Not New to This Anymore

[steveh27]

It's been awhile. Having a real hard time lately. I will string some days together where everything is good, then wham, I'll string some real sh**tty ones together. I've done real well with GAL'ing as of late but it's not helping me detach very well. Took the kids on vacation to visit my sister, as she has a beach house near the shore. We were gone for 5 days, kids seemed to do relatively well. Ironically, my D9 I thought would have the hardest time away from Mom, but she did much better than my S15. I could tell it bothered him not have his Mom there. They all called back home once a day ... I'm sure that helped both the W and the kids. Have a couple of friends that I can do stuff with once or twice a week. I also have been playing alot of soccer as of late on pick-up nights.

I just got back from a long weekend visiting one of my best friends by myself. My friend has never been married and lives a very different lifestyle than I'm used to, but it struck a chord with me that this might be my new normal, and I'm not embracing it very well. It was fun, but it was fun for a weekend. I found myself missing the kids and looking forward to coming home.

After almost 4-5 months of this so far, it gets lonely. I'm sure you long timers scoff at this as you have amazingly weathered much longer. Sometimes I dont know how you do it. I am going through a phase where everyone I meet (especially female) I evaluate, and my evaluations are real low and certainly not fair I'm sure. I seem to be extremely skeptical and un-accepting of myself to allow new people into my life. I guess this goes back to the trust issues I've been accustomed to having to live with most of my adult life. So this in turn is hindering my detachment and allowing myself to still cling to what I had.

The W and I have had a number of good fights as of late, as the pressure of our living situation gets to us. Sometimes I lack the ability to walk away when she decides to question or confront. These are utterly complete back pedals on any good that I've been able to show. The only time I can avoid this is to physically leave the house for awhile. Last night was one where I couldnt walk away and she stepped in front of me and followed me where I went in the house, demanding an answer about something. This is the 3rd time we have had a fight where this has happened, and I only have seen her like that once in all the 20 years I have been with her. I dont always want to leave everytime we have a conversation thats uncomfortable. Hopefully I'm smart enough now to see the warning signs earlier. I have never been very good at not defending myself, so I need to STFU better.

The W is taking the kids this week for 2 days to visit her older sister. The kids will like this but this will be hard for me as I'm sure it was hard for the W when I was away with them. I will need to occupy my time and mind well for a couple of days.

All in all it hasn't been going well of late unfortunately. I am not using my gift of time wisely it seems. I feel I keep getting knocked backwards, as its not easy to act "normal" or "as if" when living in a situation like this. Emotions are high and it's hard to not have contempt for the W as she moves forward and still try and show love when it is not returned in any way shape or form.