Wow, Marcs advice was really great. I did re read your thread and am trying to prepare myself for H to hopefully come home. He hasn't said when he is thinking it will be. Didn't have time to talk to him today about it, so I am hoping tomorrow.
Maybe I should wait though, looking back Friday nights are my worst DB nights.
I think it is great that W came home early too. She WANTED to be there with YOU. If she didn't she would of stayed with freinds. Keep the R talk in check, she came home to you. Now is the time to make it an environment she wants to continue coming home to. I think you are doing really well, but you are right I don't think the DB will ever end. If it keeps our M together and us happy it will be worth the sacrifice.
Thanks for the reply. I do need to step back and not look through lenses shaded in fear. My W is making a lot of big steps and I do see them. I just have to keep my fears in check. I think I will add a goal or two to deal with these!
Last night went really well. She suggested in the morning we go back to her favorite hangout and have pizza. She got home later that I thought, which made me a bit nervous, but I fought the temptation to call. I actually prayed a rosary and she came home while I was praying! She had been running erands and doing some shopping.
I helped her bring her stuff in and put things away. She thanked me and gave me a hug and kiss. I asked her how her day went on the way and she told me what she did all day. She even mentioned she was at her MF's house having coffee with him and a GF. I has fears through the day she was alone with him, but didn't ask. It settled my fears down.
The night was fun with some good chit chat. She did ask me before we went into the bar to not be clingy in the bar like I was last time. I said ok. I said I thought you liked public affection, and she said just not right now. One thing that was interesting was she brought up a quiz her C asked her to take. It had blocks of questions on different subjects. She said she felt good about the self-esteem ones, but she broke down answering the ones about love. I asked what she meant by broke down. She said crying while answering them. She couldn't remember the exact ?s, but said it dealt with the need to feel loved by someone and another about needing to love someone. I asked if they talked about it, she said no but were going to the next session. She even said she was going to try to get one next week since her next one was 2 weeks away. I then told her that I love her so much. And she said I know and I love you 2.
It felt really good to hear her open up some to me. She didn't go into much detail on her feelings, but what little she told me I think says a lot.
When we got home, I asked how I was being not clingy. She said that I did great and appreciated it. I then asked if there was anything I did that she didn't like, and she said no. We did have a touchy moment when her MF called, it was about 10:15. Afterward she told me he was just checking up on her to be sure she wasn't on the road and coming over (it was snowing out). I said interesting. My W then said a bit adimetly "don't read into things". I said I was sorry I gave her that impression, I wasn't trying to read into things. She also told me about another MF that is married and has a crush on another woman. She said her MF that called was joking that he should be devious and go after the other MF's W. She said he was just joking, and I responded that just ins't cool since the married MF has a kid. She agreed and again said he was drunk and just joking.
I think things went fairly well, and there was some good positive baby steps. She did say that tonight she was going out with friends and didn't want me to come along. I said ok and that I had possible plans. I asked if she would be coming home that night and she said yes, and I told her I would also. It does make me nervous that when she goes out with MFs that she doesn't want me around yet. I kinda indicated that at one point, and she said you know some of my firends, and she will bring me around sometime. It gave me a bit of reassurance, but its hard to deal with these fears sometimes.
Goals: 1). DO NOT ASK OR EVEN INSINUATE WANTING INTIMACY!
2). DO NOT LET HER KNOW WHEN YOU ARE DISCOURAGED!
3). NO R TALKS UNLESS ANISSA BRINGS IT UP!
4). DO NOT ASK FOR STATUS CHECK, LOOK FOR POSITIVE BABY STEPS AND AFFIRM THEM WITH HER.
5). CREATE AN ENVIROMENT OF TRUST. DON'T READ INTO THINGS AND TRUST HER AS IF WE HAD A STABLE M.
6). DON'T LET MY FEAR OF HER BEING SOMEONE I MY NOT WANT TO BE WITH CLOUD MY SEEING HER WORKING ON OUR M. DO THIS BY FOCUSING ON THE THINGS SHE DOES THAT MAKE ME FEEL LOVED BY HER.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
Great Job!! You are learning very quickly how to deal with this which is great since she hasnt been home too long. You want her to remain happy at home. It was a great idea to pray the rosary while you waited too!
See how she told you all about her day without you asking her? I have had the same success. It seems when we ask them, no matter how innocent, they can look at it as we are spying on them or dont trust them. But when we dont ask, they sometimes open up to us and its a great feeling! That shows the trust they are getting for us again. Especially if they feel they can tell us about their Man friends!
I am still trying to deal with her friendship with a guy friend and not to let it get to me. It is one of the hardest fears to conquer but we must be strong!
I like reading your posts because it sounds so similiar to my own. Maybe you can come by my post sometime and give me some feedback. Thanks! keep it up!
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
Thanks again for the reply. I don't have much time as I am just leaving for an outing with a friend. I would suggest you read JJ's post in my other thread here about when WAs come home, he has some really good insight into the "new Firends".
I will drop by your thread and catch up and see what tips I can give you. But mainly praying is what helps the most.
Take care, I will post over there this weekend.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
As I have posted on others threads tonight I am low on advice. PMA isn't down, I think I'm just tired.
I wanted to say Hi and that I think you are doing great. Your W is starting to open up to you! Just wanted to offer my encouragment. I hope you had a good time with your freinds tonight.
Thanks for stopping by. Yeah I think things are going good. I had a great time with my buddy last night and met some new people. We went to a hockey game and saw a concert afterward.
My W went out with friends, so it was good for me to get out. I texted her while there to tell her I was thinking of her. When I got home late, she wasn't home yet. I worried a bit that she might not come home. I texted her my usual "goodnite baby, luv r". She likes it when I do. And about an hour later she came home. (A message like that seems to do the trick to draw her home )
It was nice because she kissed me and told me she loved me without me saying it! She said she was sorry for being out so late, and thanked me for the nice messages. We talked a bit before falling asleep. I told her about my night. She told me about her's. She wa upset they didn't go out to the new resturant like they planned, but asked if we could go today. She also mentioned a conversation they had that I would like, I sai really?. She told me they were talking about how good people deserve having good people in thier lives. She mentioned about the MF she stayed with being so depressed and bringing her down again.
I got the feeling she was telling me that she is realizing what she has here with me. She even mentioned this morning that she feels that her staying away was to learn what she has here is worth it.
I am feeling great today with how things went. I even kissed my W before she got in the shower, and she smiled like she used to when in love with me. I think its going really well. I hope we can keep progressing like this without too many setbacks.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
Thought I would add some more since today is going so well. Its lifting my spirits and I hope I can share some of my joy.
My W and I went for breakfast, and she kissed me before we left. We had a nice meal and some good conversation. The hard thing for me was see got a call from a MF (she was with him A LOT yesterday) and she said we were having breakfast. He must have asked her over, because she said she would drop by afterward and hang out. I bit my tongue and let it slide, but my mind was wondering why she spends so much time with him on his day off, but not me. Oh well I figured I was with her now so make the best of it.
Then after we finished I was playing with my wedding ring (I do this a lot), and she commented about her ring on her wedding finger about getting resized for another finger for when she puts her wedding ring back on. Then a bit later she reached out and held both my hands in hers and said you are so cute and ILY so much, and I meant it when I said it last night. It made me feel so good. She said we are reconnecting and its going good. She said she does need her space sometimes for now. I told her I understood, and I need to be with her sometimes. I said we need to come together to make it work for both of us and she agreed. She also told me that personal touch for her right now needs to be on her terms. I told her I understood and told her that I would let her come to me, and had been doing so for sometime and she agreed. She did insinuate that it will change but for now thats how she felt. I thanked her for telling me and opening up to me. She keeps opening up more each day and we are talking very well together about us, and she usually brings it up as I try to stay away from R talks. I'm just letting her come to me with her feelings and I think its working to listen and validate. I feel she is becoming more comfortable in sharing which is so good.
We even talked about taking a cruise for a vacation, and on the way out she grabed a home shopper (we had been looking for a new home before the bomb).
We then went to get groceries together and she said she really like it when we go together. We continued our ritual and got a new CD that she picked out. In the checkout she wanted some cin. mints, so I got them and said she can kiss me with her after she had a mint.
We got home and she thanked me for everthing this morning, and we got stuff for breakfast tomorrow to eat in so she will be her tonight again.
The best part of today (so far) was when she asked me to move over on the couch, and sat down with me. She leaned up next to me to snuggle and she said ILY. She looked at me and kissed me more passionately than we have had since she left newyears. It was wonderful and a great moment we said we needed to do more of.
I am beaming from ear to ear. I didn't even get to ruffled with her leaving to see her MF (Thanks JJ for the advice in my other thread). And she said she wanted to play things by ear today. I told her I would be around here except for going to church and if she wanted to see me to call and I'd be up for whatever. She said she would call and keep me in the loop.
Things are going so well. I even overheard a conversation with her best friend in Detroit and she told her we were doing good and working things out. She told her she had a lot of hope for us. It made my day. I hope it even gets better each and every day.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
What a wonderful job at DB'ing your doing!! You definatly get 4 gold stars!
Quote: Then after we finished I was playing with my wedding ring (I do this a lot), and she commented about her ring on her wedding finger about getting resized for another finger for when she puts her wedding ring back on. Then a bit later she reached out and held both my hands in hers and said you are so cute and ILY so much, and I meant it when I said it last night. It made me feel so good. She said we are reconnecting and its going good. She said she does need her space sometimes for now. I told her I understood, and I need to be with her sometimes. I said we need to come together to make it work for both of us and she agreed.
Ok, this brought tears to my eyes!
WOW! So many positives! I know if that were me, I would be wanting to get way way ahead of myself and wanting more and more faster. Watch for that and hang on.
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