Thanks so much for the replies. Its good to have you both check in, you are both such good friends. I pray you both can be here soon.
We last night was a suprise. Earlier in the day while I was at church W texted me: Listening to Counting Crows luv - A. That is my favorite band and reminds her of me. Also you just don't here that played anywhere, so she must have played it on the juke box again.
After church I texted back: "I had a great time today luv u 2 - R Call me tonite. She didn't call, but I did text back when I went to bed "goodnite baby luv - r".
Well to my suprise I was awaken at 1:30 a.m. to my W coming home and getting into be with me and she spent the night again. I was totally not expecting it. We talked a bit and I asked how her night was. She said just ok kinda boring. She went out to 2 bars and saw a few friends. One in particular an old married man she knows. She said she talked with him about the sitch and she told me he said he was glad she was trying to work on the M.
This morning we had breakfast again which we made together. She also told me two wonderful things. First she thought we could go to her favorite hang out and watch the superbowl together. Second was "I wish I had all my stuff here. I think we should go over and get my clothes today." I asked all your stuff? and she said "yeah".
she is in the shower now as I write this, and I am in shock! There really wasn't any talk about the R or making up just "I want to go get my stuff". I played it calm and just smiled and said I would help her.
Also a bonus was while watching TV she asked to have me get her a blanket. I got one and "tucked her in" on the chair. We leaned together and she gave me a kiss better than we have had in a while. Not full of passion, but is getting better.
Things are really looking up, we have a long way to go, but I can see that we may actually be on the same path together.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
I am very happy for you!!! This is working out the way it should.
You will stay in my prayers. Remember, never forget what got you here. If you remember that you will have a long and happy marriage.
You are lucky to have a W who knows when she is loved and responds to it. Even more, she is very lucky to have a man like you who has UCL for her and is patiently willing to work out things together.
I think Scarecrow won't be too far behind. It will take a few months probably but before you know it she'll be here too.
Thank you both again for the replies. This is a great step in the right direction.
Yesterday went fairly well. I did have to deal with a lot of emotions though that I wasn't exactly prepaired for. First one was when we went to pick up her stuff from her Friend Rich's where she has been staying. I almost had a sickening feeling as we approached the house. It was like visiting a place where you had a terrible accident.
I actually couldn't believe the sqauller that she and these people were living in. I mean I have lived in a house with 7 other guys during college, but no where like this. It made make a bit angery that she would live in a place like that instead of with me. I don't understand how she would feel better there than at home with me. I did get through it and carried all her stuff out (which filled up her van) like a friend would do.
When we got home we sorted out her stuff and started washing them and then went to her favorite bar hangout. It was great she wanted to bring me there to meet some of her friends. Things were goind well until 2 younger guy friends of hers came in (one is Rich's bother). She paid so much attention to them and seemed to ignore me a bit (turned away from me to talk with them). She hugged them and was even a bit flirty with them. I did get a bit quiet and reserved until they let, it was like jealousy and resentment welling up inside me. My W noticed and asked about it. We talked about it and I told her my feeling in a non-threating way. She at first seemed upset, but we talked it through and I explained normally I wouldn't be like that but circumstances had a big part of it. I think she finally understood, especially when I tried to explain if the rolls were reversed that she would be pissed.
When they left thing became normal again for both of us, I didn't tell her but she acted different too. It was a great night after that.
We went shopping afterward to get a few things, and we started one ritual of getting a new CD that we pick out (Me one time, her the next) When we got home we sat were in bed watching TV for a while. She actually wore the nice sexy slip I got her to bed. She did give me a nice backrub that I asked for. Nothing beyond that, but I hope soon.
The thing is that even though she is here it is very difficult to deal with the emotions. They just don't go away and are still there. I can't believe I still feel some resentment and betrayal. I even wonder if I am going to like the person my W has become. I know I need to have patience for the sitch to calm down a lot, but this is as hard as DB'ing to get her here.
Any thoughts or tips on this would be helpful.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
Hi Reuben. You have a lot of good stuff happening. I know the situation in the bar had to be hard for you, but it will get easier. I know I sometimes think that waiting for my WAH to come home is the hard part, but I know that the hard work will just be beginning, as you rebuild your life together. Hang in there, you and your W are in my prayers.
Today was a fairly good day. I did a back slide a bit and asked about being intimate. She said no, but I could tell it bothered her. I really have to try to not ask for this or even imply I need it. Its so hard though because I have HD. My new Goal must be to NEVER bring up intimacy unless she does. This since old goal is not needed since she has moved back.
We did chit chat as she was getting ready for work and we hugged and kissed goodbye, tho I initiated. She came home an hour after work (man my mind was making up things) and when she got here she had been shopping. (Stupid me, gotta stop jumping to conclusion!)
We then talked a bit and went to MC. MC was good. SHe filled him in about moving back in, though she said it was because the place she had has no water (this is true). She could remember how long she had been staying over, and I filled in the details.
She then went into what transpired about at the bar and my jealously. It was a good discussion and MC talked about us finding some common ground, and that my W may have to pay extra attention to me until things calm down in social events. I was able to explain that I never would have reacted like this before as I was trusting and secure in our M and R. I explained that it was just due to the current circumstances. MC talked about having to build that trust back up between us. It was a good discussion and I think we both came aways with new perspective on it.
He then asked about other issues and there was silence to a while. (I was trying to let my W answer) Since she didn't speak up, I went into how I am working hard to deal with the emotions of all this. I expressed difficulty going on without my needs being attended to. I also taked about not knowing if I would be able to make it through this sometimes. MC understood and validated my feelings. I said that we need to meet half way on working together on this. MC said that we actually should try to overshoot 50% as sometime you will put more into something without getting equal return. W and I agreed.
W then wanted to get into the intimacy area, as that was my need I mainly was refering to. SHe said she isn't ready for that, and feels presured. I expressed that I didn't want it if it wasn't freely given. MC talked about sexual and non-sexual affection and that we need to communicate these things with eachother. My W said she fell like she wants to push me away and tell me no, but doesn't want to hurt me. I said that I want her to tell me that rather than feeling aweful and resentful because of it. MC went into further that we need to communicate these things even if they hurt.
At the end of the session my W came up to me and said she didn't realise that I feel like giving up sometimes. If I remember she said she doesn't want me to give up (or that was my mind telling me that) and she gave me a big hug. I whispered to her that I don't want to give up, its just hard.
We came home and talked a bit. I cooked dinner and we ate togther at the table (we have been doing instead of me eating at the table and her on the couch), which is great. She even thanked me for cooking.
Well thats all for today. I still have emotions going up and down even with all the good positive steps. Boy I hope this gets easier.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
GRRR, I feel like I did when this whole mess started except now I don't know what to do with my W here! Its so frustrating sometimes.
We were sitting here watching TV and my W says next Monday she has a hair appt at 3 (our MC is at 4). She said she was going to see if she could move it, but if she couldn't I could go alone. Man that burned me.
I calmly said that it was her choice, but I would like to go together because I think it helps us.
Then later on I had to ask if she felt the MC was helping. She said she didn't know, and asked if I did. I said yes when we go together. She was tired and I shouldn't have pushed. I got onto being discouraged again, and she was upset at it. She said a lot has changed this week and doesn't understand why I would be discouraged.
I sat down next to her and tried to explain, but I couldn't seem to find the words. She went to bend and she reached out to me and I said I don't want to give up. We both said we were sorry.
OK, now I need to add another goal. And I am going to type them in each reply here to remind me.
1). DO NOT ASK OR EVEN INSINUATE WANTING INTIMACY!
2). DO NOT LET HER KNOW WHEN YOU ARE DISCOURAGED!
3). NO R TALKS UNLESS ANISSA BRINGS IT UP!
4). DO NOT ASK FOR STATUS CHECK, LOOK FOR POSITIVE BABY STEPS AND AFFIRM THEM WITH HER.
I am mad at myself, I know better and can do better than this. I need to keep up my DBing, and not pressure her. I have to put my needs off for now and keep up whats been working. Its just so hard when she says things to negate the positives that she is doing. I am living with an alien!
Edit to add more goals. I also can tell she needs to know I see her trying and appreciate it, not get discouraged at the negatives. Why can't I focus with her here!
Last edited by cruiserrg; 02/03/0402:56 AM.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
I say this with only the best intentions,and as a freind.
Slow down, she has only been back for a few days. Be the man she wanted to come home to. She came home because she liked the new Reuben. You liked him to, so keep being that person. The rest will fall in line. It will be hard work, but you can do it!
Hope you aren't mad, just want you to take your time and enjoy W being home.
Thank you so much, I really needed that. You are so right. I had expectations that she could never meet with her coming back. I can't get caught up in her alien speak. I guess I have a fear that she has changed into someone I may not want to be with and that really scares me. I just have to remember right now she is still dealing with a lot, and needs to sort things out before I see the woman I love again.
Now this is probably a big NO NO, but I wrote a letter to her. I am leaving it so she can see it in the morning when she gets up, I plan to go to the gym (to help be away during the hornies). Here is what I wrote, hit me with the 2x if necessary.
Anissa,
I just wanted to appologize for last night. You are right to be upset at me for feeling discouraged. I want you to know I don't feel that often. I am really encouraged by the positive changes you have done for our marriage these last several days. You spent several wonderful dates with me that I loved. YOu spent the nights with me and made me so happy. You moved back in with me and I appreciate that more than word can describe. I do know you want our marriage to work, and so do I. We can do this together and have a wonderful, happy, loving NEW marriage together.
Love, Reuben
I just had to write it to let her now that I am not discouraged. I can't let her come down to where I am when I feel down. I have to stop looking for reassurances.
Goals:
1). DO NOT ASK OR EVEN INSINUATE WANTING INTIMACY!
2). DO NOT LET HER KNOW WHEN YOU ARE DISCOURAGED!
3). NO R TALKS UNLESS ANISSA BRINGS IT UP!
4). DO NOT ASK FOR STATUS CHECK, LOOK FOR POSITIVE BABY STEPS AND AFFIRM THEM WITH HER.
Last edited by cruiserrg; 02/03/0403:13 AM.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
I was totally not expecting it. We talked a bit and I asked how her night was. She said just ok kinda boring. She went out to 2 bars and saw a few friends. One in particular an old married man she knows. She said she talked with him about the sitch and she told me he said he was glad she was trying to work on the M. 
