Surviving Separation

[slow_it_down]

As predicted yesterday was a better day... And today better yet. My H even texted me something moderately um "thoughtful" and funny I guess you would say that wasn't at all baby related. That was nice.

I'm still stuck in this weird place were I can't tell if he's just being nice or if he's softening toward me. I know I shouldn't even worry and keep the focus on what I'm doing w/ o regard of what he wants or thinks until he shows clear interest, but its weird to have this text message thing going w/ no sign whatsoever that he'd like to see me or hear my voice.

I know I need to give this up, but I really really WANT to see him at least once before we meet up w/ me in labor at the hospital. Afterall we are approaching 3 months since ive seen him. More accurately i guess I want him to WANT to see me. Almost as though a reconciliation after the baby would be less meaningful or like I would feel less confident in him sticking around long term if its just baby guilt that brings him back. (IF he comes back that is) I know 3 months is not very long in the grand scheme of things, but to show no interest in seeing me now when our conversations haven't been negative for months and things feel "friendly" just feels odd. That whole "maybe he really is better off without me" feeling I suppose.

At any rate, I did some professional networking today and am finishing up the last of my home repairs before baby. Something about hitting a hardware store to fix something on your own when your 8 months pregnant feels empowering. Staying busy w/ tasks always helps too!

[Confluences]

I have been sucked-in to the Text Messaging Trap with my WAW and it's very frustrating. It's an easy way for the side that Walked Away to maintain a barrier as a way to eliminate the guilt-factor for their actions. My WAW is the Queen of it and it drives me nuts because she actually admitted she was "too chicken S#*T" to talk on the phone or in person. It makes me lose so much respect for her and our relationship by it being reduced to a text message....especially when she texted me "I want to move on" after being together for 10 years.

I will say that if they are pleasant exchanges with the WAS then that's not all bad as mine were 50/50, some pleasant and some just flat-out hateful.....still drives me nuts. Anyway, I know the frustration and can definitely relate but if you want it to work, take solace in the fact that they are pleasant messages and not spiteful...you know, keeping the faith.

[Whiterose]

Keep your spirits up Slow....you're doing great!! So glad the days are getting better.

[slow_it_down]

Sometimes I think God has an interesting way of reminding me he's always around and listening. He doesn't always give me exactly what I'm asking for but shows he's there. Within 5 minutes of posting here that I'd like to see H at least one time before the baby is born, my H randomly texted to ask if he could pick something up from my house on Tuesday. Its the first time since he's moved out that he's needed to come back for anything. It is something he legitimately needs that day so I don't see it as a play to see me under a guise or anything like that. Still, I got a good chuckle that I may just get what I asked for (seeing him) even if it isn't exactly what I wanted (my H wanting to see me).

Oh well. I'll take it.

Also, I was reading something on another sitch that really spoke to me and I wanted to jot it down here as a reminder. Something along the lines of 'become a friend first, then a friend thats fun to spend time with, then a friend thats fun to be intimate with and go from there.' I really liked the simplicity of it, focusing on just being a friend w/o needing to spend time together. I thought 'hey, I can do that.' It made me feel a little better about being 'ok' with just accepting that for now our relationship involves a small amount of daily texting... aka baby steps toward friendship I think.

I'm trying not to read too much into things but this is day 4 of H reaching out to me via text for positive upbeat conversation. He even shared something that was somewhat personal/embarrassing today and seems to be opening up a bit.

[slow_it_down]

Also, Confluences, I'm really sorry that you got the 'I want to move on' message via text. I can't imagine how painful that must have been.

I've gotten my fair share of bombs dropped via email/text and I guess on the bright side it gives us the chance to take a breath and think through how we'll respond or what our next steps are... since its not in person or on the phone we aren't as likely to blow our PMA, act-as-if persona when we get unexpected news.

Also, the fact that our spouses even bother to tell us anything at all has to mean something right? After all, she could have just taken her rings off, started dating and ignoring you like you never existed. Feeling the need to 1) tell you in the first place and 2) to hide behind a text shows that there's still a lot of emotion on her side, even if she doesn't know quite what it is or what to do with it.

[Confluences]

Thanks, Slow~

My WAW is a very kind person at heart, she's just jaded with me but as I said prior, I was not a fun person to be around and neglectful of our relationship. That's what is so sad, is I turned her into that person over time.

I totally agree with the whole premise of being a friend that is fun to be around first and that kind of forces you to proceed with caution and ditch the irrational exuberance that we're all subjected to right now. You gotta go in with a solid game plan that protects your emotional interests and self preservation. That's a good sign that he wants to see you but keep a guarded attitude.

Keep me posted on how it proceeds.

[slow_it_down]

I woke up bound and determined not to answer any work day texts today unless I was specifically asked something about the baby. As expected I got a random checking in/small talk text by mid morning and I successfully ignored it! +1 point me

By afternoon I got a follow up text "is everything ok?!??"

Drats, i guess I can't really "go dark" on my H when I could go into labor at any time because 'worry' doesn't equal mysterious... -1 point

But then something interesting! My H asked me if I'd like to get lunch tomorrow when he drops by the house. I wondered how long he'd stay tomorrow, but asking in advance to do lunch on top of getting his stuff... Way more than I was expecting.

I replied that tomorrow might not be good and that I might have to take a rain check. We went on to exchange several more TM's that made it obvious that he was in a good mood and eager to meet up. Very different vibe than the last time he wanted to get together when he seemed panicky/guilty. I have a much better vibe going into whatever happens this week. Pull up some pop corn, should be interesting.

Notes to self in advance of seeing him: sloooooow-it---down. No getting too excited over anything good or bad that is said. Validate, validate, validate. And, keep things light, like friends out for lunch saying hello.

Wish me luck (and patience)

[Confluences]

Hey there~

I know easier said than done but based on what you are saying it sounds like you're making all the right moves this week. I'll give you 5 Bonus Points for telling him you were not sure if you could meet him for lunch....that took some serious courage of conviction and belief in DB Principles. Keep us posted on progress because you are inspiring a lot of people right now with your updates and positive outlook. Faith is paying off for you with piece of mind and inner peace knowing that your in control of your actions and reactions.

[slow_it_down]

Thanks for the bonus points Confluences!

Today is playing out like a repeat of a movie I saw in July... You know the one were my H went from really eager to speak to me in person to backing completely off overnight? Ha. Looks like it was a little too bright outside the tunnel yesterday when he asked about lunch because he scampered right back in to his tunnel w/o explanation today.

He just texted to say he's not coming for his stuff today after all and is acting like he wants to get out of getting together for lunch this week. Fortunately I've seen this scene before and know that his behaviors and feelings change DAILY (or by the minute ) so when he asked initially I told him I'd check in later in the week to see if he's still free. Now I'm just going to "forget" to propose a time to get together and move on. When he randomly decides he's interested again we'll start this little movie over again w/ a fresh start. I'm not holding my breathe or doing any legwork to getting together. He's going to have to come to me (and want to do so for more than 30 seconds) if he wants to make plans w/ me in the future.

[Confluences]

Well don't go chasing down his Cheeseless Tunnel and stick to your game plan. I actually had my first interaction with my WAW yesterday for the first time in 6 weeks. I moved my cell phone off her plan and we had to interact in order to get that done. I asked her nothing about how she was doing and just replied that it has been handled. Kind of sad but it was what she wanted so I just got it done.

I feel the same way about making her come back to me but it is simply not about just coming back but getting them to doubt their decision to leave because they realize that you can give them everything they need in a relationship.

When is your due date for your S? That should be a good guide for him wanting to come back around and make an appearance before you have him. Hang in there, you're doing fine.