Thanks so much for the replies. Yeah I did mess up. I was able to this morning to sit down and talk with my W. I first apologized for me getting so upset and having to leave. She didn't even know I had left and I think it surprised her. I told her I got dressed and took a long drive to cool off. I told her I have never been so angry and think it just has built up over the sitch. I told her that I want this to work, but I find it hard sometimes.
She said she feels like being here is hurting me. I said that her not being here hurt me more. I told her all the positive things I see and that they make me remember my loving W. I told her that the things that get me the most are when she says things that make me feel like I am not important. I said I want more of the good feeling and want to have a loving W. I told her that I even felt like leaving my ring here and staying with a friend for a while so she would know what its like to wake up and not know where I am. I told her I didn't because I really want this to work and love her. I said that I have done everything I can to be a better person, man, and husband, and my reactions now are only to her actions and word that make me feel unimportant, such as saying our anniversary is not important. I said its really important to me and now I don't feel like celebrating it. I said if you do let me know because I will. I said I just want to start a new marriage with her and the new me. I said I don't want to find another W, but I will if I have to. I asked if she wanted me to leave her, and she said no. I told her I want this to work and then I told her ILY so much, and she said I love you too. I said you don't have to say that, and she said I know I don't have to.
I then described some of my feelings. I told her that it upsets me that I work so hard to provide everything for us, and that it allows her the free time to do things. I said you have a couple days you don't work and could go out with friends, and even after work before I get home. I feel like you going out is throwing that in my face. I said I want a W who appreciates all I do for us during my long days at work. I want a W who is happy to see me when I get home, hugs and kisses me, and helps me unwind at the end of the day, has thought about dinner, and is there to go to bed with at a decent time. I said that would show me that I am appreciated. I said the weekends are for staying out late and having fun together.
She then asked what I wanted for dinner, and suggested grilled cheese and soup. I said that sounded good. She got up and I asked for a hug, and she gave me a big hug and held me a bit. I said this is nice, and she agreed.
We were then watching TV and I said I'll just watch the hotties. I said I used to not be interested, but with my feelings right now I am vulnerable to temptations. I know I won't act on them, but it really frustrates me that I even think about it. I said I respect you and our vows to never do that, but I hate the feelings I have since my need of a loving W here is feeding them. She said she understood. She knows that I don't look unless I have been neglected for a long time. I told her I hate feeling vulnerable like this. She then rubbed my shoulder in understanding, almost like she knew that she should pay more attention to me.
She then got in the shower and then got ready for work. She gave me a kiss on the head before her shower and a hug and kiss before she left for work. She said she would call me and let me know when she would be home tonight.
I do feel better now that we had that calm talk and I was able to get my feelings off my chest in a calm manner. I think she has a lot to think about. Oh this struggle is hard.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
