Confused and Lost

[SM34]

I'm not sure what the vets think of the laundry and chores, but in my non expert opinion, I think its beneficial for HER to be doing that. If it is usually her DUTY then it should still be her duty, just like maybe trash and lawncare is yours....

If you were leaving, would she start pushing the lawn mower around? If she did, would that make you rethink your position?

If anything, you are enabling her affair by doing all of her chores for her, giving her more time to engage this OM and to think about him etc...

No one ever won over the heart of their wife by doing housework!

Also, this may confuse you a little, but a DB coach would probably tell you NOT to distance IF distancing (neglect) was the cause of her moving away from you in the first place. It will look like "more of the same" to her, and will reinforce in her mind why she NEEDS to leave you. Be very careful with this.

If she has complained of emotional neglect, you should try to engage her emotionally, while detaching yourself emotionally. Confused yet? =)

What emotional needs do you think the OM is meeting for her? Can you work on meeting those needs while you can?

It is good that you have been showing that you can let loose and enjoy a vacation while spending money. She thinks you are not aware of the OM so this will come across as very genuine. Plus, when you official "find out" about the affair, you can then pull back on the spending of money on her and it will be a strong message that she will not be treated as your wife since she is not ACTING like your wife.

It is actually I think a good position to be in. I mean as good as it gets when you are faced with an affair. When the spouse doesn't know that you know, I think you can show genuine change and not look like you are competing.

Don't get carried away with obsessing over competing with the OM. From what I have read and learned, there is some comparison going on in your WAW head over which man is the better man, but its not probably as much as we LBS make it seem. There is A LOT of "Husband or not husband" going on in her mind most likely though.

Keep being an awesome father and the best husband you can be WITHOUT being a wuss. Show confidence and strength while around your wife. you do this by:

1) Practicing strong eye contact while she is talking to you.
2) Stop what you are doing and LISTEN carefully when she talks. Pick out any EMOTION she mentions and zero in on that emotion. Validate her for feeling that emotion. VALIDATE VALIDATE!
3) Speak in a soft voice and speak SLOWLY when you talk to her.
4) When you stand, try to have good posture. When you sit, sit back and spread out to cover a large area. That is how confident men sit. No fidgeting or awkward hand movements.
5) DO NOT argue with her about anything. She may try to start arguments to "show herself" that you ARE the unlovable person she NEEDS you to be in order to walk away feeling she "did the right thing". Don't fall into this trap! At the same time, dont bend of backwards and be weak. This is a balancing act.

Keep posting. We are all here to offer our support.