Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...

[chasingpavements]

Got an email from H this morning that he wants to have a serious talk tonight about money. He would like me to return to work in the fall to my old office job. I worked in a productivity based office job with good benefits, pension, etc. But I absolutely hated this job and it depressed me.

I have an interview for a new job at a place that I would LOVE working at. The money would be less and no benefits. This job is flexible with hours, which means I could work around my kids school schedule, which would be great.

We are tight on money right now and my H's job is not as secure as it used to be. He is not likely going to receive any overtime, or bonuses and they are starting to lay off people. They were awaiting a big contract, which would help things, but it hasn't been signed and it might not go through.

I don't know what to say to H. The thought of going back to my old job makes me sick to my stomach as I really did not like the job and I don't know if I could emotionally handle going back with the way things are going. If I were to divorce, I would be an emotional wreck. If my family gets broken up I am going to be devastated. I don't know how I could possibly focus on working.

So I am stuck between going back to a job that I don't like or possibly finding another job that I would enjoy more, that wouldn't pay as much.

H rarely emails me, and when he does it is very formal and always to do something for him, like to run an errand. Now he is emailing me regarding finding a job. I understand but I am SO angry at him about everything he is putting me through. We are living in the same house, while being in this limbo, and he treats me like a stranger or makes me feel he wishes I were not around.

I have a feeling I am going to say things to him that I will regret... like he is trying to control me/tell me what to do, all the while he is threatening to leave me and break up the family. How he treats me like I don't belong in my own home and barely speaks to me. I am so angry at him! I am doing a good job of keeping busy and not take everything personal that he does, but I am still angry.