The Show Must Go On

[reachingHigher]

Hi BrightFuture! I love the name! It's uplifting!

I read the last few posts on this page. My H did the polite and kind communications also then switched and started the business tones. It makes you scratch your head and go, "huh?"

I do agree that picking some topic that is innocuous and having a little joke is a good idea, even if the town-name joke sunk!

Your sitch does sound a lot like mine. Our H's liked us but want to see what else is out there.

My H ended up coming back to tell me he looked and found nothing that would be better than the qualities I have. One of my friends thought that was reason enough to D him! Like why do they have to do that searching? It reeks of making us sound like a doormat!

But I really think these MLC sitches are very complicated and wrapped up with ego, with grief, with growth and therefore this "searching" isn't REALLY to find a better mate, fat or not. It's an internal drive they can't control.

So, take heart in the fact lots of folks think you're a nice person. What a great thing to say about someone. May your H recognize that soon

[BrightFuture]

Wonka, thanks for the insights. Before, even when my H was upset with something in life, he would still be polite. Yes, sometimes he would say or do something rude, but he would apologize later. With the texts, I’m thinking he has time to process his feelings and not act on impulse.
You are right though, that I don’t know what he is up to and what kind of upsets he is having in his life. It is hard to do DBing long distance.

rH, thanks for stopping by. So, your H did the same thing, switching from the kind and polite to business like communication. It is good to know.

My H is looking for someone who has the qualities that he likes in me, minus the qualities he doesn’t like. Like my negativity (I fixed that one already), jealousy and mistrust in his social activities, you know, with the female friends. He wants a fun bar buddy, like “one of the boys” (his words to this Mexican girl he tried to have a R with), but at the same time independent, responsible, trustworthy, supportive, feminine, not too fat, not nagging, not judgmental, not jealous, secure enough in her mind and body so she would be OK with his playboy magazine... At the same time she would accept him the way he is – drinking every day, hanging out at the bars with questionable crowd, rarely complimenting her, trying to do the single guy activities, requiring the toothpaste being squeezed out in certain way… Oh, just read all these and now thinking “Why do I want him?”

I always had lots of compliments from other guys and people in general. But, it seems that some of these compliments annoyed him sometimes. I think it is because his own insecurities. He never showed it though. I think this man lost his pride, and now is searching for something easy and instantly rewarding. He might be disappointed though.

[mizjjd]

Hi BF!

I am short on time but wanted to stop by for a quick hello!

Remember that our H's are unhappy, and feel they cannot be to blame for that unhappiness so it must be......... US!

Lol. It is because we are too fill-in-the-blank and if ONLY they were with the PERFECT girl they'd be PERFECT too!

Its all insanity of course. Painful, soul wrenching insanity.

Keep breathing BF, and take care of yourself

[Portia]

Hi Bright,

I will sneak this one in before you have to start a new thread.

If you want to try a true, pure experiment in a bit with a joke or friendly e-mail, next time do not mix it up with business. It may have been your joke that caused him to reply so quickly. I was a Science major, so with experiments, the more you can isolate the "active" elements, the better you can determine which one will blow up.

And my $0.04 worth is that instead of reacting to his tone and following the rude/short - keep your communications, even about business, consistent and polite - you be the steady one. It is more and more difficult to be rude to someone who is not being rude or angry in return.

I hear how frustrating this is, Bright. I know it well. In the end, no matter what advice we give, it is you who has to follow her heart. If you do that, there is no wrong answer especially at this stage in the game.

[RosaLinda]

Hi my Bright! Just catching up on your sitch. I didn't realize that you and your H never lived apart for more than 2 or 3 weeks, and that he always came home every second weekend or so. This separation must be REALLY hard on you.

I'm not sure that he means to be rude or curt in his texts. Text messages are so short, maybe that's why he did not say "would you please" instead of just demanding and stopped writing your name? I don't think my H EVER wrote my name in a text, and usually writes "K" and rarely "T" which I assume means thank you. Maybe your H was just having a hard day. Like you are, every day is a hard day, due to him, but that's another story!

I agree with Wonka, J, rH and Portia that you would be better to keep your messages light and fun like you were, and not follow his lead and respond "dry and short." Have you ever considered writing something like "hope all is well with you" or something like that? Or do you think it would be too pursuing? I know it's hard to be polite and sweet to someone who is ripping your heart out, but you don't have to answer right away either. Give yourself time to get over his tone if it bothers you. I often write nasty emails to my H and especially nasty ones to RT, which I delete and never send! But it makes me feel a lot better and gets my hurt off my chest.

"My H is looking for someone who has the qualities that he likes in me, minus the qualities he doesn’t like. Like my negativity (I fixed that one already), jealousy and mistrust in his social activities, you know, with the female friends. He wants a fun bar buddy, like “one of the boys” (his words to this Mexican girl he tried to have a R with), but at the same time independent, responsible, trustworthy, supportive, feminine, not too fat, not nagging, not judgmental, not jealous, secure enough in her mind and body so she would be OK with his playboy magazine... At the same time she would accept him the way he is – drinking every day, hanging out at the bars with questionable crowd, rarely complimenting her, trying to do the single guy activities, requiring the toothpaste being squeezed out in certain way… Oh, just read all these and now thinking “Why do I want him?” crazy"

Well and what kind of success do you think he's going to find in THAT search? Don't worry my dear, when he wakes up from his MLC, he will realize all the great changes you have made in yourself, and that you really are the woman of his dreams. IF YOU decide that you still want him after all this time. It is entirely up to you! But I think you do, as you are still Standing here with the rest of us dopes!

[bustingout]

Hi Bright - just stopping by to lend my support. FWIW my H fluctuates between the polite and this business tone - and downright rude compared to what he used to be and what he still is with others.

Thinking of you xxx

[BrightFuture]

Mizjjd, Portia, RL and busting, thank you for your opinions and kind words.

It is good to know that my H is not the only one who fluctuates between being polite and business like.

He cannot blame me for his unhappiness any longer. I’m not there with him, I don’t ask him for anything, I don’t resist D, I don’t blame him, I left him alone to do whatever he wants.

Portia, I’m a science major too, but I never thought about my sitch as a science experiment. You got me thinking, hehe. You are right, I probably need to stay nice and polite in all communication with him. I was never rude or angry, but sometimes I’m short and dry. I don’t feel like going extra mile sometimes, when I’m not in the mood.

Linda, I know that it will be very difficult for H to find someone who would even remotely resemble what he had with me. But I don’t know if I’m standing anymore. After 1 year he has shown no interest in me and it doesn’t look like he is missing me. The other day I was so angry at myself for still thinking about him and having hopes. He is looking for another partner and even if he doesn’t find one and realizes that what he had was the best, he will not back off from his decision easily. He is very stubborn. Also, I don’t want just to be plan B, I want more than that. I deserve better.

I don’t know if he wakes up from this. I’m starting to doubt that he is in MLC at all. I’ve been reading and re-reading everything about MLC – about the stages, signs, depression, etc. He doesn’t fit into the majority of it. He is not angry with me, he is not trying to trigger me, he is not spending money. He is actually pretty accommodating and nice towards me. If you remember from my story, he moved out of the condo so I could stay there when I came to spend a few days in our vacation place. He signed off the house to me. So, it might be that he just was not happy with me, and that is it.

I guess I have to start a new thread soon, this one filled up already.

[RosaLinda]

That is interesting that you think H might not be in a MLC after all. I have not read up on the WAH, if it was discussed in Divorce Remedy I guess I just skimmed over it. Did you speak to a counselor or DB coach in the past? If so, what was their feeling about it?

I am sort of ashamed to admit this Bright, because I would love to be my H's #1 soul mate and love of his life, but I would be glad to be his Plan B if it meant that he would give up all the OW he's been flirting with, falling in love with, and fall in love with me again. Geez I have to stop making myself cry, it's hard enough to see as it is!