The ER checked my thyroid yesterday and it was okay. The double vision is only in my left eye, it goes away when I cover it and look out my right eye.
They likely only checked your thyroid hormone levels (or maybe just the TSH). The thyroid receptor antibody test would take a few days to come back and I doubt they checked that. You CAN have thyroid eye disease with normal thyroid hormone levels.
Still - if you only have double vision in the left eye (meaning if you close the right eye and JUST look out the left, the double vision is still there) then the problem is likely IN the eye. I'm assuming they checked your eye pressures and there is no glaucoma?
Sure hope your double vision goes away! Maybe you are developing a super power?
Relax and take care of you - even if stress is not the direct cause, I think it does more harm to our bodies than we know. And you have been under much stress!
Thanks, Ellie, Magic, Sailing, Snodderly, Rose, Nero, Wonka, rH and Portia, you are all such good friends. Ellie! Both contacts in one eye! You are too funny! You too Wonka! Thanks for your good wishes Portia, we're all under a lot of stress, and you're right, it cannot be good for us.
I saw an ophthalmologist yesterday evening. He did a ton of tests, and I have to return in a week for more. The verdict is I have rosacea in my eyes, and a cataract in my left eye that somehow folded in on itself, causing the double vision. That sounds bizarre to me, as I thought a cataract was just a clouding of the lens. He says it must be removed and I will be able to see great out of my left eye without glasses when he's done, and he also gave me drops for the rosacea. Maybe I'll get a monocle for my right eye! That would look sharp
The double vision is making me feel really sick to my stomach, and my H suggested I try an eye patch. Sometimes he really seems to care about me
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rH, Mz. J, SweetRed and Magic, I love that Munson book, and feel that it holds many lessons for anyone dealing with a spouse's MLC, and for me personally. rH, how nice that Laura Munson actually replied to your email! She sounds like a really special kind of person. Very deep thinking and caring. Red I am also jealous that her H "saw the light" within one summer, and did not get an OW. What do you think of it so far J and Magic?
I feel like I really need to sit quietly and ponder some of the things she said and did on a deeper level. A much deeper level. Because on a shallower level, they tick me off.
Especially their trips. And my H's trip. Munson spent a year in Italy when she was in college, and always longed to return. She took her D12 to Italy for a month just before BD, despite the fact that her H's business was floundering, and he was deeply concerned about money. She justified the expense because she paid for the trip using "her own money" she had earned by writing. I'm not sure why the money she earned writing wasn't "our money." And within days of her return, her H delivered BD.
But she justified taking the trip because it was something she always wanted to do. She wrote that her therapist had advised "don't ever spend half your life depriving yourself of something you so purely and deeply love. What kind of imbecile would do that?" Munson wrote "If we deprive ourselves of our greatest dreams, how are we setting ourselves up to be treated by our husbands?"
Then when her H delivers BD, says he does not love her anymore and is moving to an apartment in town, she calmly realizes professing her love for him will just annoy him, and advises him that he needs an adventure for his "emotional well being." She suggests he go hiking in Australia or fishing in Alaska. He refused, said they could not afford it.
Firstly HOW did she know not to scream "but I love you" when she heard I love you but...??? How did she realize in that split second that he was only saying he did not love her because he did not love himself? How crazy is that? Are some people natural DBers? What is wrong with the rest of us?
And secondly, WTF is with wanting to send her H away, alone, without her, on a soul searching trip? Would she have felt the same if he had an OW he planned to travel with?
I feel like there is a lesson for me to learn here about my H's trip to Russia. I have already accepted that this is something he needs to do, and will lovingly let him go. But I feel that if I could get over the festering pain caused by the fact that he will be living with a woman, whom he has convinced himself that he is in love with, for that month, I could maybe learn something about his motivation from Laura Munson. About his need for adventure without me, and about how to eagerly and willingly send him away on a voyage of discovery without me.
I feel as if this trip is going to change him forever, and am afraid because I will never know what the changes are and what caused them. He won't share any of that with me. And the fact of RT being there, helping him discover a whole new world and way of life, is a big thorn in my side, almost too much to bear at times. I feel as if I already lost most of my H, the best of my H, and am living with a hollow shell. And now he will be gone forever.
I guess I need to read it again, like you did rH.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I feel as if this trip is going to change him forever, and am afraid because I will never know what the changes are and what caused them. He won't share any of that with me. And the fact of RT being there, helping him discover a whole new world and way of life, is a big thorn in my side, almost too much to bear at times. I feel as if I already lost most of my H, the best of my H, and am living with a hollow shell. And now he will be gone forever.
Linda, it's the fear of the unknown. Time for you to sit on the discomfort sofa and sort through these feelings. Also it is part borrowing trouble as well. Trust us when we all say that the A will burn out eventually and the trip to Russia will do your M a world of good. If not immediately afterward, then it will in time after H returns from the trip. There are just too many negatives about the trip and RT that they will eventually pull down the R and burn out.
Be prepared for many bumps before the trip and after H returns home. Keep this in the back of your mind and remind yourself that it is not about you.
it is the biggest thorn in the universe. it's like one of those awful- unseen - splinters that you just have to wait around and assume it will fester eventually and slide it out and fix itslef. (we hope).
i share your misery about this crappola of living w/ow. it's maybe something they "need" to do- idk. i 'm mad about it each time- (in a small way or a giant- but it's always there - the awareness and feeling uncertain and miserable about it. ) it doesn't "stop" me from living like in the beginning. i don't think we have a choice - THE FINAL FRUSTRATION. NO DARN thing in the world to do about it- total - TOTAL inability to save self from it or him from it. (well- there's running away- but then you'd always have to wonder - what would have happened if you stayed the course) darn it!!!
idk about this letting go stuff- it's something forced down our throats , wouldn't you say??? i mean- we're letting them go do what they want- that's letting go to me- it stinks still since i'd chose for it to be gone-
so i think you're doing great because you're not fightint it with him and every day. i don't think you get to have "peace" abvout it- i sure don't - i just don't think that's part of our deal - the db thing. we do it, swallow it, put a good face on it and work on halping self keep calm & sane & becoming more self-oriented if possible.
we have to shelve those feelings best we can- get on with life- act as if it's not happening- try not to dwell or obsess and go forward.
Quote:
I feel as if I already lost most of my H, the best of my H, and am living with a hollow shell. And now he will be gone forever.
i know- me too most of the time. HOWEVER - THEN I think of the friend's lawyer telling her be very slow and sure before you run out of this m from a known "evil" to an unknown one. if you have noting in particular wonderful to be running to- then what the heck, go slow and ride along. you can always leave tomorrow.
i say that to myself allll the time. it keeps me in place when i think i can't stand it all anymore. i don't k now who my h is anymore. i dont know if like this guy- i certainly don't see him or feel about him like i did with old H. some how knowing he's capable and willing to hurt me like this all, with total disregard- has stopped me from feeling it.
i've got something- no doubt - since i'm stil here. i'm going to try and wait it out- til i know2 with crystal clarity which it is- he loves me - i love him- i hate him, i don't care one darn bit- etc.
it will come - i'm pretty sure - total understanding (of me anyway).
him- i just dno 't know. i can't reconcile who he is now with who he was. i can't say with certainty he'll get past it and even be the shadow of who he was. fingers crossed - but not much hope in my heart anymore.
it's been sooo long - i'm guessing maybe 8 or 10 yeas since he ws normal self- maybe i've forgotten and rewritten who he was- (wonderful) and i'm nuts. oh well.
i figure with time it will all become clear. good luck man- just feeling your quandry too in life- i hope your eye is okay. we've both got beginning cataracts. eye dr told us last year everyone alive has them to one extent or another- jsut the results of a lifetime of living. what the???
i hope you don't feel too sick with it all- just what ya need now huh?
AND- I'M THINKNG YOUR H DOES CARE- PROBABLY ALOT MORE THAN HE WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT- or ACKNOWLEDGE OR FEEL. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT GOES HUH? HOPING HE REALIZES IT ONE OF THESE DAYS or years.
I'VE THOUGHT A MILLON TIMES IF MY H UPS AND GOES TO EUROPE WITH OW- (SOMETHING we used to d0 every year- it really was wonderful traveling together) i think i could get rid of him- the betray would be too great. then i think of me still here- and he had his stupid computer in europe last two times - chatting away with her (come to find out) and ruined the trips somewhat which still makes me hate him for that- oh well huh? i can be "alot of talk" sometimes -
i live in dread- la la la - not thinking bout it. the trip thig is $hit for sure- you're a strong & sane babe. we have our lives and sanity and brains .
No one says you have to quietly accept H shacking up with RT. You have the option to tell him: “You know what, if you want to go live with her that’s fine, I won’t try to stop you… But if you do, don’t bother coming back”
Even if you “lovingly let him go” you can always pull the rug out from under him at any time after he comes back.
I’m not saying this will get you the results you desire, (NO ONE knows) but I think just knowing that you actually have this power will help you immensely, even if you choose not to use it.
I think about it sometimes and my W hasn't hurt me nearly as badly as your H has hurt you.
Reminding myself I have these options gives me strength to stand, because then I know I'm not just helplessly being taken for a ride here... I actually can take the wheel at any time.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
