Things starting in right direction, NEED TIPS!

[marc_d]

Reuben,
I want to let you know that you are not alone in this and I have had the exact same problems as you with being around my GF and her new friends in social events, and Im the one that gets neglected. I wish I had an answer for us to solve this problem. I do feel that this is only temporary though and we must remember this!

After some time, if we can keep a staright face, they will want to pay more attention to us than these friends of theirs. Keep the faith, and I think that letter isnt too bad. It is not pushy at all and I wish you luck in your situation. Dont quit now, you are so close!!

[cruiserrg]

Well I feel much better this morning. Man was I crazymaking last night. I need to stop doing that.

When I left for the gym today, I went and let my W know I was leaving and when I would be back. She was on the couch as she got hot sleeping last night. She thanked me for the note, and then nustled up to my face. I told her I sometime don't say the right things, so I needed to tell her in a note. I told her I want this to work, and she said me 2.

I then cleaned of the vehicles, and went to the gym. When I got back I cleaned the drive way and both vehicles, and spread gravel over the walk to her van. When I came in she said she saw me outside and thanked me for clearing the snow. She gave me a hug and kiss. Then she towled the sweet off my head.

We then were sitting watching TV, and I told her my plans today for work and when I would be home. She said she didn't know what she was going to do, but would call me today to let me know (she hasn't done this FOREVER).

Then her brother called and she talked with him. I told her to tell him hi. When she did he must have asked if she was home. She said "yeah I am home, he helped me move back in Sun. We are trying to work things out." That made me feel really good. After the call she told me about how he was doing and what her folks were up to.

I then warmed up her van for her and as she was leaving and she gave me a hug and kiss before she left. She said again she would call and let me know what she was doing.

She is giving me great positive signs, and really busted my PMA even more than it already was. Its good to feel that after my crazymaking last night. I gotta keep up my Goals!

Goals:
1). DO NOT ASK OR EVEN INSINUATE WANTING INTIMACY!

2). DO NOT LET HER KNOW WHEN YOU ARE DISCOURAGED!

3). NO R TALKS UNLESS ANISSA BRINGS IT UP!

4). DO NOT ASK FOR STATUS CHECK, LOOK FOR POSITIVE BABY STEPS AND AFFIRM THEM WITH HER.

[cruiserrg]

Reuben,
I want to let you know that you are not alone in this and I have had the exact same problems as you with being around my GF and her new friends in social events, and Im the one that gets neglected. I wish I had an answer for us to solve this problem. I do feel that this is only temporary though and we must remember this!

After some time, if we can keep a staright face, they will want to pay more attention to us than these friends of theirs. Keep the faith, and I think that letter isnt too bad. It is not pushy at all and I wish you luck in your situation. Dont quit now, you are so close!!

Thanks for the reasurance's marc. Yeah we had a good discussion about it in MC, and I feel that my W understand a bit more now that I got to explain that I never did that when I was secure in our M. I think she realizes now that it will get better over time, and as I get to know them better and trust her more.

It was also good for my MC to let her know that she will for a while have to make an extra effort to help me through it by paying extra attention to me in those situations. I hope she does so as I get throught this. I think she will as she did when they were not there.

The other advise the MC gave us was to not go into until after the evening. The talk with eachouther about how it went and what we can do different if it wasn't good. We made the mistake of going into it at the event, and not afterward. With the emotions high for both of us it wasn't as productive as it could have been if we waited until after we got home.

Thanks again, and link your thread I can seem to find it.

[marc_d]

Thanks for the reasurance's marc. Yeah we had a good discussion about it in MC, and I feel that my W understand a bit more now that I got to explain that I never did that when I was secure in our M. I think she realizes now that it will get better over time, and as I get to know them better and trust her more.

It was also good for my MC to let her know that she will for a while have to make an extra effort to help me through it by paying extra attention to me in those situations. I hope she does so as I get throught this. I think she will as she did when they were not there.

The other advise the MC gave us was to not go into until after the evening. The talk with eachouther about how it went and what we can do different if it wasn't good. We made the mistake of going into it at the event, and not afterward. With the emotions high for both of us it wasn't as productive as it could have been if we waited until after we got home.

Well, I appreciate you sharing that tip from your MC. I think I need to practice this myself, but not sure if I can talk it over with my GF even after the situation yet. But, If I can manage to get through the event, things will be easier.

I hope I am closer to reconciliation soon so that I may feel more able to communicate with her like you can do. But, For now I will promote our friendship and hopefully that will be all we need.

here is my situation

[cruiserrg]

Well here it is 4:00 AM in the morning and I just got done with a 2 hour drive to cool off. Here's the story and please hit me with some 8x8s, I need then bad!!

I called my W in the afternoon to she what her plans were. She said she was going out with her good GF and hang out with a guy (he lives in the duplex attached to where she had been staying, and his GF recently broke up with him). I asked when she might be home, and she said she didn't know. I asked if she was going to come home to sleep, and she said yes. I said have a good time, ILY and she responded ILY2.

Well she got home a 1:00 tonight, and as usual I woke up (I sleep lightly and she always wakes me up coming home). I was prepared to do a 180 and not get upset. I asked if she had fun and she said yes, I asked what she did and she said they hung out. We chatted for a bit and just before laying down to sleep she mentions her GF is turning 21 feb 11th. W said because of her training that week, she wanted to spend either the 13th or 14th with her.

Well I got a little upset and asked if I should cancel plans for Valentines Day (its our 5 year also). She asked what plans and said we could go spend some time together but didn't need to the whole day. She said we could just go have dinner and then she could go out with GF. I asked "so we'd go eat and then you'd leave me here alone and go out?" She said yeah.

Well this lead to a more heated discussion. I said I am glad that our anniversary means so much to you. She said she just wanted to go to bed and was tired. I said well I am wide awake now with you coming home and I just want to spend a bit with my W and talk as I haven't seen you much today. She said we can go without talking or spending time. I said well when things were good we always talked each day.

It basically got worse from there. I went to try and hold her like I normally do each night and she said no. I stupidly asked if I could at least get a good night kiss, and again she said I don't feel like it now. Your making me feel guilty for staying out so late. I said no I just want to be with and talk with my W. She said it's like your manipulating me.

She said then that she just wanted to sleep here, but maybe she shouldn't have come home tonight. I said I wanted her here and appreciated her coming home, but I just wanted to have a W. I then stupidly said "I could get a dog to just lay here and keep me warm at least a dog would comfort me" Its like I had no control at all, but I guess thats how I felt.

I then got up and went to sleep on the couch, but I was too awake to do that. I came back to bed and said "I don't deserve not to sleep in my bed". She said "oh your bed" (it was originally hers), and I said "well its been mine for 2 months". Then I am said "I want to make this work, I don't want to kick you to the curb and have to fight over your van and my house." She then said well its not just about our house and the van. I said well thats all that we have of value. She then said lets quit talking before one of us says something we will regret. I agreed.

I then was in bed for a while and my anger just kept growing, she was sleeping and I was wide awake with little sleep. I am the one who works hours and hours, while she is just part time, goes out and parties and then comes in late and wakes ME UP!

I had to get out of there before I just blew. Now just so you know I never get angry like this, and I have never been this angry before. I have a longer fuse than anyone I have ever met. I got up, turned on the light, got dressed, and left the house slamming the door. I then went for a drive to try and cool off.

I can't believe how mad I got and still am. I have been dealing with her sh*t for a year now, and its seems to have come to nearly my last nerve. I thought to myself that I don't deserve this and I should just file and drop her like a bad piece of food. I was swearing and calling her names I have never said to her (this with the radio blaring while driving alone). I feel like I have fallen out of love with her and even have had my love turn to hate. This is how I get when someone finally crosses a line with me and I then write them off for good. I have had friends cross me and I x them right out of my life for good. I feel so close to that point with her.

The sad thing is that it is not just this instance but the culmination of everything. I know that I can find a real wife to love me and be the person I want to have forever. I am getting to the point where I am the one falling out of love and wanting to move on. I think about filing and starting to date again to look for a new wife. I have changed myself and I am an even better husband and man than I was before (which was pretty damn good). There are so many women out there that would do a much better job at being my W. This person that is here doesn't even feel like a friend.

I know some of you will be upset for me feeling this way when there have been such positive things going on. And after I have cooled of a bit now, I think she may be trying but I am getting to a place I don't want to be and that is neglect, isolated, and without much hope. I have been carrying the burden of this M for too long now, and fell like I want to give up. She is trying, but it almost feels like to little to late.

I am glad I have C tomorrow so I can vent and hopefully find the strength to go on. I have to chose every day to go another one working on this R, and to love my W, but right now I don't know if I'll even be able to decide that today.

I feel I have backslide bigtime, and that I can't go on. Please knock some sense into me! I mean I have thought of taking my ring off, leaving next to hers, going out to start to find my next W.

Sorry for the rant, its hard I have gone from depression to pure anger. I hope I can make it through this to keep working on our M.

[marc_d]

Wow,
Well, First of all, do I think you messed up? Yeah, but it could have been worse and its great you held back all the other anger you had and saved it for the car ride instead of yelling at her.

You have to decide what you want for yourself, but I know how hard it can be. My 8 yr anniv. is coming up in just over 2 weeks and Im sure there will be no plans, and we have no plans for V day either. Its very upsetting yes, and I feel like quitting too and finding someone else, but I then think of the positives I have seen, no matter how small, and I think of all the great times we have shared together and how we know so much about eachother and how long it would take to be this close with someone else again and it gives me the strength to pick myself up and go.

The only thing I can say is you must find a way to stop some of your thoughts around her. You need to express your emotions, and you should be able to talk to her about these things, but I have also learned from experience is that our relationships are not strong enough for these talks yet.

We have to limit the amount of emotional pressure we are placing on them. I know you think, why should we keep bending over backwards for them when we get nothing in return?! Well, we have to have faith that in the end, we will get what we put in and much more. I know its a burden, and I know you are a religous man from seeing you in the Rosary forum so I will incorporate that.

We must think of this as a Cross that the Lord is asking us to carry. It is a heavy burden, and it feels like slow torture, but what is life without hope that things will be better? Remember how good you felt when she showed you positives? I can see it in your words how good it made you feel. Im not doubting your feelings, but I think the built up anger has caused you to feel this way and I hope you will find the strength to continue to fight for your marriage and keep learning new ways to handle new pressures. Best of luck to you and may God watch over you.

[cruiserrg]

marc,

Thanks so much for the replies. Yeah I did mess up. I was able to this morning to sit down and talk with my W. I first apologized for me getting so upset and having to leave. She didn't even know I had left and I think it surprised her. I told her I got dressed and took a long drive to cool off. I told her I have never been so angry and think it just has built up over the sitch. I told her that I want this to work, but I find it hard sometimes.

She said she feels like being here is hurting me. I said that her not being here hurt me more. I told her all the positive things I see and that they make me remember my loving W. I told her that the things that get me the most are when she says things that make me feel like I am not important. I said I want more of the good feeling and want to have a loving W. I told her that I even felt like leaving my ring here and staying with a friend for a while so she would know what its like to wake up and not know where I am. I told her I didn't because I really want this to work and love her. I said that I have done everything I can to be a better person, man, and husband, and my reactions now are only to her actions and word that make me feel unimportant, such as saying our anniversary is not important. I said its really important to me and now I don't feel like celebrating it. I said if you do let me know because I will. I said I just want to start a new marriage with her and the new me. I said I don't want to find another W, but I will if I have to. I asked if she wanted me to leave her, and she said no. I told her I want this to work and then I told her ILY so much, and she said I love you too. I said you don't have to say that, and she said I know I don't have to.

I then described some of my feelings. I told her that it upsets me that I work so hard to provide everything for us, and that it allows her the free time to do things. I said you have a couple days you don't work and could go out with friends, and even after work before I get home. I feel like you going out is throwing that in my face. I said I want a W who appreciates all I do for us during my long days at work. I want a W who is happy to see me when I get home, hugs and kisses me, and helps me unwind at the end of the day, has thought about dinner, and is there to go to bed with at a decent time. I said that would show me that I am appreciated. I said the weekends are for staying out late and having fun together.

She then asked what I wanted for dinner, and suggested grilled cheese and soup. I said that sounded good. She got up and I asked for a hug, and she gave me a big hug and held me a bit. I said this is nice, and she agreed.

We were then watching TV and I said I'll just watch the hotties. I said I used to not be interested, but with my feelings right now I am vulnerable to temptations. I know I won't act on them, but it really frustrates me that I even think about it. I said I respect you and our vows to never do that, but I hate the feelings I have since my need of a loving W here is feeding them. She said she understood. She knows that I don't look unless I have been neglected for a long time. I told her I hate feeling vulnerable like this. She then rubbed my shoulder in understanding, almost like she knew that she should pay more attention to me.

She then got in the shower and then got ready for work. She gave me a kiss on the head before her shower and a hug and kiss before she left for work. She said she would call me and let me know when she would be home tonight.

I do feel better now that we had that calm talk and I was able to get my feelings off my chest in a calm manner. I think she has a lot to think about. Oh this struggle is hard.

[cruiserrg]

It was another day of ups and downs yesterday. I came home from C with renewed strength to work on my M. I had some luch and took a nap (I was really tired emotionally and physically).

My W came home after her C appt. She came in and leaned against me in bed and said hi. She then made soup and grilled cheese. She also talked about going out tonight again. I asked when she would be home, and again I get the "I don't know, and I may stay over with a friend". My fears got the best of me again and we had some more R talk. (I am failing at my goal).

During eating she said "Thanks for making me feel so guilty". After diner though was good. She explained it was hard when we always talk about it. I told her it really came out of my fears. I said I have an idea, but don't want it to sound like I am trying to fix it. I said if you try to do thing more loving and attentive to me, my fears will be reduced and I won't talk about the R. I said I will try my best to not bring it up, and if I do, hug me and say you just don't want to talk about it right now.

She liked the idea and thought it would work good. She then left for her friends and gave me a hug and kiss.

I went to a prayer group and had a great time seeing old friends from my Catholic initiation. It was a fun time. When I got home I prayed my rosary again, and then went to bed. I did send a quick txt message to my W. "Thanks for cooking dinner and spending time w/me See you tonite goodnite baby luv r".

She came home earlier than last night and even kissed me in bed and when had a nice sleep, she even let me hold her. I asked if she had fun and acted "as if" our R was stable.

This morning has gone well and she even asked if I wanted to go out for pizza with her and a friend. I agreed. We kissed a few time when I went to the gym and came back. She even made me some breakfast, and I thanked her and gave her a hug. She said its no big deal, and I said it is to me.

Things are going good, if I stick to my goals. I have to put them up somewhere so I can read them every day. The DBing I guess never really ends.

Goals:
1). DO NOT ASK OR EVEN INSINUATE WANTING INTIMACY!

2). DO NOT LET HER KNOW WHEN YOU ARE DISCOURAGED!

3). NO R TALKS UNLESS ANISSA BRINGS IT UP!

4). DO NOT ASK FOR STATUS CHECK, LOOK FOR POSITIVE BABY STEPS AND AFFIRM THEM WITH HER.

[marc_d]

Reuben,
Well, I have some good things to say and some comments but I mean no harm by them! Ill get the bad out of the way first. When C came home and leaned up against you in bed and said hi, it seemed like she was happy to see you and wanted to feel close to you and I think bringing up "R" talk again was not the best choice after she said she might not come home. After all, she wasnt coming home at all before when she was living elsewhere, so you must be grateful for all the nights she is with you. And, she is just staying with a friend. Dont read into this. You must show trust in her and make her feel trusted! Luckily, it doesnt sounds like it was a major stepback and she seems very dedicated to making things work but what I hear. It may not seem as much to you because you are still a little needy, but in my eyes, its HUGE!!! No offense about being needy, because Im in the same boat!

I think it was also great how instead of staying over a friends house, she even came home early! I know you arent too happy yet, but I would do anything to be in your situation now. I know things always look different from someone elses perspective and I think it looks great!

Most of your problems you are having is because she is home, now you want all of her instead of a little at a time. Because when she wasnt living at home, you probably appreciaed any type of contact with her, and now look at you compared to where you once were. Such big steps!! Be happy for them and realize that it took time to get to where you are now, it will just take a little more time but you can do it! Keep the faith and I think you are doing better at controlling your fears. Maybe you should do some reading on this topic?

I just also ordered a book called "What Women Want Men to Know" by Barbara De Angelis. Its got good reviews and i hope it can help me understand my special woman on a deeper level. This may help you too because maybe the fear you are having is from not understanding her completley yet. Just a thought. Best of luck to you!

[cruiserrg]

Marc,

You are so right. I am starting to see this and feel refreshed today to start my DBing again and be thankful for where I am. I have to learn to control my wanting to talk R when she says something that gets my fears going. Its hard to do this on the fly when she is here, but I will pray for the strength to do it.

No offense taken, I know I've needed a good wack upside the head.

I did order that book on audio tape, should be here in a day or so. I also got two books today to help me. One is Mars/Venus, and the other is I thought we'd never speak again (The road from enstrangement to reconsiliation). I am looking forward to the second, its about reconsiling all sorts of relationships and I hope it will give me some insight into my fears.

Also my other thread and talista's thread are helping me with this transisitional time. Its hard but I know God will get me through this as well.