I admire the candidness in your recent posts. I agree with Wonka and how he pointed out you should ditch the word "manipulation" from thinking. I can see why, given what has happened in your relationship, that you are extra cautious in your interactions with your XW, but I also think it probably makes you act a bit unnaturally as well. Perhaps interactions with the XW seem so weighted is because you are fixated on what it means for the long run? I know I struggle with this kind of thinking. You don't need to decide right away what it means and take your time figuring out what YOU want with the XW. Until then, maybe you can adjust your thinking to more short-term rather than long term and remind yourself that a positive or negative interaction with the XW will not determine the course of your relationship because you have not decided yet what course you would like to be on.
As for your New Friend, I'm glad that after you mentioned your fear about being blown off by her, you balanced it out with a rational thought (ie maybe she's been less accessible because she's in the middle of writing 3 huge papers). I think doing this is a good practice when you are feeling insecure to keep you grounded!
I think that fact that it is so natural with my XW is what makes it so scary.
But you are right. I am fixated with what's the long run because I fear that I will waste my time and I don't want that.
It's funny how much time is a good thing now. I feel like I learn more and more about myself everyday as I sit with these stupid uncomfortable feelings.
Things feel calmer about my X. I haven't heard from her in awhile but with her gram passing and her mom coming into town, things are probably hectic for her.
And I'm not really upset about it or sad that she's not reaching out to me.. So that's growth.
The trick will be my conversation. Part of me thinks it would be good to cancel and just keep on keeping on as is.. but I feel like that even though I don't know exactly what I want from my X, I do know what I don't want.. as I've stated a bazillion times.
And if anything - expressing that and not straying from it - and letting her make the decision - would be a new dynamic for us.
Hiking date with new friend went really well. We had a nice chat about me feeling a little vulnerable with her. When I said that it was my BS to work through that her flakiness brought up insecurities about not being valued, she responded with that it wasn't just my battle.
That she knows it bothers me, she wants to change it (for many reasons not just me) and that it frustrates her because I am actually one person who she wants to make more time for. She even told me she got a new calendar to help.
I got a flat tire on the way home and we joked about how my jeep doesn't like her. I was surprised when she called me later to make sure everything was okay.
So I'll take that as all good signs. It still feels more than a friendship with her at times.. but I'm trying to be patient with her, but mostly myself. I believe there will come a time where I will say - "that's a very relationship thing of you to say and do"
But that's not today or anytime soon. For now - it's just one day at a time.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
The fact that you're not stressing about hearing from your ex (or what it means) is definite growth! And just remember that even if there are times when you do stress, that it doesn't take away from your overall progress. We all take a few steps back on this crazy journey.
I also think it's great that you've been firm about what you want (or rather, don't want) in your new relationship with your Ex. I think--and please correct me if I'm wrong--that you mentioned having a difficult time speaking up in your relationship in the past? Either way, I think it's fantastic that you are being up front and honest about your needs, so that way you don't put yourself second anymore. You deserve to put yourself first!
It sounds like things went well with your new friend!! You were honest (and vulnerable) and it sounds like she responded the same, bringing you two a little closer than before. I think that's fantastic!
It's been a he!! of a week. A great deal of time has been spent looking deep in the mirror. It hasn't been pleasant.. not. one. bit.
I've made some decisions and I have committed to them.
I've decided with new friend (call her NF so people don't get confused) that I am going to stop initiating contact. That does not mean that I won't be loving and responsive when she does contact me. That doesn't mean that I won't say yes when she asks to make plans... I just realized that I was being an enabler.
By reaching out most of the time, I am enabling NF to stay exactly where she is. She struggles with flakeness. She struggles with making plans.. how does me making all the plans and contacts help her? It doesn't.
It also just makes it frustrating to me. As if me reaching out all the time teaches her anything. There is a time to teach people how you want to be treated. And there is a time to just accept that they can't treat you that way.. and adjust.
I am adjusting.
I may never serve as a person who inspires that change in her life. That is okay. But I need to move forward still.
This has been difficult as there have been lots of funny moments and things I've wanted to share. It's been painful.
And the pain continues as I have scheduled a meeting with X for this Saturday.. in which I will asking for distance.
She has confirmed her g/f (not by me asking) and it has been the final 2x4 that I needed to realize that I am not healed.
Our communication has brought up so many triggers for me. Although I realize that these are things that I need to deal with. Dealing with them this often and about so many issues - really has taken a toll on my emotions.
I am still standing. I refuse to blame XW and use my victim mindset to stop me from growing... but I need to do it on my timeline not hers.
And there is a difference between blaming someone and holding them accountable.
We cannot have this simple friendship that she is portraying. As if nothing happened. She broke her trust with me. Although the forgiveness has happened and I know the bridge can be mended.. It will NEVER be the same.. and it can't appear from nowhere.
It would be one thing if I thought she was acting with the attitude "Val, I broke your trust - how I can I repair it".. but I don't think that is her truth. Even if it was - I still don't know if I am ready for it.
I think her truth is that she misses me and when that is strong enough, she reaches out.
I am a ghost to her. Not kept in the past, but not in her present.
I can't be a ghost. It enables her to stay exactly where she is. To not make the decision to earn my trust but to think that what we share now is okay.
It seems that I am back in the trenches of my divorce where time and time again - I was showing XW how she couldn't treat me. Time and time again - I had to show her tough love.
And maybe what is ^^^^ can be read as me trying to teach these ladies something..
But it's not about teaching them something. It's about teaching ME something. That enabling folks is not supporting them. Accepting their behavior does not mean playing into it.
It's about me re-teaching myself that enabling folks are NOT loving actions.
It's about me going back to loving the Sh!t out of folks and sometimes that means making the hard uncomfortable decisions that are ahead of me.
The last 24 hours I was frustrated with myself that I had slipped back into my "co-dependent" mindset.
But I remind myself that you can't have the Phoenix without the fire.. and I'm just not out of the fire yet.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Lots of good inner work. I'm sorry to hear the GF confirmed.
Quote:
I have scheduled a meeting with X for this Saturday.. in which I will asking for distance.
Maybe it's just me, but that's a message so mixed that I can't imagine she'll take away what you hope she will.
It reminds me of the time, years ago, an X was irritated with me and, I guess, ignoring me. I didn't notice, which bugged the heck out of her. She got all in my face and announced, rather loudly, "I'm ignoring you!" I couldn't help laughing. Fortunately, she saw the humor in it, too.
But, that's probably not the effect you're aiming for...
