I find my "no control" is also "control" in disguise sometimes. Carefully thought out options are still options that I have put on the table....
Bitterness is tough...I would like to say I have none and most of the time I am right. But it creeps in when I have those days Less and less though. it is weird as I move closer to H, that what he does affects me less. Don't ask, haven't unpacked it, but thinking that he is being friend zoned ever so slowly by my heart.
I can see how you felt that way about your Thanksgiving issue, and I'll take your experiences into consideration as I muddle through with my situation. It's all still very new to me to operate as two separate parents.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
It's been a couple of weeks. I lurk but don't have that much to say.
I took S15 and his friend and S13 to the beach of their choice, 7-1/2 hour drive, rented a condo right on the beach, had a very good time. Each day there was something really fun about it. Interspersed with long stretches of teenageriness. I felt my alone-ness strongly at times, because having another non-hormonal adult can help lift you back up when the crazy people get you down. I feel like I've been doing the heavy lifting for a while and it sometimes gets me down. I did really enjoy being with my boys at the beach though. S13 really enjoys being by himself so he was pretty psyched that after enjoying the waves some, I didn't force him to stay outside with us. S15 and his friend really enjoyed getting to be out on the beach at night and having a little bit of freedom, and also I took them fishing and let them drive the boat I rented. By the way, renting a boat was a little scary for me...I've only ever been a passenger; it was fun and I will do it again. We had a little tiff over going to the nascar speedway bumper cars...they saw the lines from outside and refused to go in even though I had already paid for the tickets. We negotiated a compromise and they agreed to wake up eeeeaaaarllly (9:30) on Sunday morning to go on the way home. Wow did that work out great, they turned out to be right. It would have been such a bummer standing around in lines in the humid heat and instead we got in two solid hours of no line bumper car driving. By the way, don't ever do that before you get on the road into beach traffic for the next 8 hours, it's just not kind to yourself. I was kind of banking on S15's friend sharing some of the driving since he has his learners permit but his mom said no.
I was also very proud of my resiliency because I found out at 9:30pm the night before we left, my car wouldn't start. I was going to get gas for the trip so we could leave at the crack of dawn. So instead of packing I got on priceline and found myself a deal on a rental, and finagled a ride over to the service station and then the airport to pick up my rental, and the crisis was averted by 11:30pm. At crack of dawn we piled into the rental car and enjoyed a troublefree ride. The kids now think I should buy a Kia Optima for my next car.
I did fine on the trip but had a couple of blue days after I got home. I'm just happier sharing my life with a companion, and the 15 year old variety are much more emotional resource-takers than givers. I'm not alone, but I'm alone. I don't always feel bad about that, most of the time I just feel and acknowledge it and move along. This time I had a convenient IC appointment and really worked it through. She was of the opinion that while my current loneliness is somewhere around a 6 or 7, I got hit with a 10 earthquake of emotion built up of years of being really really lonely in my marriage and not admitting it to myself or anyone.
My IC suggested that I might also be feeling afraid that I might not find someone else. I quickly denied that; I feel quite sure that when I want to be with someone else I will. But later we circled back around to that as I realized my certainty comes from the fact that I am so accommodating, so need-less, so OK with whatever scraps, that of course I could be with anyone. Realizing that's why it seems so easy and obvious to me...and that that would be unacceptable, I came around to realizing that it really might not be easy. I have learned I have needs that I can't just bury, and that it's going to take more work than I'm used to, learning to negotiate that with new people and walk away from the ones who can't...negotiate conflict, do something that's not high on their list just because it's high on mine, take initiative to plan/dream/express, a whole bunch of things my H never did. Never had to because I did it for the both of us or suppressed what I wanted. I don't know, my IC said something about how I get up at 5am to walk on the beach so I can get what I need before the others wake up and my day goes toward what they want to do. She said someone might want to get up and walk the beach with me, and I just about lost it. It's unimaginable to me, that someone might like what I like, not ridicule it, not merely tolerate it. Like waking up early, looking at the sky, going for walks, listening to weird music and podcasts and discussing them, reading.... wow all those things I have done on the sly like they're something to be embarrassed of.
Anyway, I didn't think I had that much to say about myself, I guess I did. Point is, I worked through how I felt, and why I felt it so strongly for those couple of days, and I think I have more realistic ideas about how and whether and when I might be with someone else, and how I'll be OK anyway, even if I'm not ever with someone else.
I told IC she's been telling me for 2 years that it's important to feel feelings, and I've been fighting a lifetime of what's the point when they won't change anything anyway. This was a good example I brought to her, because I was really trying to feel them, and measure them, and work them through, and I wasn't feeling any better. So what was the point. We brainstormed some things you do when what you need just isn't going to happen right now. It comes back to taking care of yourself, being among friends, getting exercise, yada yada. So ok, I went for another hike on the A.T. Ate some brownies. Went to another Families Anonymous meeting. Made some plans. I'll get by.
Still, didn't come here to talk about me. Came here to talk about S15 and boys missing their dads and dads who don't have a clue what their sons need and want.
S15 doesn't talk much, but he was chattier than usual because he needed clothes. I drove him to the mall and followed him around, having flashbacks of my mom doing the same with me. How ever did she stand it? You're like a second class citizen. If you pick something up, it becomes the last thing they would wear. If you express a favorable opinion, same. Don't look like you're together, that's embarrassing. Anyway, it wasn't thaaaaat bad, I'm exaggerating but only just a little. I tried to be just as "there" with him as he was ok with, and we had a reasonably nice time together even though he spent a lot of time wandering around because he is very very picky about what he wears these days.
Anyway, H came up often in S's conversation. I was kind of surprised. First of all, H had emailed me that morning pictures of a truck his coworker is selling, stick shift, really old, really low price, and what did we all think of it for a backup truck. I was a bit confused so I asked if he was thinking of me buying it, because I didn't feel like I had money for a backup truck atm. No, he said, he'd buy it, thought it would be good for the kids to drive. (In a YEAR from now? okay whatever). He emailed it to me and the two boys, but S15 never reads email because his friends only text, so I told him about the truck. H wanted to know what they thought. S thinks it's a dumb idea. He doesn't want to drive stick, he doesn't want a truck. He said Dad thinks he is always right. (true, this is just another thing like the shirts and the shoes that H will likely just buy and plop down for S15 and S15 studiously avoids them all, but a truck is a big thing to have this battle of the wills over, and I might just point out to H that if it's for him-H then fine but don't count on S15 appreciating if he doesn't have a say in his first car. To which H will say, well he's a spoiled entitled brat and I never had a say in anything and I was grateful for what I got blah blah blah). Anyway, I just listened to S mostly. I don't know if H'll buy the truck or not. I'll be a little unhappy to have it parked in front of my house for a year before anyone needs it, but I feel like whatever about that. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
More about the shoes. H bought S some blue shoes. S liked them but they didn't fit. H had also bought himself some - very loud red and yellow shoes, very very loud. Well H returned S15's blue shoes and lo a box appeared on our doorstep with the right size but red and yellow shoes. I knew S15 would hate them. He just said whatever, they're just for running, don't worry about it whatever. But they sat in their box on the mailstation in the front hallway for months. So on our shopping trip S tells me he needs shoes.
Really? What about the ones dad got? S says, I'm not a clown, I won't wear clown shoes. And, he said, you would THINK after 15 YEARS of knowing me he'd know to ASK me what I like. (I know, I really know that about my s, and I'm sad that H is like that. I just didn't know what to say, so I kept listening.) Anyway, I got S15 some shoes he picked out, a couple of pairs of shorts, two t-shirts, was all the clothing in the entire mall that he would wear. OMG I always hated shopping, I had a lot of trouble picking out clothes and my mom was annoying, so this brought flashbacks of many kinds. I should go shopping more often with S15 to wear off the sense of importance I was giving everything, or have two glasses of wine first. Then let him be embarrassed by me! What. Ever.
Anyway, he did talk to me. He actually talked about H a little. He got spoiled a little. He got listened to. I think it was ok.
He's averse to anything that might be "gay." He didn't want the "gay" colorful shoes. A whole bunch of stores at the mall, apparently you have to be gay to shop there. I'm not trying to offend, I know our message board is diverse. My kid's going through a rather homophobic phase and of course the elephant in the room is he suspects his dad is gay. He knows my values because we've talked about them since they were small, that I don't care if you love a man or woman, the world has bigger problems than to get worried about that. But along with uncontrollable burping and farting, and chewing tobacco, this is one of those unpleasant habits my S has taken on for the time being. I think mostly he's insecure about sexuality, who isn't at his age?
I do feel like there's probably some book somewhere that says I should try to make him wear the red and yellow shoes, but I think he would rather go barefoot first, and I just want to get him through this phase. Somehow H has to learn to stop plopping things down and expecting everyone to fall in line.
S13 got out those shoes and told me he wants them for when he grows into them. So I don't have to try to sell them on craigslist. I had asked H if they were his size did he want them and got all testy with me about how spoiled S15 is so I ended the conversation and said I'd handle it. I don't want to undermine H, and I don't want to feel like I'm competing with him for best parent. I just want the kid to have back to school shoes that he likes.
I was short on wise advice for S15, but some of the things I've read have said a kid can arrive at answers if he's listened to and respected as if he has good judgment of his own to apply. You don't have to have all the answers. I'm hoping that's true, cause I sure don't.
Anyway, it's been literally weeks I think since there's been any evidence of pot, unruly kids, alcohol, sneaking in or out at 3am. I feel like I've been on vacation. I'm happy.
H has apparently moved to a room in someone's house 10 miles away; I don't know if he's going to invite the kids there sometime. He came to drop off a desk and chair and the lawnmower. It was my birthday but he didn't acknowledge it. The toilet had gotten stopped up and he was hovering over my shoulder all "left is loosen" and "here do it like this" with the water shut-off and the plunger and I couldn't take it anymore so I handed him the plunger and exited the bathroom. He obviously wanted to do it himself so I let him. I am so sick and tired of him treating me like a moron. And I was stunned that after almost 25 years he didn't know my freakin birthday.
Oh my S15 bought me a card all on his own and got S13 to sign it too, and his two other friends, they wrote sweet messages in it. I love those kids. I am unreasonably thrilled about that card. I had a great birthday and did all things I wanted to do. going to update my age now, happy birthday to me .
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Happy Birthday adinva. Glad you had a great time with the kids.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Happy birthday! I love this post. You are a great mom to those kids and I admire the fact that you rented a BOAT!
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Especailly when you have never driven/captained one before. Aye aye Captain Adinva
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Less and less though. it is weird as I move closer to H, that what he does affects me less. Don't ask, haven't unpacked it, but thinking that he is being friend zoned ever so slowly by my heart.
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