Portia, I think what your SO is saying w/the comment "life is challenging, but I remain optimistic" is the fact that he is finding out that life isn't a box of chocolates. He's finding out that he's still got the same old issues at the end of the day and no matter what he does or tries, the issues are still there. He may also be up against whatever issues he was having at work and has discovered that no amount of counseling is helping in that area. He's still looking at life through rose colored glasses and thinks that the rainbow has a pot of gold at the other end. If only he could find that pot of gold, he would be so happy!
I think you were very wise not to question him about this comment. They have a way of sending out cryptic messages hoping that you are still interested enough in their lives that you'll take that bait. It's his way of checking the temperature of the relationship.
You are doing great! I'm sure your kitty was having a wonderful nap when you snapped the photo. Kitty is one lucky little creature to have you as his/her mom.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Portia, I think you did great on that text exchange. I like snodderly’s insights about that comment. I also think that it means he has not found what he was looking for. I think you are doing the right thing to end the conversation for now and wait for him to contact you again. This is for your own benefit. I’ve been doing the same thing. I question myself sometimes that this the right way to go, but then I remember the phrase I read somewhere “Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having.” So, if my H wants to establish any kind of relationship or connection with me, he will find the way to do it. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thank you all so much for the encouragement! There were so many things I wanted to say to the "lots of changes, all good" comment. Like "oh, so kicking me out of your life was good?" OR "What changes?" The first response being born out of anger the second pure curiosity. I have to confess I am curious and if he remembers anything about me, he'll know that!
But I didn't respond with anger, after all what would be the point? He won't get it. And as much as I am itching to know these changes, a part of me still feels like I have gone through enough of this dance - if he has something to tell me, especially after NC for four months, spit it out.
He tried to yank my chain again with the life is challenging comment. I still wanted to bite since I had no idea what he meant. But I thought I'd send a picture of the cat - who, Snodderly thinks she owns ME - and now, that is that. No drama and now I can turn my attention back to my life and getting some of that To Do List completed.
Snodderly, you gave him a lot more credit for introspection than I did. My first thought was that he was finding being a substitute step dad challenging. In normal circumstances, I would note believe that an ex would contact after all this time to tell me news like married, pregnant or co-habitating but this MLC and so unpredictable. Why dig me up, he already left! I like your interpretation much, much better!
Bright, I liked your quote:
Quote:
“Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having.”
That is a good thing to remember.
A little bit of drama to start the week. But must return to work!
Nothing more from xSO. Sort of feels like the contact never happened, except his words keep coming up in my head like a broken record player.
A part of me was so glad to hear from him but another part of me wishes that he would not have contacted me. Especially since he appears to be so happy with his life right now which I can only guess includes someone else. I will not compete in that competition which is why I won't initiate contact. As much as I try not to guess, I can't help but feel like the GF is still there in Technicolor.
On a positive note, his text does indicate he was thinking of me.
Perversely, I wonder if I will hear from him again. Is that what MLC is - these weird, random "hello are you still out theres?" Or did I buy a special kind of lottery ticket?
The darkness is like a shadow that follows me everywhere. At times, I can be content and even happy and upbeat but there is always that twinge of melancholy and that feeling of being utterly alone.
One day, I suppose those holes will fill and hurts will mend. I am working on it. Otherwise, life is keeping me busy.
iknow, isn't it the truth. little thises and thats pop into one's head- life past - etc. i wonder stuff all the time too, sometimes i'm not even miserable when i do- but i do notice it.
i guess you can't wipe away allllll those years - even in a few years. maybe it all stays forever (partially anyway) it was a huge part of your life. me too-\ \\\
i do liek your title- i feel like that today- fell down 97 - back up 98
opnward and upward huh? hope your day is okay-
i'm bummed bout the ow thing also today- in a very mild and neutralway- but feel like you- i'm not competing.
i don't like feeling inspected an compared. if that's wht it is to be- comparing - count me out.
i never was competitive. why begin now i geuss.
ijust don't see the point. it's all in the heart & mind - isn't it? love? atTRACTION, etc.
i'd say thinking of you is definitely 'sometign". maybe he's workin his way thru still-
I guess living with an MLCer brings its own kind of challenges, doesn't it? Knowing vs. guessing?
IDK, Nero, if I had the choice (and maybe in the future we will!) I would like to be able to stick my finger in a socket and have my brain synapses rewired so that I would not be still so confused after all this time. How is it after all he has done that I would even consider missing him? Or trying again?
I chuckle about it now, but I used to think that it would only take a month for me to get over this. Slight underestimate, though.
But I am with you, I am not competing. If I am "standing" for anything (and I have to say, I am not at all fond of that label), I am standing up for ME. A year later, I am glad I never made any rash decisions. I like that I want a life outside of the white picket fence - travel and adventure. I thought xSO and I shared that. If he has changed so much that he wants that (or feels he wants that) then so be it.
Thanks for the encouragement and saying that the contact is something. He likely is still working through his issues. But, man, it is sure taking a very long time.
Is it strange that the thing I miss the most, the very most, is being hugged?
My dear Portia, what you just posted so resonates with me. It is almost like I wrote it myself. Except I knew that it would take longer than one months to get over this. If I want to believe the notion that it takes one month for every year of M or R to recover from a broken R, then I have about 4 more months to go. I can handle that.
I’m also questioning myself if I’m standing for my M anymore. I’m definitely making huge changes in ME and I hope one day I will have the relationship I want. It is also more than 1 year for me since the BD. I would want to believe that my H is still working on himself, but I’m starting to doubt that. Maybe this life is what he wants. I don’t know of it is better if he would be in the R already. At least yours is living in it already, maybe it will take a bit longer for him to realize that the grass is not greener on the other side. For me H, it is still a fantasy that he is pursuing.
I would give you a big hug right now. I know it is not the same as receiving it from your partner, but still could feel nice. (((((hugs!!!!!)))))
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
"The darkness is like a shadow that follows me everywhere. At times, I can be content and even happy and upbeat but there is always that twinge of melancholy and that feeling of being utterly alone.
One day, I suppose those holes will fill and hurts will mend. I am working on it. Otherwise, life is keeping me busy."
Oh Portia, it broke my heart to read this. And you know what, I feel just the same, even though my H is living here with his philandering self in my face every day. I so miss him, the old him, and like you, feel utterly alone. I guess it would have been easier for you if SO hadn't contacted you. I got so excited about it. Well, no matter what, it shows you are on his mind. And if he is anything like my H, he is spinning so fast and he is lying to himself about how wonderful things are, but is actually horribly depressed.
I know you will be okay no matter what, you are such a strong woman, and have grown so much. I truly believe that your SO is going to come crawling back someday, but also think that you won't want him any more if he waits too much longer. I always so appreciate your good advice and love. Maybe someday soon we'll be discussing our strategy for dating!
"Is it strange that the thing I miss the most, the very most, is being hugged?"
Me too, me too
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Sorry it's been a roller coaster of emotions for you since the text messages.....hope you can find your grounding again soon.
I miss being hugged too.....and having a hand at the small of my back. It is strange the things you miss:)
take care Portia
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
- and now, that is that. No drama and now I can turn my attention back to my life and getting some of that To Do List completed.