NERO FLOATING- throw that line.....

[beatrice]

My youngest son was 18 - and I had a very very difficult few years with him. Interestingly he is the one who makes most effort to reconnect with his father.

Initially it delayed his development and then it suddenly spurred him on - he has done amazingly well academically and is now engaged to a fabulous girl. What you can do is provide support, and consistency in a spinning moral world. One reason why I never dated, lived quietly and was always there for them. If one parent is wildly unstable we have to be the calm centre Not fair, but as 25years said - life isn't fair and we were not born in Africa.

[nero]

amen sister...

[nero]

heyhi bea-

funny thing you mention- the sensitivity to sharp remark. me too- seems lately people want to "yell at me". no kidding. i don't h ave those sorts of relationships with anyone i know- family or not. weol, never did before

we don't "have fights" and so on. last year or so tho- have really gotten laced into a few times - by sister, her h? , my neices h, strange stuff. i wonder if they smell weakness or someting (since i'm unusually damaged these last few years) so maybe i'm not exuding confidence- and they smell it.

you know- in the jungle- the weak and wounded are first to go?

i'm being sillyb (kind of) it might be true
anysay- me too, the suspicion of people turning on me and so on.

before allll this - i'd say"what's not to like" ? about myself.

now- idk people are strange and have too much hidden junk- i think

xxiio

[albamarie]

Hi Nero,

People do have too many secrets and now we are forced to have them also.

This forum, our thoughts and misgivings, our mistrust, pretending we don't want to kill h as we smile at him, we are hiding our hearts that once roamed free.

I still think wonder if its easier, more fun and solid to just start a new. Would the innocence come back....never again to this extent we had, but yea, every R deserves it's due trust.

I wouldn't harber feelings of this experience and put it onto another man. I would just be more grown up, and make sure I am present in a mutualy loving R.

Yea so, I do sound good as you say but it's not because of H this H that, he is not running this show, I am and that's why I sound better.

Run your show Nero. Your a strong women, you have options. You don't have to make h your enemy or even argue to do what is best for you, it's not giving up on the R.

I know you know this!

[nero]

hiya man-

i'm tryin to be more forceful.. only thing is - i do what i want- and then i have nothing to be forceful about.

babysitting - this kid is allover - can't concentrateso i'll be back later ifi can-

xxoo hope your day is good.

[albamarie]

For two people to commit to each other, to really love each other, it has to be an act of will, and in that decision two people have to live that decision everyday, even when things are hard and you feel like giving up you have to hang on to that decision, that choice to love each other, even if its only by a thread. Quote

This is what I ask myself...do I have that, and if think no, than my path starts to become clearer.

Not easier to walk it....just easier to chose my direction.

Nero, as one thing gets easier another will get harder. Life would get harder for me to have H leave, but I believe if I make that choice, life would also become easier in so many other ways that it wouldn't matter.

I'm am emotionally led and as long as I am not emotionally met by him I will continue to be unhappy in my own home.

I think you are so smart and well aware of life ahead and it's scary, believe me I know as many here do as well. If your h is holding on by a thread as many of us have said, he keeps coming back to you, than your the one in control.

Don't feel so defeated, you hold more power than you think! Be at peace with going back to NJ, it's your home, and new things will blossom when you plant your new garden of hope because your a good person.

((((()))))) Nero!

[nero]

hiya dwn-

i sure hope you're rite. i do have mixed emotions. i guess the years and years of this being my home and "safe haven" -

i feel at home up there too- differently tho-

it's sure a mixed up bunch of junk - my dopey life has morphed into a wierd thing. too bad huh?

h is being nice - dinner out last two nites- makes me very suspicious. i know, can't even accept a nice gesture anymore - BUT - WHY SO NICE? one has to wonder. so me- always waiting for the other shoe to fall.

i don't accept anything as just face value anymore.

i know nothing is changed - idk- it iss tinky -

I'm am emotionally led and as long as I am not emotionally met by him I will continue to be unhappy in my own home.

this is same with me- i feel bummed to even think of 'ACCEPTING" THIS CRAP LIFE - I'M WAITING, i'm holding my peace- but am i thinking honestly that if this is "all there is" i won't make it forever.

i ws thinking in bed last nite- he's a crap companion- stupid stinking e-mail in bed!!! wtf - what a loser he acts like.

doesn't even "get it" - doesn't care really- equally as bad.

so - like - i don't have anything that makes this r worth having- but i get to (supposedly- what??? clean, & be the housekeeper and cook? ) i dont' think so. oh well huh?

how the heck did "me" get sooooo lost in this mix? i guess ya just don't think about it all on a daily basis - for years and years and years and then ka bam- there you are- wondering where the heck YOU went??? i gotta find me-

she got lost somewhere. heck of a thing isn't it- they get all lost and screwed up and we end up lost too???


xxoo

[RosaLinda]

Hi Nero, I'm catching up with your sitch! Have you returned home?

You are sounding upset and unsettled my friend. I'm trying to regroup with myself and rediscover my old happy trusting peaceful loving self. Well maybe not trusting yet, but contented as heck, right? How about you? 

Nero "how the heck did "me" get sooooo lost in this mix? i guess ya just don't think about it all on a daily basis - for years and years and years and then ka bam- there you are- wondering where the heck YOU went??? i gotta find me"

I think it is because for 38 years we were half of a couple, considered ourselves as part of a team. So much of our self identity was tied up in the fact that we were loved, our husband's wife. 

Now we are deserted. The other half of the team, the other half of ouselves, has gone off half cocked on some crazy journey down a rabbit hole and we're not invited. 

Dawn "I still think wonder if its easier, more fun and solid to just start a new. Would the innocence come back....never again to this extent we had, but yea, every R deserves it's due trust."

No the innocence is gone forever. How stupid to be a 60 year old woman crying  because her innocence is gone. And why would we trust a new person more than we trusted our own Hs?

Nero "so - like - i don't have anything that makes this r worth having- but i get to (supposedly- what??? clean, & be the housekeeper and cook? ) i dont' think so. oh well huh?"

No there's much more to a R than that. Our Hs just aren't capable of giving more of themselves to us right now. But they will again, someday. 

Nero "N h is being nice - dinner out last two nites- makes me very suspicious. i know, can't even accept a nice gesture anymore - BUT - WHY SO NICE? one has to wonder. so me- always waiting for the other shoe to fall."

Why? Why not? You have no self confidence Nero. You are beautiful, wonderful, amusing; why wouldn't your H want to take you out to dinner? Well besides being a crazy MLCer? My H is nice to me a lot, especially over the past few days with my crazy vision. I try to just appreciate the moment, and try not to expect it to continue although that's hard. I'm more apt to get hurt by expecting him to keep acting normal than by expecting the other shoe to drop. 

I am having such trouble seeing my phone. I made the font large but it's still double. I keep hitting the wrong keys to type. 

I hope you can find some peace and happiness back in NJ Nero, and not fall back into you old patterns of being at you mother's beck and call. Go sit in your garden with a cup of tea!

[albamarie]

Nero,

I feel the alone you must feel, every night this week I have been home alone and I don't like it much. I went from a house filled w/4 kids, their friends, an H filled w L and hugs, dinner, ball games to get to, and family movie night, to this junk.

I am grateful for my kids still home and they do a great job of spending time w/me when they can, but it's not they way it was suppose to be. I should be enjoying this time securing a new journey for H and me.

We need to secure new lives for ourselves still, but now as who we are today with all this junk under our belts to carry around and w/o the men we loved.

I have spent 44, 45, and now my 46th year of age dealing with this and I can only feel like it is such a waist of my time. I need to go live, love, laugh, and enjoy this gift of life.

They are crap companions, and losers, and I for one don't know what I would get out of living out my life with him, and I don't want to find out.

This simple fact that we are struggling to find ourselves again tells me that we are on the right track. We're not that lost, we just have to learn to not want what we want anymore, accept that it's gone, and we will resurface.

We have to find ourselves again! I'm actually ok that h is gone, I like having my house to myself, I hate waiting for the other shoe to drop and he comes back. I say one or the other, that's why I say move out, for me!

NEro, when do you go back to NJ, school starts in a few weeks, you said your looking forward to working. I want to give you my contact but not sure how, don't want to break rules. Think about FB, use your name Nero, just even long enough to get in contact, then you can delete it if your uncomfortable.

I am already thinking it's going to be a long winter...because I will be without a SO, it just feels sad. So I need to do something, reach out, work, make friends, like you do.

Linda, innocent is that blind rose colored glasses way we enjoyed our R, it's not at all stupid to be sad for it's loss. Who wants to be in a R where your always wondering or on guard? Not us!

[RosaLinda]

Hi Nero! Are you okay my friend? I miss hearing from you and am a bit worried about you. Have you come to NJ? Is your mom ok? What is going on with your H and the Fat Fvcking Cow?