Things starting in right direction, NEED TIPS!

[cruiserrg]

Well here it is 4:00 AM in the morning and I just got done with a 2 hour drive to cool off. Here's the story and please hit me with some 8x8s, I need then bad!!

I called my W in the afternoon to she what her plans were. She said she was going out with her good GF and hang out with a guy (he lives in the duplex attached to where she had been staying, and his GF recently broke up with him). I asked when she might be home, and she said she didn't know. I asked if she was going to come home to sleep, and she said yes. I said have a good time, ILY and she responded ILY2.

Well she got home a 1:00 tonight, and as usual I woke up (I sleep lightly and she always wakes me up coming home). I was prepared to do a 180 and not get upset. I asked if she had fun and she said yes, I asked what she did and she said they hung out. We chatted for a bit and just before laying down to sleep she mentions her GF is turning 21 feb 11th. W said because of her training that week, she wanted to spend either the 13th or 14th with her.

Well I got a little upset and asked if I should cancel plans for Valentines Day (its our 5 year also). She asked what plans and said we could go spend some time together but didn't need to the whole day. She said we could just go have dinner and then she could go out with GF. I asked "so we'd go eat and then you'd leave me here alone and go out?" She said yeah.

Well this lead to a more heated discussion. I said I am glad that our anniversary means so much to you. She said she just wanted to go to bed and was tired. I said well I am wide awake now with you coming home and I just want to spend a bit with my W and talk as I haven't seen you much today. She said we can go without talking or spending time. I said well when things were good we always talked each day.

It basically got worse from there. I went to try and hold her like I normally do each night and she said no. I stupidly asked if I could at least get a good night kiss, and again she said I don't feel like it now. Your making me feel guilty for staying out so late. I said no I just want to be with and talk with my W. She said it's like your manipulating me.

She said then that she just wanted to sleep here, but maybe she shouldn't have come home tonight. I said I wanted her here and appreciated her coming home, but I just wanted to have a W. I then stupidly said "I could get a dog to just lay here and keep me warm at least a dog would comfort me" Its like I had no control at all, but I guess thats how I felt.

I then got up and went to sleep on the couch, but I was too awake to do that. I came back to bed and said "I don't deserve not to sleep in my bed". She said "oh your bed" (it was originally hers), and I said "well its been mine for 2 months". Then I am said "I want to make this work, I don't want to kick you to the curb and have to fight over your van and my house." She then said well its not just about our house and the van. I said well thats all that we have of value. She then said lets quit talking before one of us says something we will regret. I agreed.

I then was in bed for a while and my anger just kept growing, she was sleeping and I was wide awake with little sleep. I am the one who works hours and hours, while she is just part time, goes out and parties and then comes in late and wakes ME UP!

I had to get out of there before I just blew. Now just so you know I never get angry like this, and I have never been this angry before. I have a longer fuse than anyone I have ever met. I got up, turned on the light, got dressed, and left the house slamming the door. I then went for a drive to try and cool off.

I can't believe how mad I got and still am. I have been dealing with her sh*t for a year now, and its seems to have come to nearly my last nerve. I thought to myself that I don't deserve this and I should just file and drop her like a bad piece of food. I was swearing and calling her names I have never said to her (this with the radio blaring while driving alone). I feel like I have fallen out of love with her and even have had my love turn to hate. This is how I get when someone finally crosses a line with me and I then write them off for good. I have had friends cross me and I x them right out of my life for good. I feel so close to that point with her.

The sad thing is that it is not just this instance but the culmination of everything. I know that I can find a real wife to love me and be the person I want to have forever. I am getting to the point where I am the one falling out of love and wanting to move on. I think about filing and starting to date again to look for a new wife. I have changed myself and I am an even better husband and man than I was before (which was pretty damn good). There are so many women out there that would do a much better job at being my W. This person that is here doesn't even feel like a friend.

I know some of you will be upset for me feeling this way when there have been such positive things going on. And after I have cooled of a bit now, I think she may be trying but I am getting to a place I don't want to be and that is neglect, isolated, and without much hope. I have been carrying the burden of this M for too long now, and fell like I want to give up. She is trying, but it almost feels like to little to late.

I am glad I have C tomorrow so I can vent and hopefully find the strength to go on. I have to chose every day to go another one working on this R, and to love my W, but right now I don't know if I'll even be able to decide that today.

I feel I have backslide bigtime, and that I can't go on. Please knock some sense into me! I mean I have thought of taking my ring off, leaving next to hers, going out to start to find my next W.

Sorry for the rant, its hard I have gone from depression to pure anger. I hope I can make it through this to keep working on our M.