I think that fact that it is so natural with my XW is what makes it so scary.
But you are right. I am fixated with what's the long run because I fear that I will waste my time and I don't want that.
It's funny how much time is a good thing now. I feel like I learn more and more about myself everyday as I sit with these stupid uncomfortable feelings.
Things feel calmer about my X. I haven't heard from her in awhile but with her gram passing and her mom coming into town, things are probably hectic for her.
And I'm not really upset about it or sad that she's not reaching out to me.. So that's growth.
The trick will be my conversation. Part of me thinks it would be good to cancel and just keep on keeping on as is.. but I feel like that even though I don't know exactly what I want from my X, I do know what I don't want.. as I've stated a bazillion times.
And if anything - expressing that and not straying from it - and letting her make the decision - would be a new dynamic for us.
Hiking date with new friend went really well. We had a nice chat about me feeling a little vulnerable with her. When I said that it was my BS to work through that her flakiness brought up insecurities about not being valued, she responded with that it wasn't just my battle.
That she knows it bothers me, she wants to change it (for many reasons not just me) and that it frustrates her because I am actually one person who she wants to make more time for. She even told me she got a new calendar to help.
I got a flat tire on the way home and we joked about how my jeep doesn't like her. I was surprised when she called me later to make sure everything was okay.
So I'll take that as all good signs. It still feels more than a friendship with her at times.. but I'm trying to be patient with her, but mostly myself. I believe there will come a time where I will say - "that's a very relationship thing of you to say and do"
But that's not today or anytime soon. For now - it's just one day at a time.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
