Still at Square One!!!

[TryingToDo180]

Hi DFE, I also wondered where your thread went to. I'm glad I've found you again I've just read through your posts and realise that your H and my H are twins! I think me and you are twins as well, you're doing all the things at the moment that I'm doing (apart from getting a separation!). It's spooky! Have a look at my 180 thread and you'll see what I mean
I've also started reading love languages and guess what? My H is "words of affirmation" as well! It was the same score as physical touch but I can't do that any time soon. I've also been trying to speak his love language and he likes it as well.
Your H sounded as if he was very depressed and left you because he thought you were the cause of his depression. Am I right? This is what my H told me, but guess what? He's still depressed! Does your H get emotional one minute and snappy the next? Do you sometimes feel like treading on egg shells when he's around? If you read my sitch then you'll see that he's been snappy to my son.
My H was on anti depressants and also came off them. He felt that they weren't right for him and he wants to work through his depression without any aids. I do think that if you've got clinical depression then you do need tablets as it's a chemical imbalance of the brain. My H came off them when he decided he didn't need them anymore as he was ok. That is the worst time to come off them as it's the tablets that are making you ok.
I'm also not in a hurry for H to move back in. I also want to date him and take things slowly, but I do want him back for the sake of the family.
My H has also said that this is it this time and he's not coming back. He's being friends for the sake of my son, which is confusing because you don't know if the positive signs are just him being friends or whether he's warming back to me.
I was unsure that 5 love languages was a book for me at first, but as I've been reading it, it's been an eye opener for me and gives me lots to go on! I also like the bit in the book where it says to complement him to friends and in front of friends. This is great as we have a few mutual friends who want to be friends with us both and are very neutral. They don't take sides and I wouldn't want them to.
I don't want to say much more as it's all in my thread. I'm sure like me when you read it you'll think WOW! Our sitches are so alike! I'm really glad I've found you again as we can motivate each other and work along the same lines and 180s.

[chasingpavements]

Hi DFE, Yep I'm still around My thread is now moved to the MLC section. I am doing fine, still in that limbo, and my H is still at home. I still feel so frustrated by everything going on :S

Maybe you can find a way to test how your H is feeling. Hopefully your mom can give you an idea after they visit. It must be hard. I hope you get some answers soon about everything. For me it is hard not knowing. I would also like to know either way with my H whether we are working on things or separating.

[AnotherNeedsHelp]

Hi DFE,

Sorry to hear about your sitch. I'm certainly no expert but it seems to me your H is confused and scared about what he wants. You both have seemingly put a lot of time and effort, both into your marriage and your business. Maybe he's worried that he'll be left with nothing.

Like all things, all you have is time. You should have one long, frank talk before signing the separation agreement but even if you do, that's not necessarily the end of things, merely the next step.

[DFE]

I'm a FOOL!!! I feel so stupid. H and I have been getting along really well. We spend time together with the kids and he initiates almost all of the outings. I thought we were making progress. I have been nothing but nice. I continue to work with him at our business and am nice and complimentary. I read the 5 love languages and his is words of affirmation. I have been using them because I realize I never gave him the credit he deserved. Neither did his parents so that's a big issue with him.

He calls yesterday to go to the pool with the kids. I said ok. Some friends met us and my friend brought up our annual group vacation. H started getting uncomfortable and told me I need to tell her what's going on with us. He then got upset because we all went to dinner and he wanted to go home. He said this is why everyone thinks I am a jerk because you put me in uncomfortable situations where I have to say no.

It's funny I can't understand how this is different from the vacation he was planning for us when we first separated. Or that he says he still wants us to go to Disney with the kids as a family. Yesterday was an eye opener for me. I really thought we were making progress. I thought we could go on vacation together and that it may even help our relationship. I feel like such a fool.

The anxiety is BACK!!!

[TryingToDo180]

Hi DFE, first of all you are not a fool and you are not a jerk! This happens with my H all the time. Whenever I think we're making progress, he says something that affirms the fact that we're still separated.
My H never wants to come on family trips with us, so for your H to want to do that is confusing for you. I've always invited H along to our family trips, but I'm not going to anymore. I'll wait until he invites me along which may be a long time waiting.
I can never understand these WAS. I've read a lot of sitches and some actually still hug and kiss when they say goodbye. They act as if everything is fine and rosy but they go back to their place at the end of the day.
Me and H did spend an afternoon together whilst my son was at a friend's house. He wanted to come with me to the advice centre but I said to him I don't think that's a good idea as I'm talking about my finances as a single person. He always spends a good half hour on the phone everytime he rings, but actually now I think he's timing it, lol. When he comes round here for a coffee, he'll stay half an hour for a chat as well.
Time to start being really busy without him DFE Don't go on any more family outings for a while or go on 2 out of 5 like in Sandi's rules. Take nothing for granted anymore. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you I hope the days that follow will get better

[DFE]

Thanks TTD180

I'm starting to think I need to go dark but don't know how with the kids and work. I have a DB coaching session tomorrow. He acts like we are best friends. Texts me throughout the day calls me daily. I'm tired of this cake eating. It's confusing and an emotional roller coaster.

I still can't believe we are separated. I'm in denial and the more we hang out as a family the harder it is to let go.

[TryingToDo180]

I know what you mean!! Hope the DB coaching goes well for you, you must let me know what he/she says as our sitches are very alike. When my H first left me about 12 years ago, he started ringing me up daily. He still was with the OW and I didn't think anything of it as we didn't talk about anything in particular. After about a week or so of calling me, he admitted that he wanted to get back together. At first I didn't want to as I'd moved on with my life, but then I knew it was right to do for the sake of our family.
By your H ringing or texting daily, you are bound to feel like he wants something more. If it carries on, just act "as if". Don't tell him more than he needs to know, if he asks what you've been up to then just say not a lot.
It is very confusing I know. My H will spend time with us, then back off. I'm now going through no contact with him at all. I used to find an excuse to ring or text him but I don't anymore. In fact it annoys me when I've got to ring him, lol.
Will you go over to my thread and have a look at my sitch please. I've got labug on my thread at the moment telling me to let go and GAL. I thought I was GALing, I can't do anymore. I'm happy the way I am, I don't need to be hit by 2x4s every time I go online! I don't expect you to read right from the start, just the last few posts that I've made. You will also see how similar our sitches are Thanks

[DFE]

Had my DB coaching session yesterday. My coach said she doesn't think this man is done with me. She said this is typical WAW behavior not typical WAH behavior. Normally a WAH doesn't keep coming back to hang out if they are done. She said although my H says he is done I need to listen to his actions more than his words. I always walk away from a coaching session feeling so good and like I can tackle it all. False hope???

He invited me to dinner with him and the kids tonight. We had a nice dinner and then he came over to put the kids to bed. Then he stayed. He asked if it would be ok if he hung out until he went to our neighbors house. He is there now and said he was coming back to spend the night. I'm so confused. I would think if he wants a divorce it means he wants to be away from me not spending time with me. Confused!!!!

I am feeling like a doormat. He hangs out with us whenever he feels like it. We are friendly and even starting to be a little playful. My coach says we have entered phase 2 which is the friendship phase and to keep building on it. I feel used and feel like he is being friends with me to make this easier on himself and to ease his guilt. I will help him with this transition and make it easier on him and end up feeling used at the end.

TTD180 I will look at your sitch as soon as possible.

[MileHigh]

That's interesting about the Phase 2 thing. Same thing happening with me and W, starting just late last week. In my case, My W really seems to be lonely and not finding life on her own as she hoped it would be. Aside from our troubles in our M, we really are two peas in a pod, and we've been each other's best friends for years.

[TryingToDo180]

Same here, my H wants to be my best friend as well. If it wasn't for this new BF that H has just got, I would say he's gone into phase 2. I would continue to be nice to him, but as for making him meals, no more! I'm not being used either!! I think it's a thin line between feeling used and them actually wanting to be there. You're dead right when you say it's confusing!