It’s been almost three years since my last post but unfortunately I am back. For those of you not familiar with my story, I posted the links below but in short in 2008 my wife and I got a divorce because I abandon the family shortly after we had our daughter. After about a year of DBing, we got back together and remarried in 2011. I can’t tell you how much joy our wedding day brought to me. Miracles do happen but unfortunately I am in dire need of one.
I honestly don’t know where to begin. From 2011 to 2012, for the most part things were really good between us. After a period of piercing I felt like we were finally a family again. In 2012, we decided that it was best if I went back to school, to leave my job as an economist and get my MBA instead. Right now I just have a master in economists so my opportunities are somewhat limited without a Phd. So I took a full load of three classes, in the fall and again in spring. This was tough working a full time job plus a daughter who is involved in a lot of activities. In short, I was absent for the fall/spring semester – always studying, at school or having to stay late at work. We started to argue about this and in short our arguments got pretty nasty. She wanted me to spend more time with her and with our daughter. I told her I couldn’t because of school, etc. I was wrong. I should have prioritized my family above work/school. As we were fighting, she would tell our daughter that I was a family neglecter and a deadbeat dad. I in turn got ticked and would call her the b-word, etc. Things got so bad that at one point I told her that I wish she would just die so that I could have some peace. What really pushed her over the edge was that as we were fighting about me not being able to take our daughter somewhere, she said she wanted to go back to school. I told her she wouldn’t be able to make it and that hurt her a lot because growing up her family told her similar things. I feel ashamed and embarrassed for my actions.
For the month of April we really didn’t talk much. One day in April I sent her a text basically apologizing for my actions and telling her that I want us to be a family. She text me back that she no longer trust me or has any feelings for me. I was crushed. I did the usual mistakes of crying, pleading, etc that only drove her away. In early May she told me that all the put downs I told her had caused so much emotional pain that she couldn’t function in life anymore. She said that from now on she was going to start focusing on herself, start going to counseling to work on herself and will start hanging out with friends. She said that maybe after counseling we can start working on our marriage but couldn’t stand to be with me. She told me that I was going to have to trust her that she is not going to cheat on me but that she needed space to find herself. For the next two months she was really cold, distant and rude. She no longer wears her wedding ring. From May till now I have done some serious DBing. Evening though I am still in school, I now do 100% of the household chores and have been taking my daughter to every event, spending lots of time with her, etc all while still working and going to school. I started to really seek God, go on men’s retreat, etc. I did my 180s so fast that my wife thought I was being fake.
From mid-July to now things have really gotten better. I am still sleeping on a separate bed but she has really opened up to me. She now calls me by my pet name and will wake me up in the middle of the night to talk. The other day she was asking me if I will go back to being evil and I told her only when it’s a full moon (trying to avoid relationship type talks). Point is she sees my changes. We are doing things together as a family like going on trips. Still no dates and there is still a wall but things have gotten better. Lately she has been talking about all the family trips she wants to take and has been really nice to me for the most part.
Last week I say she got a text message from someone that began with “my love, just want to wish you good night.” After doing some digging, I found out that this person is a coworker of hers and has been texting her almost every morning. Most of the messages are him telling her good morning, how did she sleep, does she want him to pick up anything for breakfast, etc. My wife carries her phone with her like crazy and is very protective of it (has it under her pillow when she sleeps). That text message is killing me. She goes walking for about 3 hours several times a week and now I am wondering if she is instead spending time with this guy.
A couple of nights ago she her back was hurting her in the middle of the night so she asked if I can rub it. As I was giving her a message, I broke one of the DB rules and started to hold her. She didn’t resist and when I caught myself and was getting ready to go back to my bed, she told me to stay. I told her that I miss having a marriage. She told me that we do have a marriage and that she has been making an effort to come back to me but that she has a lot of past issues that she needs to deal with (she hasn’t gone to counseling but tells me she is planning on going). She told me that she doesn’t want a divorce and that she knows that our marriage is going to make it. I told her to take all the time she needs but caught myself wanting to talk more about the relationship when she wasn’t ready. She told me the same night that she still doesn’t trust me because of all the put downs and that she has friends that she is confiding in to help her through. She then told me that she knows that I am not going to like it, but that these friends are guys. She later told me that in this past spring she was ready to leave me but her guy friends told her to fight for her marriage and that I need to trust her that she is not going to have an affair because family is too important to her.
These last few days I have been crying so much. I wish I never saw that text message. It is killing me inside. We are making so much progress and yet I feel like am being played. If she needs to confine in someone, she should confide in a counselor not a guy co-worker – ahhhhhhhhhhhhh – screammm. I have been crying so much (not in front of her) The last days at work I had my office door shut as I couldn’t stop crying, wondering if she is having an emotional affair. I keep remember what she told me back in May that I needed to trust her but this is so hard and I am an emotional wreck. I find myself wanted to get clinging, etc. Luckily I have caught myself so no real backsliding. I later found out that she had lunch with this other guy today (a friend of mine saw them at a restaurant and texted me). Ahhhh.. More screaming……..
I feel like quitting. I feel like she is having an emotional affair with this guy. I am mad at myself for putting her in a situation where she feels she needs to confine in other people but me. On one hand she is telling me to trust her and her actions are telling me that she is moving closer to me but then I keep thinking about this guy who texts her every freaking morning to wake her up. This really [censored]. On top of this, our anniversary is coming up in two weeks and she has started to subtly ask what I am planning for that day. More ahhhhhhhhhh. Scream…….On one hand I just want to do nothing so that I can protect my heart. On the other hand, I sort of feel like she is expecting me to go all out and will be disappointment if I do nothing. I told myself I will wait and see what happens the next several weeks to gauge where we are at. I spent a good part of today crying and praying. Last night I throw up several times as I keep thinking the worse.
Any advice will be appreciated as I am so confused.
Have you asked her about this particular guy? Do you know him? did you ask her about the lunch date?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
She doesn't know that I know about this other guy. Approaching her will make things worse I think because she will thinking that I am spying and not trusting her, etc.
Man, I am getting to clingly and needy. This morning we will talking (we sleep in separate beds but the beds are in the same room) and she made the comment how she like having the bed all to herself. I responded that sleeping on separate beds was anti-marriage. She got upset, told me she has a lot on her plate already and doesn't need to her this crap. She walked outside to water the grass.
Ever since she told me that she doesn't want a divorce I indirectly took that as having the green light to pursue, etc. But I know I can't - she isn't there. I need to act as if I we never had that talk and that I don't know about this other guy. I definitely need to re-read Sandi's rules - I am slipping these last two days. Ahhh.....More scream...
Okay, so I am pretty sure wife is going walking with this co-worker. She wasn't able to go this morning so she sent him a text (at 6 am) that she wasn't going to be able to make it. Ahhh....This kills me. This co-worker is supposedly helping her through her problems and supposedly told her to work on her marriage. Maybe all that is true. I have no hard evidence to prove otherwise but I fill like this is crossing boundaries. I so much feel like going to this guy's place and confronting him but I know it will do me no good at this time. I need to act as if I don't know anything and more importantly behave as such. We have made positive gains these last few weeks so I need to stay positive with that.
My wife grew up with no mom or dad - mainly just brothers so she tells me she feels more comfortable with guys. Her best friend is a guy and she really didn't have any other guy friends until this co-worker came around. Ahh.....I am thinking the worse and am trying to prepare my heart for the worse while trying to stay positive. This is hard and I feel like giving up. I don't think I can make this work if she really is having a physical or emotion affair (which I suspect the later). I hate this. Just when I was beginning to see some positive signs of DBing this had to happen. I don't think I will do any more snooping - it causes too much pain but at the same time I want answers. I want to know what is really going on. I'm I being played? Am I being deceived? Does she only see me as a friend and father of our daughter and nothing else. Is she only tolerating the marriage for our daughter's sake and secretly is having an affair? More screaming.....
I know that for know I must love her unconditionally on her terms. I cannot make her love me or make her want to be close to me. She has to want that for herself. So in the meantime I must continue DBing, doing my 180s, demonstrating my love through actions not words and hope for the best.
Tomorrow my daughter has an event and I have class that night but I told my wife that I will be there. She asked me why when I never did in the past. I told her that that was the evil husband but that this one is good. She then told me I am going to have resentment if I keep missing class or don't study as hard to get an A. I told her that I don't care about grades when it comes to my family. That I will work hard to do my best but it was not going to come between my family anymore. We changed subjects but I know that she needs time to see that the changes are true.
In the meantime I will cry, be depress and fake it till I make it in front of my wife. Life bites right now. Sorry - just had to vent.
I can't handle this pain. My wife just left to pickup our daughter who was playing with another classmate and I can't stop crying and screaming. why is this happening to me? I can't deal with this. I don't think I can muster the strength to endure. I am weak. I've lost. I'm a loser. I was trying so hard and while these changes are for me and me alone - it hurts so badly to to realize that my efforts make no difference. I don't have the will to live. I just want to die. I am currently a student at Harvard and I am the stupidest person alive. God, have mercy on me. I am so sorry for my sins. I screwed up my life yet again. You blessed me and restored my marriage and I had to ruin it. I am a fool. I am so sorry. Forgiveness isn't good enough.
Ahh.....Scream...throw up some more....okay I will be okay but had to vent.
Hi lnmw... I can understand. Its extremely hard. It doesn't seem to get "muc"h better wtih time either. Its the hardest thing I have ever done! BUT, I know I want better. So... I am trying to be patient & work on myself. Putting my love in God's hands... its all we can do!
Pick yourself up... go for a walk! Calm down!
((HUGS))
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Um, I KNOW that if you have the discipline to get into Harvard, then you certainly have the discipline to endure this!
Pull up your boots, its not over yet....
You still have some fight in you, dont you?
What are your 180s? What about goals?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
If you knew this co-worker was gay, would you feel better and stop falling apart? I think you are your own worst enemy. Get your focus off him.
As a rule, I am not one who encourages opposite sex friendships. I just don't think it is a good idea for M people to have a friendship with opposite sex that does not include her H. Gal friends? Sure! But guy friends are taking chances, IMHO. However, I know that many people do have friends of the opposite sex. It doesn't mean they are attracted sexually, but it can happen in some cases. However, if you start in about her friend.....it will be the final straw with her. You have to stop looking at the TM right now, so you can focus on getting stronger and getting your family/marriage back on solid ground again.
The biggest problem I see in young families these days are them try to "have it all". The adults are working and going to school, and the kids are in several extra activities apart from school. That means you are spread very thin. There is no time left for family togetherness, much less just the two of you spending quality time alone. It will bring problems! B/c there is no time for a couple to have their emotional needs met in each other. So, one of them will eventual turn to someone at work, school, or wherever. You simply have to draw the line somewhere. In the past, the entire family would eat dinner together around the same table. How many do that now?
Some people let there kids be in everything. They believe they aren't being good parents if they don't let them. But when it keeps the kids on the go and parents are running here & there to their next event, it's time to "pick" one or two and let the other stuff go. It's crazy how much this is happening in families. Kids don't have to be in everything! Neither do the parents. You have to make family & marriage top priority, or there will be a breakdown at some point.
Stop your screaming and bawling over your stitch, and start making some decisions as the leader of your home. Your W cannot see you being an attractive and desirable man when you are being clingy & needy.
Are you trying to find out the status of your MR when you tried to talk to your W about the sleeping arrangements? Do your see the MR being in Piecing?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She is having an affair. I don't know the extent but he sent her a text this morning telling her good morning. She responded by saying "good morning - I love you" He responded by saying "I love you too - alot" Then they both sent smile faces.
Ahh....more screaming. Sandi2, I will read your post and respond - you to SM34
