Emotional Connection and Attraction

[Accuray]

LoveTheHub says that she was 1/3 in and 2/3 out of the marriage when she claimed to be piecing, but didn't really commit until her H became the WAS. That's what I was pointing out. That is a theme I see here time and again -- and many people will live in that limbo of a semi-committed spouse for a LONG TIME.

I believe we all have a vision of the marriage we want, and can break that down into very specific things we'd like that can be expressed in terms of behaviors. Assuming you are rational and emotionally healthy, these for the basis of reasonable expectations for your relationship. You should expect to be treated with respect, dealt with honestly, receive affection on some recurring basis, engage in sex with an at least tolerable frequency etc., and you should expect to hold up your end of the bargain to make sure these things continue, and so your spouse will also get what they want and need. That's the deal.

When you have a crisis in your marriage and come to DB, your overriding objective is usually "save my marriage" expressed in terms of "get my spouse back". Therefore, you really ask and expect nothing of the WAS, but contribute yourself on all cylinders and fully commit to the success of the marriage.

For those who reach that point, and have a spouse where the affair ended and the spouse is at least *saying* they want the marriage to work, there is usually a huge gap between the functioning of your marriage at the start of piecing and your desired vision of your marriage. As a stupid example, say that you have 10 things you want from marriage. Often at the start of piecing you're only getting one or two of them, whereas you are probably delivering 8 out of 10 to the former WAS.

This is compounded by the fact that during crisis, the LBS tends to do lots of relationship research and work -- reading books, seeing therapists, etc., so the bar for what a good marriage looks like is often much higher than the pre-bomb equilibrium you had with your spouse. In other words, getting back to "where you were" is no longer good enough -- and as evidence your marriage fell apart before. The former WAS, in contrast, has done none of this work or self-improvement, so in some cases they're just thinking they'll settle for what you had pre-bomb. Now the two of you have very different goal lines, and without shared objectives, you can't succeed together.

So in answer to your question "What happened to Accuray?"

Two years ago W said she wanted our marriage to work out and that she no longer wanted a divorce. We went through a brief honeymoon period where we were aligned, and it was wonderful from my perspective. Over the next year, however, she slowly started to withdraw. If we did 12 marriage-friendly things in month one, she reduced it to 11 in month two, then 10 in month three, until eventually I felt we were getting back to exactly where we were pre-bomb, made an issue of it, and get ILYBINILWY again.

Now at that point, there was no longer an affair, there was no longer a divorce request. My support system believed that things were going well, the kids were happy, we had made longer term plans around expensive vacations, home remodeling projects, etc. etc., so my point to you is that it would have been 100x harder for me to separate at that point, than it would have been after the initial bomb, and each passing month makes it harder because your spouse is no longer saying they want to leave, so it's all 100% on you if you move out.

So over time you can slowly start to rebuild the marriage and getting back the things you need to be happy, but if you need 10 you might only ever get to 4, or 5, and will need to decide if you can live with that and make peace with what's missing and not be miserable.

In many books and therapy sessions there's an assumption that if you can meet your spouse's needs, and clearly communicate your own, and your needs are reasonable, that your spouse will want to meet your needs as well -- but one thing I've learned is that is not always true. In a former WAS situation, the WAS can completely understand what you need, agree that they are getting what they need, but still tell you "too bad, I'm not doing it"

So this limbo of having a "partially fulfilling marriage" can carry on for a long, long, long time, and over time will become less painful, because you'll get used to it. It will become the norm, you'll mourn the things you're not getting, move beyond them, and may again find happiness -- OR -- your resentment will grow and YOU will become the WAS, and the situation will reverse.

I have seen time again on DB that when the LBS *truly* drops the rope and walks away when they are not getting the marriage they want, AND they've done the work necessary to be the best spouse they can be, the WAS usually (but not always) returns at some point. But the rope must be *completely* dropped, the WAS must be convinced that the LBS is "gone for good", and I don't think you can fake that.

So what I'm saying to you is that I recognize elements of my history in your sitch, and that I have taken the slow road ahead of you, which is to proceed with an uncommitted spouse who really has one foot in and one foot out, and is not willing to work with you to deliver what you need, and is confused about their own feelings, but willing to "stay", versus willing to "engage".

If I could turn the clock back, I should have legally separated and moved out, or had her move out, so that we were living separately, and I should have continued to DB with 100% focus on me and 0% focus on her. Maybe she would come back, maybe she wouldn't, but if she did, it would be on mutual terms and according to my standards for re-engagement, and if I had pursued that path, that would have been much more painful in the short term, I would have been MUCH happier in the long term, either with her or with someone else.

Do not accept a consolation prize marriage, you're worth more than that.

Acc