Blindsided Part 2

[chl0901]

I can't remember... are you in counseling or using a DB coach?

Hi, RT! I am not in IC or using a DB coach at this time. I have been considering calling for more info on DB coaching sessions, but will need to figure out a way to pay because I don't want my H to know (all of our accounts are linked).

Good job on the 180's and GAL, but it's way too soon to expect an improvement in your sitch. You've got to dig down and find patience like you've never had before! It takes many months of doing 180's before a WAS starts to believe the changes may be real, and it may be many more months (if ever) before they respond to those changes. Do it for you, because if you're doing it expecting a quick change in your H then you won't be able to sustain it.

Hi, AS! I guess I should have clarified that I meant we are much less snappy with each other in our daily interactions and I now ignore/do not battle his bad moods which I believe helps him get over them sooner. As far as our M, I know that will take a lot of time to evolve into a "new" M (which is what I am hoping for eventually).

I'm really committed to my 180s and GALs being permanent, so H will see this is the "new" me (a W that only a FOOL would leave)!

That's where boundaries come in. If and when you reconcile, you make it clear to him that he must honor your boundaries for R to happen. Examples of boundaries are things like discontinuing all contact with OP, must call or send a message to OP telling them it's over with you as a witness, must give you full access to phone and email in the future, must agree to attend MC, etc. Boundaries must also have consequences, you have to establish what the penalty is if he doesn't comply with the boundary.

Please note that if your H is a WAH and is one foot out the door, you're not in a position to set boundaries like the above, it'll just drive him away. These are for the time when he expresses interest in reconciling should that happen.

Yes, I do not feel comfortable setting any boundaries at this time, because I feel that would push my H away and he would also deny, deny, deny. I guess I am just hoping deep down that his whatever relationship with OW will fizzle out and things will improve with us to the point where he doesn't feel the need to stray or have inappropriate relationships like this again.