Thanks for dropping by. Yes this is going great, and I also feel comfortable where I am at also. It is hard when my W is out on the town without me, but it doesn't bother me nearly as much now that we are starting to connect again. I think I have gotten to a level of loving detachment, and know in my heart she will want to spend more time with me later down the road.
Thank you all so much for the encouragement, and water you are abosultely correct. I wish things were moving even faster, but I then realize shes only been home a week today and it is progressing quite nicely.
Postives so far today.
- W made me breakfast and we are still eating together at the table and saying grace.
- W let me hug her while she was at the sink and even let me touch her romanticly when I asked.
- W let me hug her again from behind after I helped her get ready after her shower, and again let me touch her romantically, and even hinted at possibly more fun tonight
- W gave me more than a peck when she left to go run erands.
Things are going so good. I can she is starting to feel connected to me again. She doesn't spend as much time with me as I'd like, but right now my needs are on the back burner as I just want to be connected with her again.
Thanks again for all the support, I'd wouldn't be here without all of you and God.
Goals:
1). DO NOT ASK OR EVEN INSINUATE WANTING INTIMACY!
2). DO NOT LET HER KNOW WHEN YOU ARE DISCOURAGED!
3). NO R TALKS UNLESS ANISSA BRINGS IT UP!
4). DO NOT ASK FOR STATUS CHECK, LOOK FOR POSITIVE BABY STEPS AND AFFIRM THEM WITH HER.
5). CREATE AN ENVIROMENT OF TRUST. DON'T READ INTO THINGS AND TRUST HER AS IF WE HAD A STABLE M.
6). DON'T LET MY FEAR OF HER BEING SOMEONE I MY NOT WANT TO BE WITH CLOUD MY SEEING HER WORKING ON OUR M. DO THIS BY FOCUSING ON THE THINGS SHE DOES THAT MAKE ME FEEL LOVED BY HER.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
Last night didn't go as plan, but I did ok with it. My W was supposed to be home around 7 to have dinner and watch the awards.
I worked on the house in the afternoon (finxing something she cut her foot on) and got finished around 7. 7:30 came and wondered where she was and called her cell. No answer so I left a message: "I honey its me, just wondering when you might be home. I'm hungry and want to know when I should start dinner. Call me."
Well sitting there I figure that if she didn't call I would start dinner soon anyway. At 8:15 I started dinner and texted her I was and would be ready by 8:30. Again no call. So I set the table and had a nice dinner with her plate of food and wine without her.
I was a bit disappointed, but not nearly as upset as I usually would be. When finished I covered her plate and wrote a note for her: "For my loving wife. Love your Baby R"
It was about 10:00 when I went to bed because I was tired and needed to sleep for work. I texted her a quick "goodnite baby luv - R" and went to sleep. She text me back right away and said she was sorry for being late and would be home soon. I replied thats ok just love me extra when you get home. she replied ok.
She came home about midnight. She snuggled up to me and said she was so sorry and thanks for making dinner. She said she is so stupid for not being with her loving husband and she is screwed up. I said you not stupid. She fell asleep laying on my chest (she hasn't done in a long time).
This morning she again appologized and and said it was stupid for her to do that. I asked if she had fun and she said yes. She told me she was at the bar again, and didn't get my message until it was too late. She felt really bad. She told me that she would spend tonight with me and give me undivided attention (she was supposed to go to a hotel to stay for training tues at 8 am). So she said she is going to get up early to go there so she can be with me.
I can tell she is very sincere about being sorry. I think her coming home to see a nice set table with her dinner and a glass of wine must have hit her hard. She even left me a note back on the table: "Reuben, Thank you so much for being such a [u]loving[/u] husband! Dinner you made was good...But it would've been better w/you. Love A"
It made me feel really good to get the note, and she has been lving to me this morning. I also felt good about not giving her a hard time about it, and I think that made her realize even more what she missed by not being with me.
This is a good place, and I think my approach of being as loving as I can, and also secure enough with my loving detachment, is really opening her eyes to the reality of her actions.
We have MC tonight and we'll see how that goes. I hope she opens up more in MC, so its not all me talking.
I also need to do better on some of my goals, I have hinted at being intamate after her hint yest. I need to not do that. My other goals are going well, and I think tonight really showed me the power of them.
Goals:
1). DO NOT ASK OR EVEN INSINUATE WANTING INTIMACY!
2). DO NOT LET HER KNOW WHEN YOU ARE DISCOURAGED!
3). NO R TALKS UNLESS ANISSA BRINGS IT UP!
4). DO NOT ASK FOR STATUS CHECK, LOOK FOR POSITIVE BABY STEPS AND AFFIRM THEM WITH HER.
5). CREATE AN ENVIROMENT OF TRUST. DON'T READ INTO THINGS AND TRUST HER AS IF WE HAD A STABLE M.
6). DON'T LET MY FEAR OF HER BEING SOMEONE I MY NOT WANT TO BE WITH CLOUD MY SEEING HER WORKING ON OUR M. DO THIS BY FOCUSING ON THE THINGS SHE DOES THAT MAKE ME FEEL LOVED BY HER.
Last edited by cruiserrg; 02/09/0404:13 PM.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
I HAVE SOME GREAT NEWS! but you'll have to read to the end to find out.
MC went fairly well yesturday. My W didn't have much to bring up as usual, and I didn't want to bring up my stuff yet (boundry stuff). So MC asked how things were going. MC asked on scale 1-10 how do you feel about your M. I said 6-7, and my W said the same. Then after a bit of talk from MC she actually said more of a 7-8. I was really suprised by this. MC said I must be getting some of my needs met, and I corrected him and said I actually have my needs on the back burner and I am letting W dictate when she spends time with me. MC understood and said W needed that.
W talked about her missing dinner last night and how she felt bad and crappy about it. MC said I handled it great and didn't let it be about me, and W only had herself to look to for her decision. I said yes, I am trying to make our home comfortable and safe for my W to come home to. I hoped it would be more by doing so. MC agreed it was a good thing to do. MC then went into my W feelings about MS and having to take care of her mom for so many years. Then asked me if I uderstood. It was a good discussion.
MC also talked about our different roles, like my W is more short term and doesn't like to plan things, where I am more long term and a planner. MC said that works well for a couple to have those roles, but they need to communicate them and thier thoughts.
As we left the session and I paid, my W gave me a kiss in front of several people. I was even her individual C. It made me feel really good. I later told her this. SHe went her way to run errand and get dinner.
W came home early from errand, which suprised me and she even commented on the fact she was early. We had dinner and a good talk. Then we relaxed most of the night watching TV. I washed her clothes for her to get ready for her 2 nights away for training. Then when we went to bed she snuggled up close to me.
This morning W got up early to get ready to leave. I got up before she left to help her load her stuff. I kissed her good morining and asked how excited she was to go to training for her new job. She said she was. I then told her how proud I was of her and I was excited for her too. She then thanked me and said I was the best on behind her. I asked "yeah?", and she said you are so proud of me and makes me feel really good. She asked if I was going to work out (because I had on what I usually leave in) and I said no. W said ah so you woke up just to take my stuff out for me. I did so and warmed up her van and brushed the snow off.
When I came in she was in the kitchen about to go out the door. She was looking right at me lovingly, and held out her left hand to show me she had her wedding ring on. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! I went up and hugged her and she told me she loved me and we kissed several times and hugged a lot. I thanked her and told her I love her so much, and that is the best thing she could have done for me today. We kissed again and she went off to her training.
I just can't believe it. I haven't even talked about her ring hardly at all. She hinted at it a few times, but I haven't asked her to wear it for so long! It don't know what exactly made her put it on today or why, but I don't care she is wearing it.
The look in her eye to me was like she was saying to me "I love you and want to commit to making our M work." I really felt it and I know we are going to make it through this. We still have a lot of healing to do, but I really feel that with this sign from her and God, that she is here to stay and make this work.
I am happier than I have been for so long. I just had to share and hope you find as much hope in this for your sitchs as it does for me, because I like to read all of your sucesses to give me hope.
Take care and hope your days is as good as mine.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
YOU ARE THE MAN!! I really got chills when I read that. Im so happy for you and dont ever quit working on your marriage! You give me such hope and inspiration. I cant wait to go home and pray my rosary!! I really was inspired by you to get more involved in the church and prayer again. I had the urge but I have not had enough to follow through, but seeing such great results from you and many others, gives such great hope! Best of luck to you!
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
Thanks so much for the replies. I am still beaming from this morning. It makes me feel much better about us being apart for these next 2 nights.
It was so amzing, its been so long since I have seen that look of love in my W's eyes as I did today. I will remember this for the rest of my life. I can't wait for our Aniversay on Valentine's day. It will be 5 years and I have a feeling it'll will be great.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
Not much to update today as I was overnight in Iowa, and my W is overnight in Madison, WI for training (she has to be overnight MTW nights for next 3 weeks).
I did send a nice text: "hope your day and training went great. Thanks you so much for the gift this morning. Call me tonight luv R"
No reply, but I waited all night and she called me just after 9:00. I thought about calling her earlier, but I held off and she called me.
She said she had a long day training. She talked about some of the things she learned and some of the troubles with her day. She also had called her brother and told me about that, we talked about him a bit and her worries about him. She said she missed be (even before I did). I told her I did to, and I thanked her for the wonderful gift (putting her wedding ring back on). Then she said "well I thought what the hell" (this kinda bugged me, but I let it slide. Nothing is going to get me down about her putting her ring back on. Damn this alien talk!) I just said that it really meant a lot to me. SHe wanted to go because she was tired and we paused and both said ILY at the same time. I laughed and said that was cute. Then we said goodbye.
I was good to have her talk more with me, usually I have been the one to carry most conversaions since the bomb. We also talked about our feelings and fears for her brother because of his medical condition. It was a good connecting time. I felt she opened up to me a bit more.
I did go do some shopping for V day and our aniversary. It was a miracle that I found exactly what I wanted just as walking out the store (an old oriental jewlery box). I think it was fate because I didn't expect to find one in that sytle in such good condition. Its like God interviened. I wouldn't have seen it, if the lady behind the counter didn't ask what I was looking for. It was at that moment (while half way up the stairs) that I turned and saw it there. It will be a good memory to go with my W's expression when she sees it.
Another good day, although I miss my W. We'll see if she calls me again tonight.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
Reuben, I am sure this is going to be tough to have her be away from you. Just think that she is probably very stressed out over this new job and training so dont get too upset if she doesnt contact you too much at this time. Im sure she will be very happy when she gets home. Keep it up, you are doing great!
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
I went up and hugged her and she told me she loved me and we kissed several times and hugged a lot. I thanked her and told her I love her so much, and that is the best thing she could have done for me today. We kissed again and she went off to her training.