So Drained

[Hurt84]

Thanks everyone, the responses are encouraging and despite me consistently doing the same things that don't help the situation I do appreciate the insight.

I can't necessarily say the same for the results of this weekend as it started off with her going out Friday night instead of dinner plans we had. Our plans were never really set but with her recent uptick in doing anything to go out with these people, it leads me to believe she's doing just as Breakdown had said and is seeing what else is out there. After that, Saturday afternoon I sat her down and was straight-forward about my feelings.

I know that isn't attractive to her at all but at the same time I had to say something. I told her that I think the amount that she is going out is excessive and I'm starting to not only get concerned for our relationship but her as well, at that point she had been operating on about 5 hours sleep for 2 days. She can't keep burning the candle at both ends. I told her I can't compete for time with these new friends of hers - it's obvious at this point she will do just about anything to go out with them so something needs to change. When she brought up divorce and moving in with her mother, because that's the inevitable bomb when I address anything that bothers me these days, I told her at this point I don't think it would be a bad idea if she stayed with her mom for the time-being. The current situation isn't doing anything for us but making me frustrated and hurt again and putting her on the defensive all the time. I don't want to be fighting this battle daily. At this point she refuses to make a change in the living situation as long as we are married and is "paying to live there". The conversation escalated from there to the point where we basically didn't talk for the rest of the day - we had a party that night and we might as well have gone separately - but there was some thawing of the ice by the end of the night.

One of the things she asked me before we left for the party was why do I want to be around her? She either is dramatizing my opinion of her or interpreting everything I'm saying to be that I think she's this horrible person - her words. The response I gave her in the moment was that there were a million ways I could answer that but they all point to her being the person I want to be with. Afterwards, I thought about it and wrote them out and left it for her in the morning while I went to softball. I'm starting to think she believes I'm just being stubborn and isn't moving on for whatever reason, at least with this she could tangibly see why I'm still here putting up a fight even if it shows me as being weak.

Sunday was supposed to be a day for us to hang out just us, with her not planning on going out or anything. The plan in the afternoon was for us to go out shopping (she wanted me to pick out my birthday gift from a couple weeks back) and then we were going to dinner which had been pushed off from Friday. When I got home from softball she was still a little stand-offish from Saturday but our friend had just had their baby so she was excited about it. Right away she told me she planned on going out later that afternoon but she wanted to go visit the baby and we could still go shopping together unless that was a problem. At that point I wasn't going to change her mind and I just said that she knew how I felt about it already but she was going to do what she wanted. She just said she needed space but still wanted to spend part of the day together. After we were done and went and did some stuff around town and stuff around the house. When she came home she did apologize for pushing off dinner again but after Saturday she needed to get away for a little.

That was obviously a long-winded story but I think it shows a few things: A) She's definitely checked out to a certain extent, I agree. B) I think she's struggling with what she thinks my motivation is. C) If I don't change something, things aren't going to get any better. I know things take time but I need to really start thinking about what I need to do here.

To answer Breakdown's questions:

-- I read DB about a year ago with re-reading some select chapters back in March. DR I read in March.
-- From what I understand, the issue is that she's unhappy with where she is in life. I get the impression she feels like she missed something in her younger years and is trying to have those experiences now. She has said that she wants separate friends and for me to not have to know every little detail about everything.
-- Up until now, the only thing I've been working on has been keeping it together. When things were going well for the month or so I was kind of just going with the flow and we were getting along really well. As her going out has increased I've gotten more uncomfortable with it and I've started pursuing her big time. I need to do better with that and do more.
-- We basically argue about her going out and the underlying issue of her basically walking away from our relationship. She doesn't say too much about what she wants from me, but more what she personally wants - the majority of which do not involve me. When I discovered her affair last year she said that I was too complacent and that she was tired of doing the same thing all the time. I tried to make changes to accommodate for that at the time but it was "too little too late" according to her.
-- I don't like that I come second to her desire to go out all the time. I feel if I was invited here and there it would solve a lot of that specific problem. At this point, I feel like she's hiding the fact that she's married to some of these people. I want to be more of a priority.
-- We've known each other since we were in grade school and started dating right before college. I think we clicked because we had common interests and had similar friends. We used to go out here and there when we were younger but for a while there it seemed like we were growing out of that with our friends as we all got married. We started talking about having kids early last year and I think the seriousness of that freaked her out. I've stayed pretty consistent with my priorities, so if anything I think part of the problem is that I haven't changed my priorities with hers maybe.

One of the things that Breakdown deduced is 100% accurate and that is I would do just about anything to make the marriage work. I just haven't been able to find the right thing yet I suppose.