I have no idea what I'm doing

[RealityTrip]

No worries. I welcome all input. Challenging and supportive. So I read your thoughts yesterday Val, and I spent the evening thinking about it... it helped me on my walk!... got my mind off the heat!

Why am I participating in my W's craziness... I am supposed to be moving on...

So my thoughts were, my W does communicate in the craziest of fashions right now. I could definitely be a little more pulled back. I think I am closer to the fire so to speak because of the... and this is the God's honest truth... satisfaction that I get from the crumbling of the affair. Everyone tells you "they'll never make it" You read, "it's just a fantasy" but somewhere in the back of your mind you FEAR that your spouse's A is different... WHAT IF they are soulmates? I lived so long with the fear and what if's that witnessing them struggle feels like an exhale. I know that is selsfish and not very enlightened but I think it's my truth and I need to own it.

The partial phrase I am "supposed to be moving on" sat heaviest with me. Where am I in this process? What do I really want? Has my determination to save and better my marriage changed? I started my DB path with a purpose. I think the same purpose we all begin with. To bust my own seemingly inevitable divorce. To quote the cover of the book, use the "step by step approach to making my marriage loving again".

What I learned along the way (so far... as I still have so far to travel) is that tools like detachment, self-examination, study, GAL, spirituality, and forum support are not only the tools that will save my marriage but more importantly they are the very things that will sustain me regardless of the outcome of my M.

I would never want my humor, which has always been a coping mechanism for me (I examined it in earlier threads), to overshadow my truth. That I want to save my marriage. I know that I use my humor as a means to maintain a safe distance and level of detachment. To process information as an observer. It has been working. I have not been set to spin by things that in the past would have launched me into orbit. It's perspective that allows me to continue a relationship of some sort with W and objectively assess situations.

So I am comfortable with where I am for now. I think if I feel any bit of fear creep in where W is concerned or feel the let down of unmet expectations, I am prepared to pull the line of defense back when I need to. I have talked at length with my IC about how to support my W in her recovery and water our seeds of reconnection without putting myself in jeapordy. I am so appreciative for your point of view because I do think I was losing sight of some of that by getting caught up in the bonfire of it all. So thank you my friend.

While I am here... UPDATE:
I woke this morning to a private message sent to me by W while I was sleeping.

"I love u and I miss u. I miss our life together. We had something really special that no one else can even come close to. I f*cked all that up for nothing. I am sorry. I am not worthy of u or ur love. I think we had the best situation/relationship possible and I made the most stupid mistake of my life. I think that I am where I am because I deserve the heartache and pain I am experiencing. I love u RT. I hope one day u will forgive me. xo"

I am absorbing that this morning. ((((((((((HugsFriends))))))))))))))