beginning cataracts. eye dr told us last year everyone alive has them to one extent or another- jsut the results of a lifetime of living. what the???
i hope you don't feel too sick with it all- just what ya need now huh?
AND- I'M THINKNG YOUR H DOES CARE- PROBABLY ALOT MORE THAN HE WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT- or ACKNOWLEDGE OR FEEL. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT GOES HUH? HOPING HE REALIZES IT ONE OF THESE DAYS or years.
I'VE THOUGHT A MILLON TIMES IF MY H UPS AND GOES TO EUROPE WITH OW- (SOMETHING we used to d0 every year- it really was wonderful traveling together) i think i could get rid of him- the betray would be too great. then i think of me still here- and he had his stupid computer in europe last two times - chatting away with her (come to find out) and ruined the trips somewhat which still makes me hate him for that- oh well huh? i can be "alot of talk" sometimes -
i live in dread- la la la - not thinking bout it. the trip thig is $hit for sure- you're a strong & sane babe. we have our lives and sanity and brains .
