Not New to This Anymore

[PatientMan]

In what universe is it prudent to make decisions when you both are angry and confused? Don't say that, but don't forget it either.

-PM

[swoop]

If says, FU ... then suck it up and FO

I dont LOL very much lately but this got me. Thanks SP you may have not meant it but that helped me find humor in something today.

You know, if we don't see the humor in there somewhere....this whole Divorce busting thing could seem pretty grim...haha
I am glad that helped take your focus away, even if only for a moment.

[sandi2]

Is the real reason for slowing down the process is in hopes she will change her mind a about the D?

[steveh27]

Well sandi ... interesting u mention that. We had a nice couple days. The 4th was nice - took the kids to an amusement park and fireworks after with her sisters family in the same sitch but they are almost 3 years in now. Anytime I share with anyone these scenarios or the way we are living ... I get a lot of "weird, odd or thats awkward" statements. It is actually, as thinking back I would never tolerated or allowed myself to be in this type of environment. Fast forward my life and thats exactly what im doing.

W was having a grumpy day today. I let it roll off most of the day but she was short with the kids and sarcastic at times with me. She finally was annoyed enough to get angry at S9 for something small. I asked "are you ok today you seem really annoyed". She mentioned that shes having a hard day and in a bad mood. I wanted to validate but i just said "ok" and let it go. Knowing that our sitch is stressful enough but the kids were getting the brunt of it. She hasnt been doing much with the house the last 3 days in regards to getting it ready to sell. Yesterday we were busy with the kids for the 4th so that was a lost day for that.

It came to a head tonight when I was upstairs and she came up. She said she was going visit her best friend with a health insurance problem. I said "normally I wouldnt mind but I was just ready to go for a run - ill be back in an hour". She said it would be nice to know that before making plans. I slipped and said I guess I could say the same. She then said "dont start". I couldnt believe it and thought about the FO comment from the other day. I should have just done that. It escalated to a serious R talk and her and me getting angry and emotional. A lot was said including the same question Sandi asked me above. I have to be honest and say a part of me still wants to delay this for time. Although I also dont want to feel like im being forced into deciding what my kids fate and my financial future will be while im still confused, angry and depressed at the same time. Some days I want to just give my W what she wants and throw in the towel. Others I want to fight for me and what I think is fair.

So yes Sandi in your infinite wisdom you read between the lines and know that im still holding that rope still. The talk turned really emotional and she said she just wants to be happy and she knows that the other 4 people in the house will not be. I said that I understand that she is not happy right now but it wasnt too long ago you seemed you were. I wrongly said something that made her feel guilty. I said our happiness became something different when we decided to start our family. She finally got mad and said "Fine .. you all win. I dont care anymore. We will stay this way then. We will live in a loveless marriage for the family. You will sleep on that side of the bed and I will sleep on this side until the day I die. I dont want to talk anymore. You win." She then left the house and went to her friends.

I clearly do not want this. She is extra emotional today and struggling with something. I dont know if spending time with her sister preempted this as this is their sitch .. I dont know. Im more confused now - I feel like should just go at this point. I will not be this to someone .. this is something I dont how to deal with. It most likely is her way of venting and releasing some frustration but im noticing her at least thinking about the ramifications of her decision. Not exactly a great way to show it and could actually mean nothing as typical WAS script.

At times I have no clue about anything. Sandi go ahead and give me the 2X4 I deserve. I clearly am not doing this the right way ... not if there is a right way either.

[steveh27]

Just some journaling ....

Nothing going on much here. My S15 was away with friends at a lake since before the 4th. My D13 has been keeping busy with her friends. She has been taking it the hardest and cries at times. My D9 has been extra clingy .. more than normal. I took her for about an 8 mile bike ride on a path near our house. We packed a lunch and ate at a spot that many riders tend to stop as it has nice views. It was hot out today!!!! Luckily we brought lots of water. just to spend some time with her though was nice as her brother and sister werent home. W was home organizing and cleaning the house but when got home nothing was really done except for laundry. Yesterday was more of the same but with her spending most of the day in bed.

[swoop]

Her reply about just staying in a loveless marriage and not divorcing, I feel, means SOMETHING. She is clearly fighting with her decisions and is still extrememly confused. She knows she is not happy, wants things to change, but doesn't know what she really wants. You need to work diligently on your 180's, Steve. Really really focus on her complaints. She obviously doesn't want conflict. Nobody does. Instead of responding to her with tit for tat, or even by listening, just avoid the conflict as much as possible. Avoid ANY conversation that may cause emotions to stir. If she initiates it, you just respond as a listener, a validator......Stay your course. I really feel she will settle down a little and look at things more clearly. Remember, happy interactions, upbeat, fun, light and fluffy.

Very happy to hear you had some good quality time with Daughter.

[steveh27]

Today she asked if I was going to keep the next mediation appointment. I felt cornered as I was leaving for work. Avoiding conversations is hard during this time as the kids arent up yet and it feels like open season during those hours.

Anyway I answered the best I could.

M: "I dont on plan changing the appointment ... why do you ask?".

W: "Because you postponed the last one - I wanted to make sure."

M: "I really dont to have time for a conversation right now when heading out the door. Can we talk later?"

W: "Do you really plan on going?"

M: "I really have to go. Im already late ... have a good day. I'll let you know if I get a check."

W: nothing

(the "check" thing is based on not getting paid for awhile from a contract I'm working - it's adding to our stress levels also financially).

I did not handle it well. I am not adept in handling quick stress conversations. I gave her my honest answer. I dont plan on NOT going, although I still think my best emotions will not be there, but I dont think they ever will. The plan is not to piss her off but the left over points left to discuss have been tabled for a reason as we can't agree on them. This may affect the "amicable" part of the mediation theme.

[steveh27]

It's been awhile. Having a real hard time lately. I will string some days together where everything is good, then wham, I'll string some real sh**tty ones together. I've done real well with GAL'ing as of late but it's not helping me detach very well. Took the kids on vacation to visit my sister, as she has a beach house near the shore. We were gone for 5 days, kids seemed to do relatively well. Ironically, my D9 I thought would have the hardest time away from Mom, but she did much better than my S15. I could tell it bothered him not have his Mom there. They all called back home once a day ... I'm sure that helped both the W and the kids. Have a couple of friends that I can do stuff with once or twice a week. I also have been playing alot of soccer as of late on pick-up nights.

I just got back from a long weekend visiting one of my best friends by myself. My friend has never been married and lives a very different lifestyle than I'm used to, but it struck a chord with me that this might be my new normal, and I'm not embracing it very well. It was fun, but it was fun for a weekend. I found myself missing the kids and looking forward to coming home.

After almost 4-5 months of this so far, it gets lonely. I'm sure you long timers scoff at this as you have amazingly weathered much longer. Sometimes I dont know how you do it. I am going through a phase where everyone I meet (especially female) I evaluate, and my evaluations are real low and certainly not fair I'm sure. I seem to be extremely skeptical and un-accepting of myself to allow new people into my life. I guess this goes back to the trust issues I've been accustomed to having to live with most of my adult life. So this in turn is hindering my detachment and allowing myself to still cling to what I had.

The W and I have had a number of good fights as of late, as the pressure of our living situation gets to us. Sometimes I lack the ability to walk away when she decides to question or confront. These are utterly complete back pedals on any good that I've been able to show. The only time I can avoid this is to physically leave the house for awhile. Last night was one where I couldnt walk away and she stepped in front of me and followed me where I went in the house, demanding an answer about something. This is the 3rd time we have had a fight where this has happened, and I only have seen her like that once in all the 20 years I have been with her. I dont always want to leave everytime we have a conversation thats uncomfortable. Hopefully I'm smart enough now to see the warning signs earlier. I have never been very good at not defending myself, so I need to STFU better.

The W is taking the kids this week for 2 days to visit her older sister. The kids will like this but this will be hard for me as I'm sure it was hard for the W when I was away with them. I will need to occupy my time and mind well for a couple of days.

All in all it hasn't been going well of late unfortunately. I am not using my gift of time wisely it seems. I feel I keep getting knocked backwards, as its not easy to act "normal" or "as if" when living in a situation like this. Emotions are high and it's hard to not have contempt for the W as she moves forward and still try and show love when it is not returned in any way shape or form.

[AnotherStander]

I will string some days together where everything is good, then wham, I'll string some real sh**tty ones together.

Hang in there, I think we all go through that. It's been a year since BD for me and I still have bad days now and then. But as time goes on the good days increase and the bad days decrease.

After almost 4-5 months of this so far, it gets lonely. I'm sure you long timers scoff at this as you have amazingly weathered much longer. Sometimes I dont know how you do it.

GAL and connecting with old friends and making new ones is the best way to combat the loneliness. It doesn't completely get rid of it, but it helps. Also try to remember the you that you were before you got married. Chances are that you had a lot of alone time back then, but you probably weren't lonely, right? It's because you weren't codependent, you were independent and self-sufficient. Try and get back in touch with that guy.

The W and I have had a number of good fights as of late, as the pressure of our living situation gets to us. Sometimes I lack the ability to walk away when she decides to question or confront.

You might consider seeing an IC for this, they can give you tools to defuse the sitch before it flames up. It's REALLY important to stop the fighting, that's a huge 180 in M's where fighting is a constant problem.

Be patient with yourself as well as your W, give yourself time to heal! You're doing fine so far

[steveh27]

Thanks AS for responding.

I think your absolutely right. Healing needs to happen in whatever form that may take. Its hard to have the right attitude for this if you dont have some sort of forgiveness, not only for the W but for yourself.

I will post more when I get some time, but thanks again.